Wow. I don't even know where to start with that kind of arrogance/ignorance.
To me the Michael Anthony van halen drumming 8's is boring, just like a perfectly manicured lawn. You're a living breathing person not a machine. You're supposed to be adding some creativity. Want strait 8's? Have a keyboard player or a chimp mash on a synth. How about listening to the snare or kick or rhythm guitar and matching that? Okay, gotta have that sound angle your neck and fingers so they're the same distance from the strings and play ahead or behind the pickups. Or if you don't care about bass at all do the unthinkable and borrow a pick from the guitar player...
The attitude is ridiculous, and sounds very much like it's coming from somebody who can't do it. Straight, solid, evenly toned eighths are HARD, and are an essential part of the groove in all kinds of music. I spent decades to get where I am now, and for good reason. My tone and consistency are BIG reasons why I work so much. The more any studio has to fudge/compress/ride your part, the less likely you will ever get called back.
Mock Michael all you want. I'd lay cold hard cash you can't play his parts without a lot of shedding. It may just be one note, but the art is putting it in the right places. Ask Bill Laswell or Bob Babbitt, because they will both talk your ear off on the topic.
Those that can, do. Those that can't, hate.
Yeah, you can replace Rocco or Skeets with a "chimp mashing on a synth".
When I taught at the National Guitar Workshop, I was lucky enough to get to hang with Manring for a few days. You know what he does for an entire day of one of his seminars? Makes them play with a metronome going so slow you think he turned it off, and makes the entire class play one note, dead on beat. He then walks around the room and listens to each student, telling them if they are early/late/weak/strong etc. Easily one of the single best lessons I've ever learned about what it means to actually PLAY my instrument, and not just crank notes out of it.
So there. Now I'VE talked your ear off about it, lol.
For the OP, it's already been said. Set that metronome loud and slow, and try to make each note the exact same weight and duration. I wouldn't start raising the click rate for at least a week or two. Bore the living snot out of yourself with it before you start speeding up. Since you are essentially starting from scratch, why not go for the 3 finger 8ths a la Entwistle or Steve Harris? That would REALLY add something to your arsenal!