Should I just leave?

[fishdreams]

I get the frustration, but there's also that you dont seem to have set clear boundaries, and you need to do that for yourself.

For example, take him saying that you are too loud. He may think that, but that doesn't mean you should turn down. It's upon the band to decide on a certain soundprofile for the music and maintaining that mutually agreed profile may require you or others to turn up or down.

Individual members saying that you are too loud because of some sort of passive-agressive interpersonal tension are out of line, period.They wouldn't let anyone talk to them that way and neither should you.

 

[ThingsAbove]

Wear some IEM's with 30db ambient reduction and just smile at him when you see his mouth move.

 

[BassplayinBob]

RANT POST.

I’ve been jamming with these guys for about 4 months now, but I actually first got in contact with one of the members almost 2 years ago.

I first met the vocalist on Kijiji a little under 2 years ago. We kept in touch while on the lookout for other band members. Finally we found a couple of guys and started jamming.

Personality-wise, I like the guys. They have a good attitude and they’re professional. They come to rehearsals and practice their stuff, just as I do.

But there’s one guy I’m having problems with. Basically, I think we have conflicting personalities, and that’s causing a few issues.

For one, I find the guy is always contradicting me for whatever I say.
Yesterday I was talking about a song and how that song has a lot of triplets. And he goes “no it’s not triplets” (it was). Another time he told me the chord progression was wrong. The chord progression I made. Another time we were talking about recording. How about in studio for an album? “It’s too expensive because of the multiple takes” I know, but we’re only going into the studio if we’re 100% ready and can play everything in one take. “Yeah but there’s always a better take”. Ok, sure we can always record at home nowadays and make it sound good. “No but it’s expensive”. Not necessarily “It’s expensive”

You know? Little contradictions to every little thing I say.

He also always asks me to turn down, while he himself uses a huge cab and absolutely dominates the mix.

Another thing is that he and the other guitarist always go into these prolonged wank sessions and play the intro riffs to all of the standard metal tunes. Ya know, raining blood, the beautiful people, etc.
“Hey! You know this song?”
*plays guitar riff*
“Yeah I know that song!”
*Proceeds to loop the main riff for 10 minutes*

Everyone else in the band seems to like him. So, I’m pretty much the inly one who’s annoyed by him.

Maybe I’m the problem? I dunno. Besides that particular person, We’re getting along fine! The drummer really likes me in fact.

Just in general, it seems it’s always me vs the band when it comes to making decisions. The band name, composition, I’m always the only one voting against.

Obviously I’m not having the time of my life with this band. But I’m not sure I want to leave because joining a band is so damn hard.

Just ask him why he always contradicts you. "is there a problem between us because I'm sensing some tension" It'll go one way or the other, fairly quickly.

You may end up being friends with the guitar player. Haha, maybe, but it probably won't happen that way.

Most likely the guitar player will go all passive aggressive on you and say something like "what?? I'm sorry you took it that way" "I was just joking" "Who me??, I didn't say anything"

You know how it ends.

 

[konfyouzd]

He's a guitar player. Some of us are just dicks, man... After being on guitar forums for a while, I've found that "know-it-all-douchebag" is a common trait. Is this guy the lead guitarist?

I played in a band once with a guy where I was the guitarist AND bassist and there was another guy that only played guitar. It seemed on days when I was playing bass he was always a bit more of a dick.

At work they call what I think I perceived "unconscious bias". I feel like that guy had it in his head that guitarists are "above" bass players in some way and he would talk like that all the time. But I also have been playing guitar much longer than bass, but since I tan year round most people assume it was the other way around and will talk down to me in musical situations a lot because apparently that makes you a better musician. *shrug*

 

[WhenTheDrumsStops]

RANT POST.

I’ve been jamming with these guys for about 4 months now, but I actually first got in contact with one of the members almost 2 years ago.

I first met the vocalist on Kijiji a little under 2 years ago. We kept in touch while on the lookout for other band members. Finally we found a couple of guys and started jamming.

Personality-wise, I like the guys. They have a good attitude and they’re professional. They come to rehearsals and practice their stuff, just as I do.

But there’s one guy I’m having problems with. Basically, I think we have conflicting personalities, and that’s causing a few issues.

For one, I find the guy is always contradicting me for whatever I say.
Yesterday I was talking about a song and how that song has a lot of triplets. And he goes “no it’s not triplets” (it was). Another time he told me the chord progression was wrong. The chord progression I made. Another time we were talking about recording. How about in studio for an album? “It’s too expensive because of the multiple takes” I know, but we’re only going into the studio if we’re 100% ready and can play everything in one take. “Yeah but there’s always a better take”. Ok, sure we can always record at home nowadays and make it sound good. “No but it’s expensive”. Not necessarily “It’s expensive”

You know? Little contradictions to every little thing I say.

He also always asks me to turn down, while he himself uses a huge cab and absolutely dominates the mix.

Another thing is that he and the other guitarist always go into these prolonged wank sessions and play the intro riffs to all of the standard metal tunes. Ya know, raining blood, the beautiful people, etc.
“Hey! You know this song?”
*plays guitar riff*
“Yeah I know that song!”
*Proceeds to loop the main riff for 10 minutes*

Everyone else in the band seems to like him. So, I’m pretty much the inly one who’s annoyed by him.

Maybe I’m the problem? I dunno. Besides that particular person, We’re getting along fine! The drummer really likes me in fact.

Just in general, it seems it’s always me vs the band when it comes to making decisions. The band name, composition, I’m always the only one voting against.

Obviously I’m not having the time of my life with this band. But I’m not sure I want to leave because joining a band is so damn hard.

1. Just speak up about it and make it an open relaxed conversation in the group .
2. Realize that music goes beyond political opinions and ideologies, etc.
3. Don't take everyting so personal in life and see that differences are often superficial and just an other prespective on the same view of reality.

"Life is just a game and there are many ways to play, all you have to do is choose".
Stanley Clarke, Schooldays.

 

[Stumbo]

The money, the music or the hang. Sounds like you don’t really have any of them. IMHO it’s past time to bail. You’ll find another bunch of musicians to play with. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Yeah, it's a jam, not a band. Or maybe it's a jam trying to be a band.

Don't hold back on what you think and say. They don't.

If they start jamming on their own, you and the drummer don't join in.

Sounds like they're noodlers looking for attention.

State your case. If they don't agree. Pack your stuff and walk out. Wish them well.

Or look for a replacement guitar player so you and the drummer can quit together.

Good luck.

+1 Money, Music or the Hang. Seems like strike three to me.

 

[delta7fred]

Another thing is that he and the other guitarist always go into these prolonged wank sessions

This on it's own would have me packing my gear up and dragging it to my car. Time that guitarists spend wanking is time you will never get back.

 

[waynobass]

But I’m not sure I want to leave because joining a band is so damn hard.

Yes it is. Stay while looking for a better situation.

And next time he asks you to turn down, say, "Instead of having a volume war, why don't we all turn down."

 

[40Hz]

An ultimatum seldom creates a positive result for the person who has given it.

I dealt with many human resources issues in a long business career, and every time someone hit me with a "it's him/her or me" ultimatum, I told them to get their personal items collected, and they left my workplace with a check for two weeks compensation. That day. My response would be the same as a band leader, albeit, a little less formal, something like, "I'll help you clear your gear out of the practice space....good luck down the road"

Same here. My default answer whenever handed an ultimatum is a very firm one of the following responses :

1. No.
2. No thank you.
3. None of the above.
4. I’m sorry, but no.
5. We’re done here.
6. How soon will you be leaving?
7. Bye!

If you’re in a bad situation, your two best options are:

1. Discuss the issue calmly and try to come to an agreement all parties involved can live with. And if that fails…
2. Politely and gracefully take your leave.

If you’re right about your position don’t abandon the highroad. Time has a way of exposing even the cleverest and most subtle of manipulators and users. So don’t burn bridges with the rest of your associates if you leave. Just calmly give them your honest reasons for leaving. Then be on your way.

FWIW There’s a very real chance some if them will be calling on you again down the road. If this guy is as bad as you feel he is your departure will likely trigger a few more departures in your wake.

Remember, you've got time on your side. Don’t be afraid to take advantage of it.

 

[AlexBassMP]

Obviously I’m not having the time of my life with this band. But I’m not sure I want to leave because joining a band is so damn hard.

For me it's easy : if I'm not happy being in a band I quit.

 

[dreamadream99]

One thousand versions of “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”...still only three answers:

1. Do nothing
2. Quit
3. Effect change

So you could do nothing, and continue to suffer your indignities (real or imagined) in silence.
Or, you could duck tail and bail, instantly relieving yourself of these conflicts.
Or, you can stay, assert yourself (somewhere along the spectrum between humiliate him and try to have a calm reasonable discussion), and convince him to alter his behavior.

 

[LBS-bass]

An ultimatum only works if you're fully prepared to leave and you and/or the synergy of the full group is valued. After months of fruitless discussion about fixing problems that never got fixed and a noted uptick in sniping and griping over said problems (too much backstory to go into but let's just say I did more than my part in trying to fix them), I decided I had had enough and it was time to call it quits. But they are friends, the hang is good, and they're nice guys. We just have quality control problems, and we need another member who can do some heavy lifting so that our least skilled member can relax and not try to play outside of his comfort zone.

So I told them recently that I was exasperated with the situation to the point at which I couldn't continue anymore with the way things are. I pointed out that I've tried to fix the problems myself, that for various reasons the problems persist, that others had agreed to try to recruit someone and that it hadn't happened. And then I said that if we can't fix it soon, I'm done. I didn't feel like I was giving an ultimatum so much as telling them what I was going to do.

We have a couple of months until our last booked gig, and they've actually got three new players lined up to audition who sound promising, so we'll see.

 

[Felken]

I hate to be the one to say it, man, but it sure sounds like you're the "disagreeable" one here.

I’ve thought about it trust me. Maybe that’s the case, but I really get along well with everyone else in the band. It’s just that one guy. And not to brag or anything, but the drummer basically tells me every rehearsal how he loves my playing. I don’t think the guys dislike me.

 

[Felken]

I'd bail

If it were that easy...

I’ve been trying to join or create a band for 3 years now, and this is the inly one that has gotten past the first rehearsal. I don’t feel like not being in a band at all again.

 

[buldog5151bass]

I’ve thought about it trust me. Maybe that’s the case, but I really get along well with everyone else in the band. It’s just that one guy. And not to brag or anything, but the drummer basically tells me every rehearsal how he loves my playing. I don’t think the guys dislike me.

Except, this was your OP:

"Everyone else in the band seems to like him. So, I’m pretty much the inly one who’s annoyed by him.

Maybe I’m the problem? I dunno.....

Just in general, it seems it’s always me vs the band when it comes to making decisions. The band name, composition, I’m always the only one voting against."

 

[Felken]

You’ll find another bunch of musicians to play with. Wash, rinse, repeat.

No I won’t, that’s the thing. After 3 years of looking around for bands, this is the only one that has gotten past the first rehearsal.

 

[Felken]

I didn’t read the OP and don’t need to. If you are asking the question on a forum, you already have your answer.

No because the alternative is practicing alone at home.

 

[Felken]

Except, this was your OP:

"Everyone else in the band seems to like him. So, I’m pretty much the inly one who’s annoyed by him.

Maybe I’m the problem? I dunno.....

Just in general, it seems it’s always me vs the band when it comes to making decisions. The band name, composition, I’m always the only one voting against."

Me voting against certain stuff is purely for the music. Besides that we gat along well.

 

[buldog5151bass]

Me voting against certain stuff is purely for the music. Besides that we gat along well.

The way I read the OP is that you have certainties, and the rest of the band has others. Whether you are right or wrong is irrelevant - either you go along with the band, or form your own group where you are bandleader. That's your choice - partly determined by whether you can pull off the second choice.

Part of being in a group is compromising, and knowing what is your "line in the sand".

 

[lethargytartare]

Finally we found a couple of guys and started jamming.

So from this, I'd consider you and the singer "founding members" -- you should talk to him first about these issues and get his personal take. He might have a strong feeling that he doesn't voice ONLY because you seem to be fine with the dynamic. But if he knew you were bothered, he might side with you.

For one, I find the guy is always contradicting me...You know? Little contradictions to every little thing I say.

Is it only with you? Pay close attention to see if he ever does that to others. If it's only you, then you need to either "fight back" or address the issue with him directly, ideally in private. If he knows he's being "watched" on the issue, that might make him back off, or he might have a reason -- he could be a terrible conversationalist, but really likes to latch onto things you bring up, so it could be a positive thing buried in terrible conversation skills. But if it's just you, you have to address it with him directly.

He also always asks me to turn down, while he himself uses a huge cab and absolutely dominates the mix.

Bring a long cable, during a song, stand as far out in "front" of the band as you can, and assess. Invite the others to do it too. Band mix is a group thing that affects everyone. If he turns up, at song break point out what other parts of the band you are unable to hear -- it's the nuts and bolts of the band, and you can confront it as a purely band-sound-matter.

Another thing is that he and the other guitarist always go into these prolonged wank sessions...

Unless it's having a negative impact on rehearsals, this shouldn't be your concern. What he does between songs is really his own business, and part of his fun. It should only bug you if it disrupts the practice. In which case you can just say to everyone "let's move on to XXX."

Just in general, it seems it’s always me vs the band when it comes to making decisions. The band name, composition, I’m always the only one voting against.

This is where you might decide you're not on the same page as everyone else, and the band isn't for you anymore. Or the other issues could be making you contrarian, and if you just got in a better place with the other issues, you might find you actually agree with everyone more?

Obviously I’m not having the time of my life with this band. But I’m not sure I want to leave because joining a band is so damn hard.

The former would negate the point of being in a band for me (unless, like other have said, it was a paying job). And the latter would never be the reason I'd stay in a band I didn't like being in.

Good luck, man!