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What's the funniest joke you know?

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#601
A man sees an ad in the local paper - Talking dog for sale, $50.
Skeptical but intrigued, he heads over to the address in the ad.
He knocks on the door, inquires after the dog, and is led to the back yard, where the mongrel dog is tied to a scrubby tree.
The owner says " I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted", and walks away.
The man says to the dog, "Is it true? Can you really talk"?
"Yes." replies the dog.
"Where did you learn to talk"? asked the man.
"I spoke from a very early age," replied the dog. "I was always precocious, which is why I was admitted to Princeton at age four, on a full scolarship. After graduating magna cum laude, I wanted to give back to the country, so I volunteered to join the Army. I was sent to Iraq, where I worked undercover, helping to apprehend many of Saddam's henchmen. Then, I was sent to Afganistan, where I saved a platoon of Marines that had been captured by the Taliban. After returning home, I was secretly awarded the Medal of Honor. I then attended Harvard Medical School, worked on the human genome project and became a concert pianist."
"How did you end up here"? asked the man.
"It's a long complicated story, that I'll be happy to tell you if you buy me, and get me out of here." replied the dog.
The man excused himself and walked over to the dog's owner.
"He's really amazing!" said the man. "I do have a question before I buy him, though. Why are you selling him for only $50"?
The owner replied. "Because that dog's an effing liar. He didn't do half that s**t he says he did."
 
#604
A woman goes to the doctors because when she farts there's no stank.

The doctor gives her a bottle of pills and tells her to take one a day, and come back in a week.

A week passes, and the lady heads back to see the doctor. She get in his office an says "I don't know what was in those pills you gave me, but now my farts stink like a dead dog!"

The doctor replies "Okay then, now that we've sorted out the problem with you sense of smell we'll work out why you're farting so much"......
 
#605
I always heard that more as:

An old woman was at her doctors office for a routine appointment and the doctor asked if she had any other concerns. She replied that she was wondering about something but it wasn't really important. He asked her to go on and she said that she had been farting excessively lately. But it was really a problem because they didn't make a sound or stink at all. The doctor said "Hmmmmm. Try these pills and come back in a week." She does so and at the next appointment she complains that she's been making horrible, foul-reek-of-death stinky farts all week and it's embarassing. The doctor replies "Okay. So you're sinus infection is cleared up. Now let's see what we can do about your hearing."
 
#611
A woman is about to get married for the fourth time and goes to the gynecologist for a checkup first.
The doctor examines her and gives her a clean bill of health, but he is clearly puzzled.
She says, "you're wondering why I'm still a virgin, aren't you?"
He responds that she is correct.
"Well, my first husband was a psychiatrist: he just talked about it.
My second husband was an artist: he just drew pictures of it.
My third husband was a general contractor: he kept telling me he would get around to it.
This time I'm marrying a lawyer, so I know I'll finally get screwed."
 
#612
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a slimy bottomfeeder, the other is just a fish.


If a lawyer falls into a school of barracudas, why will they throw him back into his boat?

Professional courtesy.
 
#613
A farmer has a problem: he has 500 hens and no roosters. He goes down to the barber shop to ask his friends what to do. One of his friends says "I have a rooster you can borrow for a few days." The farmer says, "What good will that do? Only one rooster, and I can only have him for a few days? I have 500 hens." His friend says, "Don't worry, he's really virile. He can service all of your hens."

So the farmer borrows the rooster, takes him back to the farm, and turns him loose. Immediatley the rooster runs up to the nearest hen, does his "business", runs up to the next hen, takes care of her, etc. He keeps running up to the hens and nailing them as fast as he can until nightfall. The farmer shakes his head in disbeleif and goes to bed.

The next morning he gets up, goes outside, and sees the rooster doing it with a sheep. He finishes and runs up to a cow and does it with her. All day long, the rooster nails every female animal in sight. The farmer shakes his head in disbeleif and goes to bed.

The next day the farmer wakes up, goes outside, and sees the rooster lying on his back, tounge hanging out, apparently dead. He walks over and says, "You stupid rooster, all that foolin' around, you done gave yourself a heart attack."

The rooster opens his eyes and says, "Sshh. Vultures."
 
#614
A prospector had been working his very isolated claim for about a year… no contact with any other humans, but pretty successful in his panning. With his gold bag full, he decides to make the trek into town, for some R and R.
He heads to the local watering hole and orders a beer from the bartender. He then asks the bartender,
“Are there any women in town? It’s been well over a year since I’ve been with a woman”.
The bartender replies, “no, not a one, but there is always old Billy, down at the laundry”.
The prospector is completely put off.. “no thanks he says, I’m really not into that sort of thing” So he finishes his beer and heads back to the claim.

A year passes and the prospector starts to thinking, maybe there are women in town now, so off he heads, back to town. He returns to the same bar, same bartender,
“Are there any women in town now?”, he asks.
“No, not a one, but there is always old Billy, down at the laundry”.
“Well, says the prospector, I’m still not into that sort of thing”, so once again, he finishes his beer and makes the trek, back to the claim.

Another year passes and now, the prospector is getting really randy. He decides to hit the town again. Back to the same bar and bartender.
“Are there any women in town yet?” he asks.
“No, not a one, but there is always…”
“Yah, I know about Billy at the laundry and I’m not really into that sort of thing, but I have put a lot of thought into it and well, at this point, I think I may be interested”, says the prospector… “but I have a question. If I decide to take you up on the offer to see Billy at the laundry, well, how many people are going to know?” says the prospector.
“Just the five of us”, answered the bartender
“Five of us!!! A surprised prospector asks.
“Yah, the five of us”, answers the bartender
“Who the heck are the five of us?” asks the prospector
“Well,” says the bartender… “There’s you, and me and Billy and the two guys holding Billy down, cause Billy’s really not into it either!”
fishheadjoe
 
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