• TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
    Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
    Join free Log in
    Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.

Not music related jokes?

#42
What's black, white, red, and can't turn around in narrow corridors?










A nun with a spear through her head.

And going back to the German jokes,
jens-lehmann.jpg
 
#47
bassybill said:
JOKES FROM GERMANY

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Click to expand...

It helps to imagine them spoken by Werner Herzog
 
#48
Here's a good whiteboard joke some of you may have seen before. Great to kick of a meeting or presentation depending on the audience ...

The red line is what's to draw at this step when you tell the story.

A kindergarten teacher tells the kids : Okay, now we'll play a drawing game. Each of you will add a little thing to a big drawing we will do together. Who wants to start ?

Little Ben gets up and takes the pen and says : "This is a field"

1.jpg




Great, who wants to continue ? Jenny comes to the board : "This is a house"



2.jpg




Another kid wants to do his part and says : "This is the door of the house"



3.jpg




Nice, says the teacher, this is coming along. Who's next ? A little girl comes up adds a sun to the drawing.



4.jpg




Then another tot gets up, takes the pen and says : "It's spring and there is snow melting on the roof"



5.jpg






At this point little Billy raises his arm frantically " OH OH ME ME, I KNOW WHAT THIS IS !!!" The teacher, quite puzzled by this sudden enthusiasm, still hands him the pen.And little Billy says (while you draw the last line) : "I KNOW WHAT THIS IS, IT'S MY FATHER IN THE SHOWER !"




6.jpg
 
#52
Here's a particularly painful one:

There were two scientists, one from Russia and one from the Czech Republic, who were interested in studying bears in their natural environments. They had been camped out in the woods for a few days doing their research, but one night they mysteriously disappeared. When the rangers went to investigate, they discovered two well-fed bears, one female and one male, near the scientists' campsite. The rangers decided that they needed to kill the bears and see what was inside their stomachs. So they killed the female bear, and sure enough, the remains of the Russian scientist were inside her stomach. One ranger turns to the other and says, "you realize what this means, right?"

"Yes..." the other ranger says. "It means the Czech is in the male."
 
#53
A farmer and his wife are checking out the bulls before an auction.
The first bull, they are told, performs his "services" at least twice a day.
The wife looks at her husband and says, "you hear that Henry? The bull performs twice a day", and gives him a rather pointed look.
The second bull performs his "services" three times a day.
The wife looks at her husband and says, "you hear that Henry? This bull performs three times a day", and again gives him a rather pointed look.
The third bull performs his "services" four times a day.
The wife looks at her husband and says, "you hear that Henry? This bull performs four times a day", and again gives him a rather pointed look.
The farmer looks at the man who has been showing them the bulls and says, "tell me something. Is it the same cow every time?"
 
  • Like
Reactions: FilterFunk, Atshen and ImNotJoel
#55
bassman1987 said:
Here's a particularly painful one:

There were two scientists, one from Russia and one from the Czech Republic, who were interested in studying bears in their natural environments. They had been camped out in the woods for a few days doing their research, but one night they mysteriously disappeared. When the rangers went to investigate, they discovered two well-fed bears, one female and one male, near the scientists' campsite. The rangers decided that they needed to kill the bears and see what was inside their stomachs. So they killed the female bear, and sure enough, the remains of the Russian scientist were inside her stomach. One ranger turns to the other and says, "you realize what this means, right?"

"Yes..." the other ranger says. "It means the Czech is in the male."
Click to expand...

I just imagine Leslie Nielsen in "Airplane" saying this :p
 
#56
brickerenator said:
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Click to expand...

I sent this to my wife but she hasn't responded :hmm:

Maybe I should email her back and ask what's for dinner :hyper:
 
  • Like
Reactions: Atshen
#59
EricF said:
Let us know how that works out for you. By the way, I hope your couch is comfortable for sleeping.
Click to expand...

Of course it is. I'm no fool :D

Fortunately she has a good sense of humor :) Unfortunately, what's for dinner is whatever I'm cooking :(

Strat-Mangler said:
Never thought any joke that asks a question is funny.

That means the following forms ;

- Did you hear the one about...
- What is, as in "What is brown and sticky?"
- Knock-knock, who's there?

I'll always wonder why people think that stuff is funny.
Click to expand...

I wonder why you keep posting here.
 

Latest posts

Top Bottom
Back