What's the funniest joke you know?

[soulgeezer]

This is mine:

A Catholic priest and rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork.?
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs"
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork"
The rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich"
The priest noded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him. Father, have you ever fallen to the temptions of the flesh.?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was week and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

 

[burk48237]

Actually the world funniest joke was written by Ernest Scribler, Here's the story:

 

[Depth_Charge]

I used to use my best joke at the end of a good date.

"I really enjoyed that, thanks for your company! You know I hear it's important to keep a lady laughing on a date and I think I did that" while moving closer to her face/lips). They usually agree. It would be rude not to

"But you know what?"
What?
"Whenever I go for the goodnight kiss, they still think I'm joking..."

This usually results in immense laughter, or at the least a "how cute" reference, usually followed by a darn good kiss goodnight.

 

[Benjamin Strange]

Q: What's better than winning the gold medal at The Special Olympics?

A: Being able to walk.

 

[IconBasser]

so there's a farmer who has lots of hens, but no roosters, and he LOVES eggs. So he goes to his neighbor farmer and asks for a rooster to borrow. The other farmer says "well, sure, I'll give him to ya, but I warn ya, he's very.. 'active'".

so the farmer takes this rooster home, and within an hour, every one of his hens are 'done'. Within another hour, all his animals are done. He goes out later to return the rooster, and finds him dead on the ground, with crows and vultures overhead. So he picks it up, and the rooster opens one eye and says, "Shhhh.. they're coming closer".

 

[IAmTheDood]

So a blonde is out driving in the country and comes across a sheep farm with a lot of sheep. She goes up to the hearder and asks, if I can correctly count how many sheep you have, can I take one home?

The hearder looks at her and says "Sure".

She looks over the sheep, says "110."

The hearder says wow, your right, go pic yourself out one.

She comes back, puts it in the car, says "Thanks!" ... before she drives off the hearder says "Hey, can I have my dog back?"

 

[IconBasser]

oooohhh, I forgot my favorite!


Superman is flyin around town one day, and sees wonder woman lying naked on a roof. So he thinks, "man, I could get her done in two seconds!". So he does. As he's flyin away, Wonder woman says "Awww that was fantastic!". Then invisible man says, "Yeah, but my a$$ sure hurts..."

 

[Phalex]

What do you call a Hispanic woman with no arms and no legs?


Consuelo!

 

[morf]

So a blonde is out driving in the country and comes across a sheep farm with a lot of sheep. She goes up to the hearder and asks, if I can correctly count how many sheep you have, can I take one home?

The hearder looks at her and says "Sure".

She looks over the sheep, says "110."

The hearder says wow, your right, go pic yourself out one.

She comes back, puts it in the car, says "Thanks!" ... before she drives off the hearder says "Hey, can I have my dog back?"

Doesnt make sense, how did she get 110 sheep right if she thought the dog was also a sheep? She had to miscount somehow.

Contribution:

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it

 

[excane]

My top 10 jokes would get me a permanent goodbye here on TB so I'll just dumb it down to my "other" top jokes.




Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?....



You ever try and peel apart a grilled cheese?

 

[plexibass]

Q: What's better than winning the gold medal at The Special Olympics?

A: Being able to walk.

oh damn. thats just wrong..........i could barely type i was laughing so hard........which is even wronger.

 

[IconBasser]

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?....



You ever try and peel apart a grilled cheese?

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

[Marlat]

Did you hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cabinet.

 

[morf]

Did you hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cabinet.

Best one yet

 

[jomahu]

our sax player always uses this one for soundcheck:

a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. the bartender says to them:

"sorry, we don't serve minors."

 

[Depth_Charge]

our sax player always uses this one for soundcheck:

a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. the bartender says to them:

"sorry, we don't serve minors."

I'd appreciate that joke more if I wasn't just guessing the minor is the flat note? Yep, thats my theory level.

 

[BellBottomBlues]

All of my jokes are racist or sexist...

but here's a good one...

What kind of bee's make milk?

















boobies.

 

[bmc]

Ok...totally tasteless visual joke here. If easily offended, move on.









Next time at a gig, take off a shoe and blow cigarette smoke into it. As the smoke is slowly coming out of the shoe, ask some one, "What's this?" Tell them it's someones shoe at a Baghdad bus stop.

 

[excane]

A midget gets into an elevator with a beautiful woman.

The midget says "Excuse me, can I smell your snatch?"

The woman yells "NO!"






The midget says "Then it must be your feet"

 

[Baryonyx]

Ah, none of my jokes are TB friendly...

you might have heard my favourite, but it involves a goth, a nun and a busdriver...hohoho.