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Parted with startup Last Night

Jan 14, 2016
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Sacramento, CA
Just before Christmas, a guitarist I used to play with reached out to me to start a new project. He's a bit of a "personality" and can quickly derail other people's projects because he always knows how to do it better. I was hoping that if it was his project, he'd be easier to deal with. He's a very tasteful guitarist, competent voice. He means well, but seems to lack some social skills and can be very hard to work with.

He brought a drummer in from his previous project and I invited a lead singer. We all got together for the first time to see if we fit and there was some solid potential. The drummer was pretty good, but had some tempo drift issues. But most of the sessions was trying to find songs that we had all spent time on.

Pulling together playlists was torture. LG never "heard" me say I really don't care and I'll speak up if something offends me when it came to suggesting songs (I'm not singing them and LS should be doing most of the suggesting, IMO). While I protect my contact information before first meet, after we met and we all exchanged information, it was up to LG to work with LS to develop the list. But LG kept asking me what was going on with LS's list ideas.

So we got this 50+ list compiled but then there was no direction on what to focus on as we were getting to know each other, so the one rehearsal we had after designating the candidates was pretty lame. I think we muddled through about 10 songs because that's about all of the common prepared ground we had.

At that point, I said lets ID 15 songs that we all focus on for next week. We put that on LS, the next day he sent an Email with the 15 songs to focus on. This confused LG. I almost quit right then, but we were rehearsing at my house and LG and drummer left things at my house, so I figured I'd give the focused rehearsal a shot to work before my final decision.

I'm working with LS in another project and we talked at our gig on Friday about this project. I told him that if this rehearsal didn't go great, that I was pulling out. He agreed and I expected him to give it a go last night, but LS texted us earlier in the day saying he was bailing out, so I told the other guys to come and get their stuff. When they came over, I told them that I was basing my decision to stay on this rehearsal going really well, so "thanks for the opportunity, but I'm not feeling this". They were cool about it and we chatted for a bit before they took their stuff and went home.

I'm not one to walk away so easily, but this project was already pushing a lot of my buttons and we were only a few weeks in. It would just get worse. I just really don't have time to be in a disorganized project - I need a "give me a playlist and tell me when to have it ready" situation.

So I imagined that I read a post here from a bassist in this situation. I would have told that person to find a new project, so I simply actually followed my own advice rather than try to force this beast into submission like I usually do. It felt pretty good to have this project removed from my life.

Being in 2 other projects with another on the horizon made this a very easy call - I just hope I would have done the same if I wasn't so otherwise committed.
 
Sounds like walking away is the right call.
I'm a bit confused as to what had the LG confused when the LS sent out a list of 15 songs, as apparently agreed.
Did he expect to have more say in the choice, or what?
Exactly. I guess LS made the mistake of keeping the master playlist that we had all agreed worth pursuing attached to the Email.

LG just seems to have a very bad memory issue when It comes to these kinds of conversations. He kept giving me differing directions on what to play in some songs, and I had to constantly tell him that I had little to offer in terms of song titles. Twice in one conversation.
 
Yup great call, life is way too short for that kind of headache. It sounds like you live in an area where there are plenty of opportunities. I feel sorry for the people in smaller communities who are in projects like the one you bailed on.
 
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At that point, I said lets ID 15 songs that we all focus on for next week. We put that on LS, the next day he sent an Email with the 15 songs to focus on. This confused LG.

Does this guy have some kind of cognitive problems? As I understand the above sentence, the group asked the singer to come up with a list of 15 songs, the next day he comes up with a list of 15 songs, and "the band leader gets confused"??? Huh?

Yep, time to walk away from that dumpster fire.
 
I think you made the right call.

I never understood people that continued to waste time on a project because they had already wasted so much time on it. You can't do ANYTHING about all the time you've already wasted, but you can decide to not waste any more time.

It seems to me that any band, no matter how dysfunctional, is an opportunity to grow. You've only wasted your time if you don't take advantage of that opportunity.
 
It seems to me that any band, no matter how dysfunctional, is an opportunity to grow. You've only wasted your time if you don't take advantage of that opportunity.
In a different personal situation, you are right: something could have come out of this group. But I've done more than my share of "growing" to date. I'm busy with 2 other projects (and another posibilty looming) so I just don't have the time or the patience to babysit what should have been an easy project. I've worked with the LG before and I accepted his offer to get involved with a bit of trepidation. His reputation before this was as a bit of a malcontent - he always "knew" what other people's bands were doing wrong. I really hoped since it was his project, he'd just take control. He really didn't and he just made it hard for us to help him. It was a pretty easy walk.
 
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It seems to me that any band, no matter how dysfunctional, is an opportunity to grow. You've only wasted your time if you don't take advantage of that opportunity.
I couldn't disagree more. IMHO you're better off looking for a reasonable situation and taking that time to practice and up your game. When you play with people better than you, you grow. When you play with people worse than you, they can drag you down. I left dysfunctional situations behind many, many years ago. I'm not your teacher, I'm not your mother, I'm not your father, I'm not your confidant; I play in a band with you. I'll pull my weight, you pull yours.
 
It seems to me that any band, no matter how dysfunctional, is an opportunity to grow. You've only wasted your time if you don't take advantage of that opportunity.
This really, really depends on how much experience you already have and what the new situation is. It is a total waste of time if you are the most advanced player in the group and they're only holding you back. Not every situation is a "growth opportunity."
 
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This really, really depends on how much experience you already have and what the new situation is. It is a total waste of time if you are the most advanced player in the group and they're only holding you back. Not every situation is a "growth opportunity."
Yep, and that's why in previous situations I paid my dues, tolerated poor admin, and tried to absorb the ins and outs of "being in a band".

The worse thing with this situation. Musically, there was room for a little personal growth (new musical territory if nothing else) with these guys. But I'm at a point now where I'm comfortable enough with my status to not worry strictly about growth. I'm just not going to tolerate poor administrative practices from a guy who will NEED to be in control, but not know how.
 
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Yep, and that's why in previous situations I paid my dues, tolerated poor admin, and tried to absorb the ins and outs of "being in a band".

The worse thing with this situation. Musically, there was room for a little personal growth (new musical territory if nothing else) with these guys. But I'm at a point now where I'm comfortable enough with my status to not worry strictly about growth. I'm just not going to tolerate poor administrative practices from a guy who will NEED to be in control, but not know how.
I think most of us learn these kinds of lessons the hard way. There's a sort of trope that says we should always "tough it out" in any situation, which really just means "toss out all your common sense and allow yourself to be walked all over" or "put up with a bunch of unproductive horse-hockey for as long as it takes you to become suicidal" and I think we should really respect ourselves more than that.

If a situation truly has potential, the fibers of your entire being will not be screaming "get out!" You will be engaged and happy. If you are not engaged and happy, find out what it is that's causing you stress, decide if it's worth the compromise, and if it is, make peace with accepting it. If it isn't, walk. Life is way too short to put up with misery that you can eliminate from your life.

I've been in so many band situations over the past five years, and I have never been happier because I have always done the "assess and move on" thing to get to a place where I'm pretty contented with the players I work with and the music I'm playing. So much better than putting up with garbage situations year after year!
 
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LG just seems to have a very bad memory issue when It comes to these kinds of conversations. He kept giving me differing directions on what to play in some songs, and I had to constantly tell him that I had little to offer in terms of song titles. Twice in one conversation.
When in a "business" situation, like a band, I do all my communicating in writing by email or text so that no one can say that don't remember what was "said." If they don't have the ability or inclination to do that, I move on.
 
It seems to me that any band, no matter how dysfunctional, is an opportunity to grow. You've only wasted your time if you don't take advantage of that opportunity.

Just to clarify, I'm not advocating for staying forever in a bad situation, but just to learn what you can and grow, either musically or personally while you look for a new, better opportunity.
 
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+1

Like some stupid talk show I saw and this woman kept sending money to some scammer in South Africa who she thought she was engaged to even after the host proved the guy was a fake. Basically, if she stopped sending money then she would have to admit she was scammed out of tens of thousands of dollars.
It's baffling, you would think they'd cut their losses and move on. It's the old "It's easier to fool people than to convince them they've been fooled."

Dr. Phil sometimes has people on his show who have been scammed. I sometimes wonder if scammers watch the show and if they laugh at the victims.
 
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