Oh man, what have I done?

[HardNHeavy]

saying no and bowing out doesn't make you the bad guy...

 

[TheReceder]

Close doors lightly... slamming them brings too much negative attention.

 

[dbsfgyd1]

A couple of days ago, I got a message from an online acquaintance of mine, a guitar player who lives about 10 minutes from me. Over the past few years, we've talked on the phone and exchanged emails, but we've never actually met in person or jammed. The last time we spoke, before 2020, he was asking if I could sub for NYE gig, but I was going to be out of town. We left it at "maybe some other time."

Fast forward to a couple of days ago, and he sends me a message asking if I was interested in jamming. I had no reason to say no, so I went over that evening with no idea of what I was getting myself into. It sounded like they had band practice scheduled and the regular bass player had to cancel last minute. Long story short, it was shambolic. The lead guitarist seemed adequate, but the drummer was a no-show (i don't think they expected him in the first place). My acquaintance was, how shall we say, rough around the edges. He also was the primary vocalist. Maybe he could actually carry a tune years ago before his 2-packs-of-Marlboros-a-day-habit obliterated his voice. It was bad. Like an angry duck fighting with an ornery goat kind of bad. Like, "how did I get myself into this" kind of bad.

After about 30 minutes, I was seriously thinking of sending my wife a text message and having her call me back with a "family emergency." Mercifully, the power went out a few minutes later due to storms in the area. I packed up quickly and headed out. I said "nice to meet you...hope things work out with your regular bass player." I also mentioned my schedule is pretty packed this fall, which it is, with other band/family/work obligations.

The next day, my phone and email started blowing up. Basically, this guy thinks I'm his new bass player. He wants to start booking gigs immediately. I can tell by the way he's talking that I'm the bass player he's been searching for, and now he's ready to hit the stage. Yeaaah, umm, no. I mean, I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty mediocre, but this band is hopeless. Now I feel bad because I need to call the guy and weasel out of a commitment I never even made in the first place. I've been to plenty of auditions (and vice versa) where I've called afterward and said "thanks, but I'm not feeling it...best of luck." But this guy seems like a bit of a friend since we've had a good repoire for a few years. Why do I feel so dirty about this?

‘I’m not so sure I’d feel bad in telling him you just don’t have the time (you really don’t do you?) to commit to his project. There is no arguing the point, a ration person will understand, and certainly no reason to feel guilty.

 

[Killing Floor]

Just tell them you went to jam, not audition. Be honest and be cool. No bridge to burn here.

 

[Killing Floor]

And if being nice fails you can say “only reason I can was to fire the drummer and they didn’t even show up!”

 

[Tony In Philly]

Oh well, if they're as bad as you described them, they probably won't have any gigs and nothing much will come of it.

 

[foolforthecity]

I landed myself in a couple uncomfortable situations like that until I learned the phrase:

“I don’t jam”

Repeated as a broken record with a smile, but without apology or excuse. Never offer an excuse, a manipulator will always come back at you with a solution to your excuse.

I once agreed to jam with a dude that called himself “rock and roll Bob”. Bob was in his 50s. Turns out he was living in his mom’s basement. He had to remove a ceiling tile to put the head in his Marshall stack. He played a pointy, very pointy, Jackson. He would play only hammer-ons and dive bombs. On 11. When Bob’s mom asked for him to turn it down, I witnessed a man in his 50s tell his 80 year old mom to **** off.

“I don’t jam”

I showed up to jam with Guillermo at his apartment. He opened the door dressed like a matador. He led me into a room with a mirrored wall. He had every effect pedal ever made wired together. He then proceeded to turn them all on and strum, I’m guessing, flamenco style, but it was hard to tell through the complete effects mess. He sang in an operatic style while checking himself out in the mirror.

Both stories are somewhat entertaining in hindsight, but I felt so bad for Bob’s mom. Not funny. Both those dudes called for weeks trying to set up another jam.

“I don’t jam”

I landed myself in a couple uncomfortable situations like that until I learned the phrase:

“I don’t jam”

Repeated as a broken record with a smile, but without apology or excuse. Never offer an excuse, a manipulator will always come back at you with a solution to your excuse.

I once agreed to jam with a dude that called himself “rock and roll Bob”. Bob was in his 50s. Turns out he was living in his mom’s basement. He had to remove a ceiling tile to put the head in his Marshall stack. He played a pointy, very pointy, Jackson. He would play only hammer-ons and dive bombs. On 11. When Bob’s mom asked for him to turn it down, I witnessed a man in his 50s tell his 80 year old mom to **** off.

“I don’t jam”

I showed up to jam with Guillermo at his apartment. He opened the door dressed like a matador. He led me into a room with a mirrored wall. He had every effect pedal ever made wired together. He then proceeded to turn them all on and strum, I’m guessing, flamenco style, but it was hard to tell through the complete effects mess. He sang in an operatic style while checking himself out in the mirror.

Both stories are somewhat entertaining in hindsight, but I felt so bad for Bob’s mom. Not funny. Both those dudes called for weeks trying to set up another jam.

“I don’t jam”

”checking himself out in the mirror” LOL, there spewed my morning coffee

 

[Exploiter8]

I DO jam!

My friend and I started in music together in the 70's and played out in the 80's. He continued with several bands over the years and made many acquaintances. Every once in awhile I'm invited to jam with him and former bandmates... Always FUN! I have no need or want to play out anymore and my friend knows why (Anxiety issues). There were a couple of occasions where his friends wanted me to play Bass for them. My friend would just say that I'm not interested in playing out anymore. They would then berate me for being a basement Bassist with no ambition, as if I wasted their time jamming with them. I'm an okay player. Good timing, nothing fancy, nice equipment. A jam is a jam, not an audition.

Fortunately only my friend has my cell/text info but he has had to deal with their negativity. He still invites me to jams. We've known each other since the 60's when his family moved next door to mine. I wouldn't be playing at all if not for him. I'm lucky to have him in my corner.

 

[jdh3000]

A couple of days ago, I got a message from an online acquaintance of mine, a guitar player who lives about 10 minutes from me. Over the past few years, we've talked on the phone and exchanged emails, but we've never actually met in person or jammed. The last time we spoke, before 2020, he was asking if I could sub for NYE gig, but I was going to be out of town. We left it at "maybe some other time."

Fast forward to a couple of days ago, and he sends me a message asking if I was interested in jamming. I had no reason to say no, so I went over that evening with no idea of what I was getting myself into. It sounded like they had band practice scheduled and the regular bass player had to cancel last minute. Long story short, it was shambolic. The lead guitarist seemed adequate, but the drummer was a no-show (i don't think they expected him in the first place). My acquaintance was, how shall we say, rough around the edges. He also was the primary vocalist. Maybe he could actually carry a tune years ago before his 2-packs-of-Marlboros-a-day-habit obliterated his voice. It was bad. Like an angry duck fighting with an ornery goat kind of bad. Like, "how did I get myself into this" kind of bad.

After about 30 minutes, I was seriously thinking of sending my wife a text message and having her call me back with a "family emergency." Mercifully, the power went out a few minutes later due to storms in the area. I packed up quickly and headed out. I said "nice to meet you...hope things work out with your regular bass player." I also mentioned my schedule is pretty packed this fall, which it is, with other band/family/work obligations.

The next day, my phone and email started blowing up. Basically, this guy thinks I'm his new bass player. He wants to start booking gigs immediately. I can tell by the way he's talking that I'm the bass player he's been searching for, and now he's ready to hit the stage. Yeaaah, umm, no. I mean, I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty mediocre, but this band is hopeless. Now I feel bad because I need to call the guy and weasel out of a commitment I never even made in the first place. I've been to plenty of auditions (and vice versa) where I've called afterward and said "thanks, but I'm not feeling it...best of luck." But this guy seems like a bit of a friend since we've had a good repoire for a few years. Why do I feel so dirty about this?

Doesn't sound like you made any commitment to play, you told them you had stuff lined up and left the rehersal in a manner that would convey "not interested".

Just tell him your sorry if there was any misunderstanding, but you're not the one they are looking for.

 

[Yellow Bang66]

A couple of days ago, I got a message from an online acquaintance of mine, a guitar player who lives about 10 minutes from me. Over the past few years, we've talked on the phone and exchanged emails, but we've never actually met in person or jammed. The last time we spoke, before 2020, he was asking if I could sub for NYE gig, but I was going to be out of town. We left it at "maybe some other time."

Fast forward to a couple of days ago, and he sends me a message asking if I was interested in jamming. I had no reason to say no, so I went over that evening with no idea of what I was getting myself into. It sounded like they had band practice scheduled and the regular bass player had to cancel last minute. Long story short, it was shambolic. The lead guitarist seemed adequate, but the drummer was a no-show (i don't think they expected him in the first place). My acquaintance was, how shall we say, rough around the edges. He also was the primary vocalist. Maybe he could actually carry a tune years ago before his 2-packs-of-Marlboros-a-day-habit obliterated his voice. It was bad. Like an angry duck fighting with an ornery goat kind of bad. Like, "how did I get myself into this" kind of bad.

After about 30 minutes, I was seriously thinking of sending my wife a text message and having her call me back with a "family emergency." Mercifully, the power went out a few minutes later due to storms in the area. I packed up quickly and headed out. I said "nice to meet you...hope things work out with your regular bass player." I also mentioned my schedule is pretty packed this fall, which it is, with other band/family/work obligations.

The next day, my phone and email started blowing up. Basically, this guy thinks I'm his new bass player. He wants to start booking gigs immediately. I can tell by the way he's talking that I'm the bass player he's been searching for, and now he's ready to hit the stage. Yeaaah, umm, no. I mean, I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty mediocre, but this band is hopeless. Now I feel bad because I need to call the guy and weasel out of a commitment I never even made in the first place. I've been to plenty of auditions (and vice versa) where I've called afterward and said "thanks, but I'm not feeling it...best of luck." But this guy seems like a bit of a friend since we've had a good repoire for a few years. Why do I feel so dirty about this?

Go out wiyhout a mask & get Covid! JK

 

[BigJohnAZ]

I don't know why you feel dirty, you were upfront with them from the beginning. I can see if you kinda /sorta intimated you would think about it, but you didn't. Your friend is banking on your dirty feeling and suck you in. Remind him you were only there for one jam and you have other commitments. Your friend will get over it. If he doesn't, that's on him.

 

[MustangWally]

I got into something like this years ago. An acquaintance had built some furniture for me and we were having a beer in his apartment over his workshop to celebrate completion of and payment for the job when I spotted a rather nice black Les Paul on a stand. Turned out that he did a sort of 'Shadows' (Hank Marvin) thing pretty well and I casually mentioned that I used to play bass. Thought nothing more of it until the local paint shop guy pulled me aside when I was buying some house paint and asked me to join him and the Shadows guy and a drummer to form a band. Small town, everyone knows everyone else I guess. I had just moved there so I didn't know anyone very well.

So I went along with the suggestion and we agreed to jam in the Shadows guy's workshop. We met on a Saturday and the 'drummer' showed up too, nice guy and all keen. He set up his kit and then made noises like a man falling down a flight of stairs with his drums. Then the guy from the paint shop (who was going to the the rhythm player) started to play and he had pretty much zero rhythm too, which at least made him a fair match for the drummer. Not looking good, so I counted off a 12 bar in A and it was a total mess. Eventually I had just the Shadows guy and me start off and then I would signal the other 2 to come in one at a time. We did fine with just the two of us, but as soon as either one of the others came in it all fell apart - no rhythm, no dynamics nothing but a flat and rather erratic beat. Gotta have rhythm, right?

I know a mess when I hear one and this was it. I did the line from the Blues Brothers: "Gentlemen, I'm leaving!" and packed up and left. IME if there is zero rhythm it is not going to magically appear. Ever. I heard later that those 3 guys kept recruiting other players and they spent something like 3 years and never got off the ground.

My $0.02 worth: try once and decide right there and then if you want to keep going. Don't keep hoping it will get better, because it probably will not.

 

[selowitch]

“It’s not a good fit.”
“I’m afraid I’m not interested in joining your band.”
“Sorry, I don’t see this working for me.”
“I won’t be available to rehearse with you.”
“I wish you good luck with this project.”
“Thanks for your interest but this simply isn’t for me.”
etc.

 

[kesslari]

I have a medical condition.
I become nauseous around poorly played music...

 

[RichardW]

If you don't say NO now, it will only get harder and harder to do so. I'd just tell him "hey, sorry if there was any misunderstanding, but I'm overcommitted and can't take this on. Best of luck."

 

[Jefenator]

Ugh - I share your pain. Some of the biggest pests have that way of seeming chill when you first meet them.
Similar experiences have made me guarded with people I don't know well.

 

[JRA]

"so the agoraphobe spends a fortune on desensitizing therapies and on the day of his break-through, grand departure from his home-as-sanctuary/prison = fearlessly, without hesitation, he proudly steps past the curb in front of his house and gets hit by a bus!" mark twain johnson

you are 'the bus', OP....and happens!

that said:
"i'm sorry to crap on your plans --- i can't stay committed to my own agenda (the 'bus route') and attend to your goals at the same time...it would make too much work for me! i have to take a hard pass. but i'm thankful for the apparent positive regard. good luck!"

glad it's you and not me, OP! good luck!

 

[ToneMonkey]

"I'm choosing to pursue other projects at this time. Regards." always works for me.

I'll share my latest favorite quote. This comes from Sarah Knight, who wrote the book "The Life Changing Magic Of Not Giving A F**K"

If you aren't doing you, you're screwing you.

 

[DJ Bebop]

A couple of days ago, I got a message from an online acquaintance of mine, a guitar player who lives about 10 minutes from me. Over the past few years, we've talked on the phone and exchanged emails, but we've never actually met in person or jammed. The last time we spoke, before 2020, he was asking if I could sub for NYE gig, but I was going to be out of town. We left it at "maybe some other time."

Fast forward to a couple of days ago, and he sends me a message asking if I was interested in jamming. I had no reason to say no, so I went over that evening with no idea of what I was getting myself into. It sounded like they had band practice scheduled and the regular bass player had to cancel last minute. Long story short, it was shambolic. The lead guitarist seemed adequate, but the drummer was a no-show (i don't think they expected him in the first place). My acquaintance was, how shall we say, rough around the edges. He also was the primary vocalist. Maybe he could actually carry a tune years ago before his 2-packs-of-Marlboros-a-day-habit obliterated his voice. It was bad. Like an angry duck fighting with an ornery goat kind of bad. Like, "how did I get myself into this" kind of bad.

After about 30 minutes, I was seriously thinking of sending my wife a text message and having her call me back with a "family emergency." Mercifully, the power went out a few minutes later due to storms in the area. I packed up quickly and headed out. I said "nice to meet you...hope things work out with your regular bass player." I also mentioned my schedule is pretty packed this fall, which it is, with other band/family/work obligations.

The next day, my phone and email started blowing up. Basically, this guy thinks I'm his new bass player. He wants to start booking gigs immediately. I can tell by the way he's talking that I'm the bass player he's been searching for, and now he's ready to hit the stage. Yeaaah, umm, no. I mean, I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty mediocre, but this band is hopeless. Now I feel bad because I need to call the guy and weasel out of a commitment I never even made in the first place. I've been to plenty of auditions (and vice versa) where I've called afterward and said "thanks, but I'm not feeling it...best of luck." But this guy seems like a bit of a friend since we've had a good repoire for a few years. Why do I feel so dirty about this?

You're my new bass player and...

 

[Texaspandj]

It sucks when you Care.