Should I Quit?

[joebar]

alcohoilcs are nothing but trouble.
I worked once with a really killer fiddle player; the guy had the goods but would discretely pound back the better part of a case of beer at rehearsal. we would wonder why we sounded out of tune; I knew it was him being pitchy but we were intimidated by his talent. we didn't say anything but I was looking for an out. he couldn't see it was him.

run forrest run

 

[FingerDub]

He sent a text to the drummer, but not to you? (shame) Also, he's describing what he says happened to the drummer, but wasn't the drummer there and able to see for himself what happened? (control)

I can only imagine that he knows the truth and isn't willing or able to take responsibility for his own actions. Your battle is no longer about whether or not to stay in the bands. It's about an abusive alcoholic who is not willing to change.

Best wishes to you. I know it stinks, but I think you have the information that you need in order to decide your actions.

He sent a text to the drummer in my original band. This happened at a 2nd cover band rehearsal.

The guitarist did send me a text saying "Sorry dude, I think I might have Tourette's. I dont know where that came from. I understand if it was too much for you."

I'm still pretty angry 3 days later though.

"Don't quit your job until you have another lined up."

OP hasn't indicated that he relies on the band for income, so the only thing he seems to be getting out of it in an ongoing capacity is headaches and time wasted. OP is already in 3 bands, which is a lot. There is also a possibility of either kicking the guitarist (considering he is clearly the "problem member") or starting a new band with the drummer. Being in a band Even if he didn't have all of that, it's not as if he can't continue to be musically productive in the interim (e.g. focusing on writing material he can bring to bands he might form/join in the future).


"Don't make any major decisions when you're angry, hungry or tired."

It's probably been long enough such that it won't be an emotional decision. And even if it's a decision made in a high-stress situation, this is probably unavoidable because the guitarists outbursts seem to be an ongoing thing. If it's an angry decision now, it will likely be an angry decision a month from now as the guitarist will likely continue to throw tantrums and treat people like crap.


"Lastly, drunk guy is simply projecting on to you what he hates most about himself, inability to stop."

Perhaps. And OP should take that into account and not look down on the dude (and probably already does considering he used to have drinking problems). However, recognizing this doesn't make the guitarist's behavior any less tolerable or damaging to OP's well-being. The same sorta excuses are frequently used to justify staying in an abusive relationship. You're not wrong, but OP shouldn't stick around and take that poopie if it's going to continue. Show understanding, sure. But don't tolerate it on an ongoing basis. From what we know (which, albeit, isn't all that much in the grand scheme of things), it sounds like it will continue to happen.

I don't rely on either of the 2 bands for income, although the cover band is with the idea of playing for money only. I am also not making an emotional decision - and still thinking about what to do. In regards to the behavior - I do look down upon it, and myself for the things I did. I'm torn with my own guilt. I cannot diagnose him or tell him that he is an alcoholic, but I can make decisions for the betterment of myself. I want to forgive him but it is feeling difficult to do. If you hammer a nail into a fence, and take it out, it still leaves a hole.

OP came here with a serious problem that has personal components (abuse, alcoholism). Plenty of people here are being "armchair psychologists", myself included. What do you expect? OP is literally asking for counsel.

I did seek help by posting here. 3 days later and I still have no idea what to do. I think a lot of musicians could probably relate and offer experiences, which I got.

BTW - I appreciate all who chimed in, I read every post.

 

[INTP]

He sent a text to the drummer in my original band. This happened at a 2nd cover band rehearsal.

The guitarist did send me a text saying "Sorry dude, I think I might have Tourette's. I dont know where that came from. I understand if it was too much for you."

I'm still pretty angry 3 days later though.

I get that this isn't an easy situation for you. It's easy for those of us who aren't in your situation to make hasty comments, but we haven't put the time and effort into the situation like you have, and we obviously only have the highlights, not he full story.

It still occurs to me that the guitarist is not consistent in his comments. The note from the guitarist to you about Tourette's is inconsistent with the one he sent to the drummer. Obviously, it's hard for him, too, but that inconsistency is still a flag to me. Based only on what I read in this post, it still seems like he's trying to control impressions. Apologizing on one hand while spinning it to the (other) drummer still leaves doubt about his sincerity. But again, this is just how it looks from here. It's possible that the "I don't know where that came from" could be an opening for you to have a conversation with the guitarist about his behavior while drinking, and that might be the kind of friendly help that he could use at the moment.

FWIW, I have experience with being around an abusive alcoholic, and it made me quite intolerant of bad behavior, particularly around alcohol. It's hard for me to be fully objective about stories like this. I want to be supportive of people who are really trying to change and I understand it's not a switch that a person can simply flip on/off, but at the same time I am on guard for inconsistency that could mean lip service and indicate a lack of sincerity. I understand it's not always so easy to tell, but I am highly guarded in my perception.

Again, best wishes to you.

 

[Jimmy4string]

Hit that jettison button Fingerdub!
There are many interesting opportunities that await.
Life is too short for drunks and ********.

 

[bass81800]

You being newly sober has to have its priority in this situation. I rarely drink, and the friends that are still drinking way too much have left my life.

I kind of think that the reason that he blew up at you is because your sobriety is some kind of threat to him and makes him uncomfortable. It really is his problem, you need to take care of yourself.

 

[Korladis]

Make it clear to everyone in both bands that as far as you're concerned, he is on strike 2 out of 3 and that if it happens again, you will no longer work with him.

So, if it does happen again, then make it clear that either he goes or you do.

 

[Nev375]

Just invite members of both bands for a sit and chat:

So <drummer> informed me that <guitarist> sent him a message about me that is an outright lie.
After <guitarists> outburst at me before I've decided that I can't be part of any project with him ever again. Not drunk, not sober, not ever. He and I as bandmates are done. End of story, there will be no discussions involving he and I learning how to work together.

The rest of you I love working with and would be proud to work with you in the future. Just give me a call.
But for now, things being what they are, I'm out. This is not an ultimatum and I'm not asking anyone to fire him. I'm just not going to be treated like that. It's not worth the stress it makes me feel. Good luck to all of you.

And that's it. Stick to your guns. Put the ball in their court and let the chips fall where they may. If you are good at what you do, they'd be fools to not move on with an upfront and straightforward bassist and ditch the alcoholic unstable guitarist. But seriously, you don't need to deal with that kind of crap in your life. No one does, it ain't worth it.