There are it seems, few 2nd chances

[P. Aaron]

You could in a way say they were doing what they could to provide you with hope for the future. There's more than one way to look at or interpret things and I'm just offering up a possibility.

I've known these guys for more than a decade, there was NEVER a word uttered that I was going to be replaced. They always referred to the mercenary as 'filling in'.

Plus the VM firing? the lack of any communication from anyone else in the band?

That's makin' me feel real special, important and 'hopeful'.

I was the bridge they could afford to burn. They could've been grown-ups about it.

 

[Jim Campbell]

Then why did they lead me on for a year? To make me feel good?

I can take a 'No'.

i hear ya'..... years ago i had a long think about people i knew,and analyzed just what the whole friend thing was all about.....turns out i had lots of acquaintances,but i realized that so few could be called friends that i started to thin the herd.....i stopped feeling obligated to go here or there simply because group a or b was going,and stopped doing favors for a lot of people that i determined were just users.....

i would consider your situation as an epiphany......if you sit down and think what so and so would do if you were of no further use to them you really understand the whole friend dynamic more clearly.....

 

[ggunn]

Not to be a jerk, but we've only heard one side of the story. I was in a distantly similar situation a few years ago. We built a band of friends and we were pretty good, The drummer, however had some problems and left to go to detox/rehab where his family lives, some 1500 miles away. A drummer who had played with me in another band offered to fill in when it looked like our original drummer would be back soon, but as time wore on, the new drummer worked in really well and helped us move up a bit. Two years later, the original drummer called our keyboardist and told him he was moving back and would like to get back in the band.

We told him no. I mean, we felt really bad about it; he was a friend and all, but we had progressed as a band far beyond where we had been two years before. Our material had changed pretty drastically, and the new guy took to the new stuff like a duck to water. To switch drummers back would have been a giant step backwards for the band and wouldn't have been fair to the rest of us. Of course, we didn't put it that way when we talked to him, but it was very awkward for everyone.

Our original drummer was very gracious about it and after a little cooling off period, we are all still friends.

 

[Thunderthumbs73]

As some of you know, I was diagnosed last year with Multiple Myeloma. I was hospitalized and in severe pain off & on for months. Then a slow fragile state of healing and am now well on to a recovery or, at least a stalemete.

At the time, I had to cancel everything in life. My wife & kids were always there, and some friends...even the guys from the band. I told them I would return and they kept encouraging me to get better. Within a year, I am physically ready to play again. Remarkable if I do say so myself.

The band had to hire a mercenary to play shows for me but, all the while, I made clear that I was coming back and the band made no noise to the contrary. As late as August of this year, I called and said: "when am I starting back with you guys?". They said they'd look into it and get back with me. Problem: the mercenary is a friend of the key-player who's buddied up to the guitarist.

Well, I am out, they voted & said via-VM that they didn't want to "go backwards" and are not asking me back. I was insulted by the 'going backwards' comment. The mercenary they have is a pretty limp player. I know this 'cause I have worked with 'em in another gig. But it seems a coalition has been built and I guess that's just the way it is. But get this:

One band-mate, I have known for 13 years, another 12 years. I was informed via voice mail by one of the 2. The other, no call, nothing.

I can't decide if I am more mad or hurt. After over a decade of 'friendship' and nearly 7 years in this band to have the door slammed that hard. Cold...just cold.

Yeah, I plan on moving on but...just...wow! Some people.

Really sucks. Sorry to hear this. But... ...you DID find out who your friends are and aren't, if there is a silver lining in this. I found out some childhood friends really weren't any friends of mine through the vehicle of a "band". And I'm glad, in the long-term that I found out. I haven't talked to those people since, and it's been about 10-11 years now. I haven't tried to contact them, and they haven't tried to contact me. It's over.

It's understandable to be both mad and hurt. I would not blame you. There are what I call, the "users", which are people that are cool with you as long as they need you, and having you around suits their needs. And if you don't suit their needs at any point, no matter the history, whatever you can bring to the table, if you're better bassist, the nature of a pre-existing relationship that predates music, etc, etc, etc... ...is of little, if not no discernable consequence to them. Time will tell, but if nobody in this band calls you up or inquires how you're doing (your health, etc...) in the future, my guess is that they'd fall into what I'd call the "users" category.

And why would you want to play music with anyone like that anyway? A rhetorical question, I suppose.

 

[ggunn]

Really sucks. Sorry to hear this. But... ...you DID find out who your friends are and aren't, if there is a silver lining in this. I found out some childhood friends really weren't any friends of mine through the vehicle of a "band". And I'm glad, in the long-term that I found out. I haven't talked to those people since, and it's been about 10-11 years now. I haven't tried to contact them, and they haven't tried to contact me. It's over.

It's understandable to be both mad and hurt. I would not blame you. There are what I call, the "users", which are people that are cool with you as long as they need you, and having you around suits their needs. And if you don't suit their needs at any point, no matter the history, whatever you can bring to the table, if you're better bassist, the nature of a pre-existing relationship that predates music, etc, etc, etc... ...is of little, if not no discernable consequence to them. Time will tell, but if nobody in this band calls you up or inquires how you're doing (your health, etc...) in the future, my guess is that they'd fall into what I'd call the "users" category.

And why would you want to play music with anyone like that anyway? A rhetorical question, I suppose.

All I'm saying is that many of us are painting "those guys" with a pretty black brush for not hearing their side of the story. I doubt that the situation is as clear cut as a lot of us are making it out to be. For example, if the replacement player happened to fit the band much better than our guy, their friendship may be the very thing that made it hard for them to be honest with him about it. Sure, from his POV the situation sucks, but bands cut members every day for a multitude of reasons, and we don't know the whole story in this case.

 

[Thunderthumbs73]

All I'm saying is that many of us are painting "those guys" with a pretty black brush for not hearing their side of the story.

True. Either the OP doesn't know what is "really" up with "those guys", or hasn't said so, even though he does know. I assume in good faith, it's the former, instead of the later. I admit you do have a point, but also I'm trying to respond based on what we, TB, have been told about the situation.

I think more to the point, at least as far as I'm concerned, is putting forward the notion of encouragement that the OP CAN go on and do well, despite this setback, and also to acknowledge that (as far as I can tell) he was done wrong and commiserate a little.

I hope in response:
a.) he doesn't feel all alone
b.) gains, retains or acts on courage to continue

All of which is a positive thing, and that good can come out of bad, medically, AND musically.

I've been there.

 

[ggunn]

True. Either the OP doesn't know what is "really" up with "those guys", or hasn't said so, even though he does know. I assume in good faith, it's the former, instead of the later. I admit you do have a point, but also I'm trying to respond based on what we, TB, have been told about the situation.

I think more to the point, at least as far as I'm concerned, is putting forward the notion of encouragement that the OP CAN go on and do well, despite this setback, and also to acknowledge that (as far as I can tell) he was done wrong and commiserate a little.

I hope in response:
a.) he doesn't feel all alone
b.) gains, retains or acts on courage to continue

All of which is a positive thing, and that good can come out of bad, medically, AND musically.

I've been there.

All true. I've been the firer and the firee. As a matter of fact, I've had to fire the same guy from one band who had had to fire me from another. And we're still friends.

There's no point in dwelling on how "those guys" are such jerks when we don't know what their motivations are. Accentuate the positive, de-emphasize the negative. Don't look back.

 

[KillerQuebec]

removed. -Josh Ryan

 

[Thunderthumbs73]

Another whining thread short on facts.

I think it's a little selfish of you to think you can walk in and get your old gig back after leaving these guys in the lurch for over a year.

Yeah. Having to deal with Multiple Myelomas DOES qualify for "leaving these guys in the lurch" and "selfish" too. Sorry, I forgot about that part. And "whining" in general, too.

 

[ggunn]

Yeah. Having to deal with Multiple Myelomas DOES qualify for "leaving these guys in the lurch" and "selfish" too. Sorry, I forgot about that part. And "whining" in general, too.

Maybe he made some unfortunate choices of words, but those are valid points, IMO. The band, if they are serious about the project, can't put the whole thing on hold for a year, or go off in a different direction and be expected to backtrack. I feel for the OP, but I don't agree that just because the band decided to forge on ahead without him, that automatically makes them "users" or whatever epithets you guys want to hurl in their direction without even hearing what they have to say on the matter. It's a tough situation all around. Who are you (the collective "you", not you in particular) to judge?

 

[KillerQuebec]

I do tend to come off a little direct, and being online doesn't really help mitigate said directness.

Let's say it may a bit unrealistic to expect someone to hold a position open for a bass player. If you were the lead singer or the signature guitar player then maybe something could be done there.

But most of us know that as bass players, we are pretty fungible & interchangeable. Didn't some great band hire their mechanic to play bass when they got caught short?

Sorry about your situation, but really, I am happy as can be that you overcame this dreaded disease.

Focus on the good in your life, and leave this stuff way behind in the dust. I would think a near brush with your untimely demise would have instilled these attributes to you.

I've gone back to work a few weeks after a heart attack and a less than three days after a major motorcycle accident where I broke 5 ribs and had a concussion that made me dizzy for 6 months. I wasn't gonna let some other swinging dick take my job because of an injury.

I've recorded tracks so I can still fill in after I'm dead!

Congrats on cheating death!! And don't sweat the small poop, and it's all small poop

 

[Jim Campbell]

Another whining thread short on facts.

How many gigs a month did you play with these guys?

How many gigs a month are they doing now?

I don't think any laws require any employer to hold a position open for someone for a year.

I'm sure they were trying to be nice to someone they thought was going to die, hence they reason they waited to fire you when you were well. They didn't want to take away your hope.

I wouldn't be angry one bit at these guys. I would be gracious and understanding. I would offer my services if something came up. I would also look for another band.

I think it's a little selfish of you to think you can walk in and get your old gig back after leaving these guys in the lurch for over a year.

As far as getting axed by VM or text. That's just the way folks roll these days.

no need of this.

 

[KillerQuebec]

both of you are being disrespectful at this point, time to stop. -Josh Ryan

 

[P. Aaron]

Not to be a jerk, but we've only heard one side of the story. Our original drummer was very gracious about it and after a little cooling off period, we are all still friends.

I would have been fine with that HAD THEY not kept me hopeful through our conversations OVER THE YEAR I have been recuperating.

Even a month before, the band still didn't say 'no'. They didn't have the guts to say anything!

It was a band I helped form.

 

[P. Aaron]

Another whining thread short on facts.

How many gigs a month did you play with these guys?

How many gigs a month are they doing now?

I don't think any laws require any employer to hold a position open for someone for a year.

I'm sure they were trying to be nice to someone they thought was going to die, hence they reason they waited to fire you when you were well. They didn't want to take away your hope.

I wouldn't be angry one bit at these guys. I would be gracious and understanding. I would offer my services if something came up. I would also look for another band.

I think it's a little selfish of you to think you can walk in and get your old gig back after leaving these guys in the lurch for over a year.

As far as getting axed by VM or text. That's just the way folks roll these days.

How much of this thread did you read?

If you would go back and READ the original post and subsequent answers to question by others who DID READ the thread, you may have noticed that THE BAND and I stayed in touched and talked of my EVENTUAL return.

Sometimes it's not what you do or say, it's all in how you do or say it. Or, read it.

 

[KillerQuebec]

Are any of you guys in real working bands?

 

[Gus Borden]

Aaron, it's great that you overcame, I hope you can stay healthy.

I feel for you, completely. I went through several years where I had to battle health conditions and didn't quite know where I would end up. Eventually, I "won", which is to say I accepted a smaller set of circumstances in place of the bigger set. I'll never have the old me back, but the new me is doing pretty good. I made it through with the strength of my fiance, family and my friends. I was lucky, my friends whom I'd played with for years stuck around and it really provided me with a bit of - well hard to put my finger on what it provided, but it was a good thing.

We ended up continuing to play together, and if they would have pulled that level of crap, I don't know if I'd have reacted as well as you did. What some are missing here is that these were friends. They could have just as easily stood by their friend and provided support AND been straight with Aaron by telling him that they were going to find a new bassist.

You're right to be offended. A voice mail? Are you kidding me? Grow some and learn some respect for your fellow man. You don't end an association like that via voic email. But you're also right to move on and let it be in the past. Good for you. Stay healthy.

 

[Gus Borden]

Oh yea, if you like your tone, whoever you play with will like it too. Always been my philosophy. IF you have a tone that works for you, it's a part of your style. I have been in a lot of bands, doing different music over the years - but I've never changed equipment for a band so that my "sound" would fit. And strangely enough? It always fits. I mean unless your going from metal to country, how much could your tone stick out?

 

[57pbass]

As some of you know, I was diagnosed last year with Multiple Myeloma. I was hospitalized and in severe pain off & on for months. Then a slow fragile state of healing and am now well on to a recovery or, at least a stalemete.

At the time, I had to cancel everything in life. My wife & kids were always there, and some friends...even the guys from the band. I told them I would return and they kept encouraging me to get better. Within a year, I am physically ready to play again. Remarkable if I do say so myself.

The band had to hire a mercenary to play shows for me but, all the while, I made clear that I was coming back and the band made no noise to the contrary. As late as August of this year, I called and said: "when am I starting back with you guys?". They said they'd look into it and get back with me. Problem: the mercenary is a friend of the key-player who's buddied up to the guitarist.

Well, I am out, they voted & said via-VM that they didn't want to "go backwards" and are not asking me back. I was insulted by the 'going backwards' comment. The mercenary they have is a pretty limp player. I know this 'cause I have worked with 'em in another gig. But it seems a coalition has been built and I guess that's just the way it is. But get this:

One band-mate, I have known for 13 years, another 12 years. I was informed via voice mail by one of the 2. The other, no call, nothing.

I can't decide if I am more mad or hurt. After over a decade of 'friendship' and nearly 7 years in this band to have the door slammed that hard. Cold...just cold.

Yeah, I plan on moving on but...just...wow! Some people.

First & foremost - congratulations on your recovery....
I would forget those guys and look ahead to better things....

 

[Thunderthumbs73]

Are any of you guys in real working bands?

Yes. Two of them. One, I've been with 10+ years, and have done very well with.