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Some jokes only bassists get...

Discussion in 'Bass Humor [DB]' started by NicholasF, Feb 29, 2012.

  1. NicholasF

    NicholasF Guest

    Jan 17, 2012
    1. How do you get a guitarist to change chords?
    You smack the bottom of his guitar

    2. How do you know when a drummer is nocking on your door?
    When the nocks start slowing down

    3. Why don't you let the drummer count off?
    You want to get paid tonight?

    4. How do you know when your singer is at your door?
    They can't find the key, and they don't know when to come in

    5. How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
    Put a chart in front of them
  2. Dimmik


    Apr 16, 2012
    How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. They depend on the keyboardist to do it with his left hand.


    One but the guitarist has to show him first.
    JC Nelson, jleguy and Josh Kneisel like this.
  3. The definition of an half tone? 2 bassists playing the same note together.
  4. Dimmik


    Apr 16, 2012
    Child to mother: “Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a play the bass.”
    Mother: “Make up your mind, son, you can’t do both.”

    Father to his son after his first bass guitar lesson: “What did you learn today?”
    Son: “I learned what the E string is.”
    Father (a week later): “What did you learn in your lesson today?”
    Son: “I learned what the A string is.”
    Father (a week after that): “What did you learn at your lesson today.”
    Son: “I didn’t go, I already got a gig.”

    How do bassists greet one another?
    “Hi and I’m better than you.”

    What should you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around screaming?

    What do you throw a drowning bass player?
    His amp.

    How do you get a bass player out of a tree?
    Cut the rope.

    How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
    Threaten to give him a guitar instead.

    And so on and so forth.
  5. Dimmik, your second joke was just fabulous...
  6. NicholasF

    NicholasF Guest

    Jan 17, 2012
    How do you get 3 bassists to play in tune?
    Burn two of them

    What's the difference between a gigging guitar player and a bench?
    A bench can support a family, and it serves a purpose

    What's the difference between a guitar player and bass player?
    The bass player doesn't have to collect unemployment

    What's the difference between the BG and DB?
    "Doesn't matter I'm better than you at both"

    How can you tell if someone is a working musician?
    They play bass
    How can you tell if someone is an unemployed musician?
    They play anything else

    What's the difference between a guitar player, and a brand new elevator?
    The elevator hasn't reached the high point in its life

    3 drummers, 4 singers, and 5 guitarists walk into a bar, who was paid?
    The bass player, and his band
    MYLOWFREQ likes this.
  7. A bass player and an accordion player are talking. The bass player has an old beat up instrument, and decides to leave it unattended in a convertible, hoping it will be stolen and he can collect the insurance on it. He leaves it, and sure enough, an hour or so later it's gone.

    The accordion player thinks this is just great, so he leaves an accordion in the car and goes away. When they come back an hour later, there are two accordions in the car.
  8. A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."
  9. Just found this one online:

    Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing (attributed to Tony Levin)

    In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.

    And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

    And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

    Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

    And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

    And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

    And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

    Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

    And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

    And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.

    Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

    And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

    "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

    "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

    "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

    "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

    Yea, and it was so.
  10. Dimmik


    Apr 16, 2012
    A bassist and a violinist are in a bar talking and the violinist gets drunk and says, “The trouble with you bassists is that you’re just a bunch of talentless, stuck-up stupid-asses!” The bassist stands up and says, “I can see you’re drunk so I’m just going to leave.” With that, the bassist walks away. The violinist yells, “You heard me! You bassists are a bunch of talentless stuck-up stupid-asses!” A man gets up from a nearby table and says, “Sir, I heard what you said about bassists and I want you to know how deeply I resent it!” The violinist asks, “What are you—another bassist?” The man replies, “No, I’m a talentless, stuck-up stupid-ass.”
  11. StyleOverShow

    StyleOverShow Still Playing After All These Years Gold Supporting Member

    May 3, 2008
    Ethnologists in the So. Pacific has a chance of a lifetime to visit some remote islands. There is constant drumming in the background. As he gets to know the people better, he asks them if the drumming ever bothers them.
    "No" they reply. "Drums stop, very bad". Intrigued the ethnologist asks 'what happens when the drums stop', and the chief replies "Bass solo".
  12. iiipopes

    iiipopes Supporting Member

    May 4, 2009
    Actually, it does take one. No, wait, it takes five. Or is that one? I'm sure it's five. Or one. No, five. One. Five.

    One five one five one five one bum bum bum....
  13. iiipopes

    iiipopes Supporting Member

    May 4, 2009
    The guitar player went over to the bass player's house to practice (Actually, an excuse to drink beer, but, well, you know, I resemble that remark. But I digress....). When he got there the bass player was chasing his young son down the hall yelling, "Come back here you little..." "WHOA!" says the guitar player, "What happened?" The bass player stoped chasing, caught his breath and said, "He turned one of my tuners." The guitar player asked, "Yeah, so?" The bass player replied, "He didn't tell me which one or how much!"
  14. NicholasF

    NicholasF Guest

    Jan 17, 2012
    Sounds like this might be a true story....
  15. NicholasF

    NicholasF Guest

    Jan 17, 2012
    Haha good one, this is one I havnt heard before
  16. A Bartender was explaining to a regular patron that the key to his success was his ability to engage in conversations with customers of all IQ levels. To demonstrate, he chooses a random customer at the other end of the bar and asks him his IQ. “185,” the guy replies, and the bartender easily slides into a casual discussion of quantum mechanics.

    The next guy he asks tell him his IQ is around 115, so they begin a conversation about the current political candidates and how poorly the local baseball team is doing.

    The bartender moves to the next guy and asks his IQ, and the guy replies “I dunno. About 65, I think.”

    “Oh, really?” the bartenders says. “Do you play French or German bow?”
  17. jebmd

    jebmd Gold Supporting Member

    May 4, 2009
    Lothian, Maryland
    ^ Awesome!! I can't sip my drink while I'm reading this thread....
    EADGuy likes this.
  18. Don Higdon

    Don Higdon In Memoriam

    Dec 11, 1999
    Princeton Junction, NJ
    Did you hear about the bassist whose intonation was so bad that the rest of the section noticed?
    Winoman, Mister Boh, RSBBass and 4 others like this.
  19. Jazzdogg

    Jazzdogg Less barking, more wagging!

    Jul 29, 2006
    San Diego, CA
    ...or the one about the drummer who was so distraught about being constantly criticized for dragging the tempo that, in a final act of desperation, he threw himself behind an oncoming train...
  20. Jazzdogg

    Jazzdogg Less barking, more wagging!

    Jul 29, 2006
    San Diego, CA
    Q: How can you tell when the stage is perfectly level?

    A: There is drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
    Seiki likes this.

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