Double Bass Some jokes only bassists get...

[Chad Michael]

What's the difference between a drummer and a podiatrist?

Well, one bucks up the feet....

 

[zontar]

Variartion:
Marine Band "G" harp into a Rubbermaid trashcan at 30 feet- no rim.......

Good thing mine is "A"

 

[BrassedOn]

I try to translate from italian:
jazz musicians go to the bar after a gig. The bassist says: "I'll take a tonic" and the others: "finally it was time!"

Translates well. Bonissimo. Mille Grazie! In US, you hear it as, “Finally, it’s about damn time!”

 

[Yango]

There’s a dead frog in the road and a dead trombonist in the road, what’s the difference between the two?

Skid marks in front of the frog.

 

[Yango]

A toad is driving his Mustang eastbound on the highway, and passes a trombonist driving westbound in his Gremlin. What’s the difference between the two?

The toad is on his way to a gig.

 

[seilerbird]

Geddy died and ascended into the waiting room for heaven. An St Peter walks up and says "Hello welcome to heaven. I have some bad news for you, you are not allowed to bring your bass into heaven. If you want to keep your bass with you then you must go to hell instead." So Geddy was distraught. Did he want to spend the rest of his time in heaven without the bass or in hell with the bass. He sat down on a bench outside the pearly gates to ponder this heavy question when suddenly he notices a very skinny guy inside of heaven playing some incredible runs on an old Fender Jazz. He rushes up to St Peter's desk and starts waving his arms. "I thought you said I could not bring my bass into heaven. Look over there, that dude has one." St Peter doesn't even look up. "Ignore him. That is God. Occasionally he likes to pretend he is Jaco."

 

[Mister Mo]

 

[Mister Mo]

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Threaten to give him a guitar instead.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?

Wrong answers only.

 

[Volker Kirstein]

 

[210superair]

My sound guy is Russian.

He's a Czech 1, 2. Czech 1,2.

 

[byrdzeye]

Actually, although I answered this above, upon reflection I have realized that female vocalists fall into four categories:

1) At 33%: those who want to come up and sing "Summertime".
2) At 33%: those who want to come up and sing "My Funny Valentine".
3) At 33%: those who want to come up and sing "At Last".
4) Approx. 1%: those who know and can sing some other tunes.

Ya gotta add "Moondance" to this list. Just...argh!

 

[Deitz]

And do you know how a singer changes a light bulb? He waits for the world to spin around him.

Or it can be "how does a singer change a light bulb? - He doesn't, he'll just steal somebody else's spotlight..."

 

[Roger Davis]

Ya gotta add "Moondance" to this list. Just...argh!

We don’t care for it over here too.

 

[deste]

A bass player and an accordion player are talking. The bass player has an old beat up instrument, and decides to leave it unattended in a convertible, hoping it will be stolen and he can collect the insurance on it. He leaves it, and sure enough, an hour or so later it's gone.

The accordion player thinks this is just great, so he leaves an accordion in the car and goes away. When they come back an hour later, there are two accordions in the car.

I knew this as a viola joke...

 

[deste]

Just found this one online:

Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing (attributed to Tony Levin)

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

Yea, and it was so.

Simply wonderful.

 

[deste]

A female opera singer, of rather large girth, is being escorted backstage (during a performance) by a stage hand, when they come to a narrow doorway -
"You may want to turn sideways here, so you don't damage your costume, Ma'am", he whispers.
To which the Diva replies:
"Honey... I ain't got no Sideways!"

I heard this about the great Montserrat Caballé. Knowing how joyful and ironic she was, it might as well be true.

 

[deste]

"-Sir, what do you think about the pianist execution?
-That would be excessive, a couple of years in jail will be enough."

Hope is funny in English too, as it's not my birth language.

In italian works absolutely fine.

 

[deste]

Of course you'll know this...
Instrument Jokes

 

[vin*tone]