Puns a Plenty

[Richland123]

Puns a Plenty

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

 

[Vince Klortho]

From http://failblog.cheezburger.com/ :

 

[Keano]

 

[slobake]

Sammy the fish got a call from a telemarketer. The caller said "Is Salmon? We'd are offering a free fish dinner" So Sammy decided to talk to her just for the halibut.

 

[slobake]

I asked a shoe salesman how to become part of the Pepsi generation. He said "Oh, that's easy just follow the liter.'

 

[tastybasslines]

Sammy the fish got a call from a telemarketer. The caller said "Is Salmon? We'd are offering a free fish dinner" So Sammy decided to talk to her just for the halibut.

Sammy the fish got a call from a telemarketer. The caller said "Is Salmon? We'd are offering a free fish dinner" So Sammy decided to talk to her just for the halibut. But Sammy knew she was a shrimp in the business, "Hade?" he asked to her. It was a whale of a task but she was octo it.

 

[slobake]

My wife wanted to know why I spend so much time on the computer. I told her "I'm on talkbass." She said "What are you Mr. Limpet? Get in here and stop talking to strange fish."

 

[tastybasslines]

My wife wanted to know why I spend so much time on the computher. I told her "I'm on talkbass." She said "What are you Mr. Limpet? Get in here and stop talking to strange fish."

This is funny, because I can tell you how many times people ask me if I am a fisherman. "your name indicates you are a lover of tasty bass". And the "lines" is for fishing lines. FACEPALM

 

[Mark Reccord]

Very punny. You all should be punished.






And put in a punitentiary.

 

[slobake]

I told my wife I was going to a jam session. She handed me a mason jar and said "Good bring me back some kumquat marmalade fatso."

 

[slobake]

I told my wife I wanted to learn how to improvise. She said, "That's good, because my mother just ran over your Precision with her moving van."

 

[slobake]

I told my wife I wanted to learn how to improvise. She said, "Good here's the bill from Nordstrom."

 

[Third Basser]

-we could make a suicide pact, but I wouldn't be caught dead with you.

-electric knives are for weenies

 

[mellowinman]

I told my wife I wanted to learn how to improvise. She said, "I'm leaving you for a musician."

 

[wraub]

I told my wife I wanted to learn to improvise.
She said, "Just fake it."



Makes me wonder what else she's "improvising"...

 

[Feral Feline]

I just saw a Rastafarian reggae band, they were dread full. I thought one of them must've smoked too much ganja and fallen asleep, she looked dread to the world. Turned out I was wrong about the ganja, the gal was just an herbivore. I smiled at her, but she didn't sensimilla. Finally she was about to speak to me, but I said she shouldn't toke so much and should lessen instead. She bowled me out, said she wanted to leaf her group. I told her to stop grassing about it and spliff. She jumped on my bandwagon and started rolling with me, weed been Rock Steady for a while. I got the one-drop from her though, and our relationship went up in smoke. It was a Two Hour Commitment, but I didn't want it to end and roached out to her, she said she'd see me inhale first.


^^ that ^^ was reggae tough exorcise. It didn't turn ouch the way I doped, but for all my other punnellinguistics one in ten did. Made me sound like a rope-a-dope, but I'm a frayed knot.

Well, I drink it's time to play some music... Whis key are we in?

Sorry... I am trying. (That's what she said)

I'm milking it I know, no need to cream me for being cheesy 'cause that's whey out of lyin'. Police, feel free to try. Curd you churn out something butter?

 

[zontar]

Puns may be the lowest form of humour, but poetry is verse.

 

[mellowinman]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgcJr3o-eus

 

[Root 5]

Fighting's put a black eye on the game of hockey..

 

[BayStateBass]

How does a guy get a haircut on the moon? Eclipse it.

I put spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

What kind of fish has two knees? Two-knee fish.

What's the best time to go to the dentist? Two-thirty.