To the OP i thought your poem was fine. Thing is, as i know from my own experience, poetry can mean lots of different things to different people. I write poems, but most i dont share with others because they are just an expression of my inner thoughts and feelings. These are things i need to just get out of my head and onto paper as a way to deal with them. AT the end of the day if you are happy with what youve written then that is all that matters.
I do find though that if you revisit what you have written latter on then you can edit it without the emotion of what you have written getting in the way.
If others cant understand or enjoy my poetry then thats fine because im not writing it for them...
Pretty much +1 to all of that.
I express myself through many different outlets, and a lot of it is just for personal expression, not for other people's interest. When I am creating music, writing lyrics, poetry, doing anything artistic, I usually find things to be better off when done for noble reasons as opposed to being forced, or for alternate motives.
That being said, there are always ways to improve your stuff, not only with practice, but by looking/reading other people's stuff and learning some techniques.

) but I write many socio-political papers and essays each week and have done so for the past 15 years, so that occupies my "writing" area, and I've gotten pretty good at that, too.