Should I just leave?

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by Felken, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. Felken


    Jun 28, 2016
    Ottawa, CAN

    I’ve been jamming with these guys for about 4 months now, but I actually first got in contact with one of the members almost 2 years ago.

    I first met the vocalist on Kijiji a little under 2 years ago. We kept in touch while on the lookout for other band members. Finally we found a couple of guys and started jamming.

    Personality-wise, I like the guys. They have a good attitude and they’re professional. They come to rehearsals and practice their stuff, just as I do.

    But there’s one guy I’m having problems with. Basically, I think we have conflicting personalities, and that’s causing a few issues.

    For one, I find the guy is always contradicting me for whatever I say.
    Yesterday I was talking about a song and how that song has a lot of triplets. And he goes “no it’s not triplets” (it was). Another time he told me the chord progression was wrong. The chord progression I made. Another time we were talking about recording. How about in studio for an album? “It’s too expensive because of the multiple takes” I know, but we’re only going into the studio if we’re 100% ready and can play everything in one take. “Yeah but there’s always a better take”. Ok, sure we can always record at home nowadays and make it sound good. “No but it’s expensive”. Not necessarily “It’s expensive”

    You know? Little contradictions to every little thing I say.

    He also always asks me to turn down, while he himself uses a huge cab and absolutely dominates the mix.

    Another thing is that he and the other guitarist always go into these prolonged wank sessions and play the intro riffs to all of the standard metal tunes. Ya know, raining blood, the beautiful people, etc.
    “Hey! You know this song?”
    *plays guitar riff*
    “Yeah I know that song!”
    *Proceeds to loop the main riff for 10 minutes*

    Everyone else in the band seems to like him. So, I’m pretty much the inly one who’s annoyed by him.

    Maybe I’m the problem? I dunno. Besides that particular person, We’re getting along fine! The drummer really likes me in fact.

    Just in general, it seems it’s always me vs the band when it comes to making decisions. The band name, composition, I’m always the only one voting against.

    Obviously I’m not having the time of my life with this band. But I’m not sure I want to leave because joining a band is so damn hard.
    EatS1stBassist likes this.
  2. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Retired Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    This is exactly why I never answer a craigslist ad that has "jam" anywhere in the title or text. Been there, done that.
  3. ThePez


    Apr 19, 2000
    i’d leave. music is supposed to be fun. i don’t wanna play with uncool dudes, especially if there’s no $ being made.
  4. It doesn't sound like you're having any fun.
  5. 4SG


    Mar 6, 2014
    Sounds like you answered your own question.
  6. Element Zero

    Element Zero Supporting Member

    Dec 14, 2016
    Personally I’d bounce and diffuse that potential bomb before the timer starts.
    EatS1stBassist likes this.
  7. Talk to the other members, let them know it's "him or me" and talk about the "why"

    You or even a whole band won't change his attitude. Do you really want several years of the same thing you are dealing with now?
    EatS1stBassist likes this.
  8. PauFerro


    Jun 8, 2008
    United States
    I normally get out of situations where people are disagreeable. Sometimes they are disagreeable because they are intentionally trying to get you to quit. There was a manager who did that in a non-profit in which I once worked -- she tried to get the volunteeer president to quit by challenging everything she said. And sure enough, the volunteer quit (much to everyone's relief).

    Some people are just not very agreeable (there is actually a trait that typifies people -- a scale that ranges from disagreeable to agreeable in psychological testing).

    Usually when I find everyone is disagreeing with me all the time, it's a sign they don't want me there. If it's NOT intentional, then it means they have poor interpersonal skills. Disagreeableness often leads to relationship conflict, and that means dysfunction in your band. The same thing happens to me when people won't accept my ideas. If I pose 10 ideas and they reject 9 or 10 of them, it's time to jet as my voice is not heard. Had one band like that.

    I would probably get out of the situation if it's annoying you that much.
    Felken and EatS1stBassist like this.
  9. 3Liter


    Feb 26, 2015
    I swear I saw this exact post almost word for word (actually!) in here recently.
    I can’t seem to find it. Am I losing my mind?
    EatS1stBassist likes this.
  10. Wisebass


    Jan 12, 2017
    Lost in Space
    Hi Felken :)

    Sad story! Some folks just don' t like each other. :(

    Fire the drummer! (take him with you when you leave) :D

    Good luck!!!

    may the bass be with you

  11. Lobster11

    Lobster11 Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Apr 22, 2006
    Williamsburg, VA
    I hate to be the one to say it, man, but it sure sounds like you're the "disagreeable" one here.
  12. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Inactive

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    There are two courses of action here.

    While you....

    1) Start poking around for something less aggravating you should also....

    2) Talk with the drummer alone. If the drummer "really likes you" then perhaps he/she will understand. Have that person start watching for signs of what you're talking about. Maybe the drummer will even jump in and help out a little if it looks like a problem.
  13. Spidey2112


    Aug 3, 2016
    Call a practice, without the drummer or the other guitarist, and...

    ... have a conversation, between you and 'Steve Vai'.

    And at no time will you mention, 'It's me, not you.'
    Wisebass, EatS1stBassist and JRA like this.
  14. Unfortunately only you can make this decision. You have to weigh whether the pleasure you get from the band is worth the frustration this member causes you. It is possible he doesn't realize that he is upsetting you. Pull him aside sometime,not in front of everyone, and get to the root of the issue. You maybe correct that he doesn't like you, or possibly he just has a different way of communicating than you so. If things don't change afterwards, then you will know where you stand and you can go from there.
    AGCurry likes this.
  15. bearfoot

    bearfoot Inactive

    Jan 27, 2005
    Chittenango, NY
    That is super annoying, yes, but what is your reaction?
    I would have to confront that head on, but with a smile and no anger: "seriously man, do you have to contradict everything I say? I'm not feeling the bromance if that's what this is."
    I would expect the other band members might chuckle if you call it out. But if they all get nervous and quiet and Mr. Contradiction gets angry (when you presented zero anger), then it's time to leave. And I mean, just pack up and walk right out even if its in the middle of a practice.
    EatS1stBassist, 4-stringB and dcr like this.
  16. I didn't need to read further than "he and the other guitarist" to figure out what the problem is.

    This means there's at least one too many guitars in your band.
    Methaneman and EatS1stBassist like this.
  17. Spent


    May 15, 2011
    Upstate NY
    This. If it works, you’re good, if not, you were going to leave anyway. I deal with interpersonal relationships every day in my career choice; lack of communication is the biggest cause of conflict. We all come from different backgrounds yet assume everyone we meet has the same experience and responses. Just look at the answers you got to your question; firm, definitive actions based upon nothing more that a brief synopsis of you view of the situation.
  18. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    This. As you say, it's you against the band. I have no idea who is right/wrong/reasonable/unreasonable, but when you are alone on a deserted island, it doesn't matter how you got there. Accept or leave.
  19. Al T.

    Al T. Supporting Member

    Sep 24, 2006
    Richmond, VA.
    Is his best friend a bass player?
  20. Smooth_bass88

    Smooth_bass88 vaxx!

    Oct 31, 2006
    Western Hemisphere
    I'd bail
    EatS1stBassist likes this.