More like poor unsuspecting fiancee. Whatever the case, she's on her way to ruining two relationships, from the sound of it.
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relationship question
- Thread starter ssbass
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More like poor unsuspecting fiancee. Whatever the case, she's on her way to ruining two relationships, from the sound of it.
Right on. If you're getting this much grief at 6 months, wait 'til a year from now.
First there is a lot of needless judging going on in this thread, instantly deciding that she's wrong or you are overreacting. It's more a matter of perspective. If your girlfriend were my sister, and she told me her boyfriend was giving her flack over the friendship and wedding, I would probably think you, the boyfriend, was an insecure jerk and she should probably break it off. However, if you were my best friend, I might tell you to break with her.
Luckily, I know neither of you. Here is my disinterested third party perspective.
I have an X who is also a best friend. The relationship ended not because we fought, but because we both realized we didn't work as a couple. Had no inclinations to go back for dips in the pool, if you know what I mean. We were friends before we got together, and friends after. So yes, X's can part and still be best friends, and as long as the X is not a sleaze or has demonstrated that he is not of good character, I see nothing wrong with it. With that in mind. If the current boyfriend had started dictating new rules of our two decades long friendship, especially when the new relationship was less than six months, I might have thrown a hissy fit too!... Actually, I wouldn't have thrown a hissy, it's not my way. But I would have greatly resented the interference.
Your girl has volunteered for a wedding, and we all know how ef'ing bizarre weddings can be. I hate them, but chick absolutely DIG THEM. It's like crack to them. If you get uptight about it, then you will lose her for sure. It's a wedding - things are going to get stressful on all ends. She has made a commitment to help. Be patient on this.
One other point on the wedding. If this continues to get under your skin, and you bring it up as an issue, think of the future. You're a bass player, you'll be in bands. if she isn't a musician, and you continue to spend time doing band stuff, she will sooner or later rub it in your face that you made a big deal about all the time she spent helping with the wedding, and that you're being a hypocrite. I know those are two separate things, and it doesn't make sense, but that is the way the female mind works. But it will happen. And how will you feel when she asks you to give up the band to spend more time with her?
Here is what I'm getting at. As far as I can tell, there is no one here who is being a "bad" person. She is not wrong to want to keep a best friend, and you are not wrong to be weary of her being around an X that you don't know. This isn't a matter of right or wrong, just a difference in expectations of the boundaries within the relationship, and in what each of you is comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with the X still being in her sphere, and she feels it's unreasonable to give up the friendship, and you can't reach a common peace on this, then you two, as a couple simply may not be a good match. It's only six months after all.
Good luck.
Luckily, I know neither of you. Here is my disinterested third party perspective.
I have an X who is also a best friend. The relationship ended not because we fought, but because we both realized we didn't work as a couple. Had no inclinations to go back for dips in the pool, if you know what I mean. We were friends before we got together, and friends after. So yes, X's can part and still be best friends, and as long as the X is not a sleaze or has demonstrated that he is not of good character, I see nothing wrong with it. With that in mind. If the current boyfriend had started dictating new rules of our two decades long friendship, especially when the new relationship was less than six months, I might have thrown a hissy fit too!... Actually, I wouldn't have thrown a hissy, it's not my way. But I would have greatly resented the interference.
Your girl has volunteered for a wedding, and we all know how ef'ing bizarre weddings can be. I hate them, but chick absolutely DIG THEM. It's like crack to them. If you get uptight about it, then you will lose her for sure. It's a wedding - things are going to get stressful on all ends. She has made a commitment to help. Be patient on this.
One other point on the wedding. If this continues to get under your skin, and you bring it up as an issue, think of the future. You're a bass player, you'll be in bands. if she isn't a musician, and you continue to spend time doing band stuff, she will sooner or later rub it in your face that you made a big deal about all the time she spent helping with the wedding, and that you're being a hypocrite. I know those are two separate things, and it doesn't make sense, but that is the way the female mind works. But it will happen. And how will you feel when she asks you to give up the band to spend more time with her?
Here is what I'm getting at. As far as I can tell, there is no one here who is being a "bad" person. She is not wrong to want to keep a best friend, and you are not wrong to be weary of her being around an X that you don't know. This isn't a matter of right or wrong, just a difference in expectations of the boundaries within the relationship, and in what each of you is comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with the X still being in her sphere, and she feels it's unreasonable to give up the friendship, and you can't reach a common peace on this, then you two, as a couple simply may not be a good match. It's only six months after all.
Good luck.
+1 to Sonicfrog's post (except for the bit about how the female mind works - lol!).
When the bf and I first hooked up, his close relationship with his ex really pushed my insecurity and trust buttons. They had been together 10 years, had a daughter together, and had only been broken up for 6 months. They are very close friends, which is great for their daughter. But I was uncomfortable with the fact that they either talked or texted each other every day, sometimes several times a day, and not always about issues involving their daughter. They seemed way too involved in each other's daily lives for my comfort level. I have generally maintained friendly relationships with my exes over the years so its not like I have a problem with anyone else staying friends after breaking up. But I had never had to deal with such a close ex before, even when there were kids involved.
However, back when his ex found out that he and I were getting serious, she immediately invited the bf and I for dinner and befriended me so their daughter wouldnt have any divided loyalties. Its okay to like Daddys new gf because Mummy likes her, kind of thing. Great move, and it went a long way toward helping me feel more comfortable. It still took time for me to get used to how things are between them, and to trust that they were, in fact, just good friends. But without getting to know her and being able to forge my own friendship with her, I doubt that I would ever have got there. He and I have been together three years now. The ex moved into our neighbourhood last year, so my step-daughter now has both parents within walking distance. Its a good situation, and one that could not have happened if I had continued to feel insecure and if they hadn't been able or willing to provide me with some reassurance about the status of their relationship.
There are definitely some red flags in your story as you posted it, OP. It seems odd that after seeing your gf for six months, you havent met this guy who is supposed to be such a good friend of hers. Will you be attending the exs wedding with your gf? If so, why not arrange a celebratory dinner with the other couple beforehand? It would be a chance to get to know them before they tie the knot, and it might ease your worries about your gf and her ex. Word of advice, though, dont insist that your gf only get together with the ex in your presence. Show her you trust her by encouraging her to enjoy her life and see whoever she likes. There is nothing wrong with her and the ex hooking up for coffee once in a while. Right now, theres a wedding being planned and she wants to help, so that's keeping them in closer contact that they might be normally. But if, after hes married, you still feel the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of time together and youre still uncomfortable about their relationship, then maybe, as Sonicfrog suggests, you are not compatible.
When the bf and I first hooked up, his close relationship with his ex really pushed my insecurity and trust buttons. They had been together 10 years, had a daughter together, and had only been broken up for 6 months. They are very close friends, which is great for their daughter. But I was uncomfortable with the fact that they either talked or texted each other every day, sometimes several times a day, and not always about issues involving their daughter. They seemed way too involved in each other's daily lives for my comfort level. I have generally maintained friendly relationships with my exes over the years so its not like I have a problem with anyone else staying friends after breaking up. But I had never had to deal with such a close ex before, even when there were kids involved.
However, back when his ex found out that he and I were getting serious, she immediately invited the bf and I for dinner and befriended me so their daughter wouldnt have any divided loyalties. Its okay to like Daddys new gf because Mummy likes her, kind of thing. Great move, and it went a long way toward helping me feel more comfortable. It still took time for me to get used to how things are between them, and to trust that they were, in fact, just good friends. But without getting to know her and being able to forge my own friendship with her, I doubt that I would ever have got there. He and I have been together three years now. The ex moved into our neighbourhood last year, so my step-daughter now has both parents within walking distance. Its a good situation, and one that could not have happened if I had continued to feel insecure and if they hadn't been able or willing to provide me with some reassurance about the status of their relationship.
There are definitely some red flags in your story as you posted it, OP. It seems odd that after seeing your gf for six months, you havent met this guy who is supposed to be such a good friend of hers. Will you be attending the exs wedding with your gf? If so, why not arrange a celebratory dinner with the other couple beforehand? It would be a chance to get to know them before they tie the knot, and it might ease your worries about your gf and her ex. Word of advice, though, dont insist that your gf only get together with the ex in your presence. Show her you trust her by encouraging her to enjoy her life and see whoever she likes. There is nothing wrong with her and the ex hooking up for coffee once in a while. Right now, theres a wedding being planned and she wants to help, so that's keeping them in closer contact that they might be normally. But if, after hes married, you still feel the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of time together and youre still uncomfortable about their relationship, then maybe, as Sonicfrog suggests, you are not compatible.
Thanx for the back-up TB! What kind of bass do you play?
PS. I was having a bit of fun on the "female brain" bit.
PS. I was having a bit of fun on the "female brain" bit.
This is how I see it too. Sounds like he has a say in her decision making and she'll totally side with him in an argument over you. Also, chances are that his new wife may have some issues with him being so close to her.
I'd steer clear of what seems to be an inevitable jealousy war between the 2 women later on down the road. There's nothing wrong with staying friends but the way she's acting just seems too fishy for me to drink the koolaid that everything's cool.
I'm more inclined to side with your girlfriend. It sounds like she's getting a bit nasty and defensive, but that may simply be her way of dealing with your actions. She may view you as controlling and possessive. There may be red flags on both sides. Without any strong evidence to suggest that she's cheating, it's hard to justify limiting her time spent with her ex when you are not around. That strikes me as a trust issue: she feels that you don't trust her, which may be the root of all of these problems. I may be in the minority on this, but keep in mind that this is a highly dude-centric forum.
That said, I'm not saying that I would handle the situation any better. I'm not a huge fan of ex-boyfriends either. But look at it this way: what if you developed a close friendship with a girl you hooked up with a few times back in high school. Maybe you've been friends for a decade, and now some new girl you're dating wants you to break it off just because you fooled around way back when? That's a rough position to be in, is it not? If my girl told me I couldn't hang out with one of my (female) friends, I'd be a bit hurt by that. Not just because I can't hang out with ____, but because my girlfriend doesn't trust me. Trust is a huge thing in a relationship. I can totally get that this ex dude may be holding power over her, and that you don't like it. The problem is that there may not be anything you can do about it (other than ending the relationship).
It's hard to define strict boundaries over what is possessive, and what is acceptable because there are so many cultural differences between us - some couples prefer to be very strict, others are swingers. A lot of guys are totally cool with their girlfriends going out on the weekends to dance at nightclubs - other guys would never allow it. Just because you have different expectations of what a girlfriend should and shouldn't do, doesn't make you a bad person. BUT, you can't expect that every girl will be willing to follow your rules. For example, I'm not into drinking. A girl that likes to get drunk with her friends on the weekend may be perfectly nice as a person, and may not ever cheat - but her idea of a good time doesn't mesh well with mine.
In this situation, there is no right or wrong. I don't think your partner's behavior is particularly abnormal, BUT if it bothers you, then you have trust issues. She may not be the right kind of girl for you. If you can put this all behind you, and realize that she may not be doing anything wrong, then perhaps this can all work out. But if it truly bothers you that she continues to see her ex, then this might not be a good relationship for you to be in. That doesn't make you an evil, jealous person at all, but you just might not be compatible with your girlfriend.
That said, I'm not saying that I would handle the situation any better. I'm not a huge fan of ex-boyfriends either. But look at it this way: what if you developed a close friendship with a girl you hooked up with a few times back in high school. Maybe you've been friends for a decade, and now some new girl you're dating wants you to break it off just because you fooled around way back when? That's a rough position to be in, is it not? If my girl told me I couldn't hang out with one of my (female) friends, I'd be a bit hurt by that. Not just because I can't hang out with ____, but because my girlfriend doesn't trust me. Trust is a huge thing in a relationship. I can totally get that this ex dude may be holding power over her, and that you don't like it. The problem is that there may not be anything you can do about it (other than ending the relationship).
It's hard to define strict boundaries over what is possessive, and what is acceptable because there are so many cultural differences between us - some couples prefer to be very strict, others are swingers. A lot of guys are totally cool with their girlfriends going out on the weekends to dance at nightclubs - other guys would never allow it. Just because you have different expectations of what a girlfriend should and shouldn't do, doesn't make you a bad person. BUT, you can't expect that every girl will be willing to follow your rules. For example, I'm not into drinking. A girl that likes to get drunk with her friends on the weekend may be perfectly nice as a person, and may not ever cheat - but her idea of a good time doesn't mesh well with mine.
In this situation, there is no right or wrong. I don't think your partner's behavior is particularly abnormal, BUT if it bothers you, then you have trust issues. She may not be the right kind of girl for you. If you can put this all behind you, and realize that she may not be doing anything wrong, then perhaps this can all work out. But if it truly bothers you that she continues to see her ex, then this might not be a good relationship for you to be in. That doesn't make you an evil, jealous person at all, but you just might not be compatible with your girlfriend.
I just skimmed quickly through this thread, but it seems like this relationship is on thin ice, and...
The more you put up with someone's odd behavior, the more you give them a green light to continue with it.
If you're asking for an opinion, get out now.
Good luck.
Mike
The more you put up with someone's odd behavior, the more you give them a green light to continue with it.
If you're asking for an opinion, get out now.
Good luck.
Mike
Look straight into her eyes, very closely, and ask her if she still has romantic feelings for him. You'll be able to tell by the way she reacts.
Sounds like she does to me. I'd move on personally.
My wife and I have an understanding that if one of us is not combfortable with someone they are friends with, of the opposite sex, they would stop hanging out with that person. Marriage means more than a friendship.
Sounds like she does to me. I'd move on personally.
My wife and I have an understanding that if one of us is not combfortable with someone they are friends with, of the opposite sex, they would stop hanging out with that person. Marriage means more than a friendship.
6jase5
Mammogram is down but I'm working manually
I've been with my wife for 5 years including dating and marriage.......never heard her flip out over anything. You are having drama like that after 6 months and are even bothering to ask if you should stay............um, why?
I have no tolerance for drama or jealousy. Both my wife and I have close friends that are ex's. Never once caused a problem for any of us.
I have no tolerance for drama or jealousy. Both my wife and I have close friends that are ex's. Never once caused a problem for any of us.
Hee hee! No worries, Sonicfrog - just couldn't help commenting for fun. I try very hard not to be one of those irrational, demanding women that drive men up the wall!
I'm a vocalist/songwriter/guitar player, actually, not a bass player. The bf is the bassist, which is how I got turned on to TB (best music forum ever, IMO). I've always been a big fan of the bass, though, and of those who play it well. As a songwriter, I find that having someone to provide the right bass line for a piece can often make a mediochre song into a pretty good one. If I take up the bass one day, which I may well do, I must say I'm quite partial to Fenders. I play a Strat, and one of the bf's oft-used axes is his Fender P. I also like his Godin, too.
This is such a tricky issue. I agree with asking the question point blank and gauging her reaction. I also agree that if something you're doing is creating discomfort for your partner (and vice versa), it definitely needs to be addressed. Setting ground rules that work for both of you is so important. But if it came to that, I'd also be uncomfortable dictating who someone can or cannot be friends with. I mean, if things are not going well in the relationship, is it really going to be fixed by one of you ending a friendship with someone else? Sure, it might send the message in the short term that your partner's feelings are important to you, but how then is your partner demonstrating that your feelings (including your feelings about your friendships) are important to him/her?
I'm close friends with a couple who have gone through a rough time involving this very issue (they were already having difficulty in their marriage and this nearly blew it all apart). Last year, the wife was contacted through email by an old boyfriend whom she hadn't heard from in nearly 20 years. They struck up a correspondence and talked on the phone regularly. The wife took a trip to visit some mutual friends of ours in the same city where the former bf lives and had dinner with him a couple of times when she was there. The husband was profoundly uncomfortable with this friendship and made his feelings very clear to his wife. She continued to correspond with the guy after she returned from her trip. There were a couple of inappropriate incidents, such as the former bf sending her an iPod Nano as a Christmas present without acknowledging the husband in any way (jerk). Eventually, the husband insisted his wife give up the friendship entirely. She agreed to this, but she was very angry and upset at being controlled. I believe she may still have the occasional correspondence with the guy that the husband doesn't know about (but at this point, I dont want to know any more, if you know what I mean). So dictating to her obviously wasnt a solution to their problems.
I can see both sides in this and Im sad for both of them. Regardless of what she may think, the wife wasn't handling the situation in a way that reassured her husband. She was feeling trapped and desperate because of other issues between them, and I believe this contributed to her behaving in a way that made her husband feel like there was something fishy going on (which I dont believe there actually was). On the other hand, the husband wasn't able to take a step back, try and see things from her point of view and give his wife some breathing room, which gave her the message that he didnt trust her after 17 years together. IMHO, if both parties are behaving appropriately, being open and honest with each other and taking steps to show their partner that theyre No. 1, there shouldnt be a problem with one or both being friends with an ex or someone of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if thats the way you roll).
Some great posts since my last visit. Clearly, the girlfriend has feelings for her ex of some type, and most assume this means she's still attracted to him. This might not be the case. For example, perhaps she dumped him and broke his heart, feels guilty about it, and thus feels somewhat maternal towards him. The wedding might be a relief for her because it will ease her guilt, hence her interest and participation. Feelings like this could be embarrassing, and lead to her defensiveness.
The OP's instincts are obviously telling him otherwise, but it never hurts to think of the possibilities.
The OP's instincts are obviously telling him otherwise, but it never hurts to think of the possibilities.
First , I respect and understand your opinion....
It may be needless judging...
It may also be that some who commented do not want or like drama...
I'm halfway to death , I'm not playing high school anymore.
Drama = waste of my time and energy
If someone can handle that,go for it...
I love it when a chick throws out the 'controlling' card. She's right, you can't control her actions and who she sees, but you can control your actions. Someone mentioned that weddings are like crack for chicks, which might be true, but what a chick really craves is attention. If your unhappy with something she's doing, stop being so available. Don't always text her right back, or answer her calls right away. Any conversation she has about what her x says or does should be politely cut off while you excuse yourself. If she doesn't want you involved, then don't be available for her bleating and yammering on about it. Start making your own 'friends' and hanging out with other chicks in the meantime. Depending on your level of comfort, feel free to tap a few of them too (you're not married afterall). If she cares, she will very quickly protest. At this point you guys can establish acceptable behavior. If she doesn't care, then instantly turn her into a convenient and friendly sex buddy, and proceed to start looking elsewhere for chicks to settle down with. A true x that is a friend is someone who invites you into their friendship and makes you feel comfortable, like tBrett pointed out. I foresee, her getting drunk at her exes wedding and giving them a threesome as a wedding present. You don't want to be around when that happens.
Sounds to me like the OP has real control issues..wanting to control others. If anyone had laid a set of expectations on me like he did to his girlfriend, I'd have told him to get lost. He still seems to think he's in charge of what she does...when she just wants to help out with a wedding. It's none of his darn business. He should tell her to have a good time and go have a nice weekend without her.
I'd say she'd be better off to walk away and let him find someone who makes him feel secure...and who he can control.
If you can't live your life and let others live theirs, it's not going to work. Your interests must come together...and I don't see that happening, but mainly because of his approach to the relationship.
I'd say she'd be better off to walk away and let him find someone who makes him feel secure...and who he can control.
If you can't live your life and let others live theirs, it's not going to work. Your interests must come together...and I don't see that happening, but mainly because of his approach to the relationship.
I’m not controlling anybody nor do I care to. I just think the whole situation is strange. I offered very early on to make an effort to be friends with the X. He is the one that flipped out. I am basically giving her the rope and if she hangs her self so be it. I have too much going on in my life to spend time trying to control someone else’s. Thanks again to everyone for all the input.
