I have heard Lemmy Kilmister tell this joke on several occasions. still gets me laughing.
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What's the funniest joke you know?
- Thread starter soulgeezer
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I have heard Lemmy Kilmister tell this joke on several occasions. still gets me laughing.
Two lesbians walk into a brothel and request a couple fo 14 year old girls. The madame turns to them & says "Sorry Ladies, we don't serve minors to lickers".
YEAH!
YEAH!
... did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac...?
He would lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
He would lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
This is a quick Yahoo Answers version of a joke I can stretch out to half-an-hour...
A man stands on crutches and hobbles to the front, the faith healer asks, "what is your name son"? the man says "Charlie".
The FH says, "Charlie, do you have faith in god?" Charlie replies, "Yes, I do" FH then says, "Do you wish to be healed?", Charlie replies "yes, I do" the FH then says "Charlie, step on the stage and stand behind the screen, Is there anyone else out there wanting to be healed?" up stands a man who says "By dame is Jimmy an I haf a speech impediment", the FH says "Jimmy, do you wish to be healed"? Jimmy says "yeth I do" FH says "Jimmy, do you have faith in god" Jimmy replies, "yeth, I haff". the FH then says, "Jimmy, stand on the stage, behind the screen, with Charlie, and we will heal you". FH then says, "lets all pray for C + J and heal their afflictions" after 5 mins he says "Charlie, show your faith, throw a crutch over the screen" he does, he then says "throw the other over", he does, he then says "Jimmy, say something " Jimmy says, "tharlies fawlen ofer!"
The other best one is the "Wit and Repartee" joke, but that is a) too long for this forum and b) for it to work, much too offensive...
A man stands on crutches and hobbles to the front, the faith healer asks, "what is your name son"? the man says "Charlie".
The FH says, "Charlie, do you have faith in god?" Charlie replies, "Yes, I do" FH then says, "Do you wish to be healed?", Charlie replies "yes, I do" the FH then says "Charlie, step on the stage and stand behind the screen, Is there anyone else out there wanting to be healed?" up stands a man who says "By dame is Jimmy an I haf a speech impediment", the FH says "Jimmy, do you wish to be healed"? Jimmy says "yeth I do" FH says "Jimmy, do you have faith in god" Jimmy replies, "yeth, I haff". the FH then says, "Jimmy, stand on the stage, behind the screen, with Charlie, and we will heal you". FH then says, "lets all pray for C + J and heal their afflictions" after 5 mins he says "Charlie, show your faith, throw a crutch over the screen" he does, he then says "throw the other over", he does, he then says "Jimmy, say something " Jimmy says, "tharlies fawlen ofer!"
The other best one is the "Wit and Repartee" joke, but that is a) too long for this forum and b) for it to work, much too offensive...
A Scottish Colonel walks into a drug store and heads for the Pharmacy counter. The Pharmacist approaches him and asks him how he can help him.
The Colonel reaches under his kilt and produces a dripping, sheep skin, which he unfolds on the counter. Out of the sheeps skin he holds up a torn, bloodied, dripping condom.
He asks the pharmacist, "How much to repair?"
The pharmacist says "Gee, I don't know, I've never had anyone ask me before" "Let me see" So he grabs a calculator, punches a few numbers and says to the Colonel, "That'll be $1.75".
The Colonel gasps and says "how much for a new one?"
The pharmacist says "Oh, they're $2.50 each"
The Colonel once again gasps! He begins to re-wrap the used condom in the sheeps skin and exits the store...
only to return a few hours later...
Walks up to the pharmacist and says...
"The Regiment votes repair!"
Fishheadjoe
The Colonel reaches under his kilt and produces a dripping, sheep skin, which he unfolds on the counter. Out of the sheeps skin he holds up a torn, bloodied, dripping condom.
He asks the pharmacist, "How much to repair?"
The pharmacist says "Gee, I don't know, I've never had anyone ask me before" "Let me see" So he grabs a calculator, punches a few numbers and says to the Colonel, "That'll be $1.75".
The Colonel gasps and says "how much for a new one?"
The pharmacist says "Oh, they're $2.50 each"
The Colonel once again gasps! He begins to re-wrap the used condom in the sheeps skin and exits the store...
only to return a few hours later...
Walks up to the pharmacist and says...
"The Regiment votes repair!"
Fishheadjoe
These 3 guys are sitting at a bar when a local hooker comes in and sits down next to them. She tells them that she's had such a great night working, that for 10 bucks, she'll do whatever they want, but they can't use any more than 3 words to tell her. So the first guy thinks hard, gives her $10, whispers in her ear, and they go out back. They come back a little while later and he's got a big smile on his face. Next guy does the same thing, and comes back a little while later grinning from ear to ear. The last guy now has been thinking about this for a while and looks at her, and says: "Anything? For $10 right?" She says yep, so he hands her the bill and just smiles. She says "Well what do you want? Remember, 3 words." The guy looks at her and says "Paint my house."
Extremely old... was even in a movie with Rosie O'Donnell from the 80's.
Time for some new material, sir.
Extremely old... was even in a movie with Rosie O'Donnell from the 80's.
Time for some new material, sir.
Really? That sucks. I heard it for the first time like 3 weeks ago.
Then again I am only 23, so most movies that came out in the 80s are before my years.
Weak argument, sorry.
That'd mean you'd pass on GodFather, Star Wars, etc.
Just giving you a hard time. I'm 10 years older than you, so not that old either.
I'd say I've heard at least 50% of the jokes in this thread before, usually in high-school. And I'd say 80% of them hardly qualify as "jokes."
That'd mean you'd pass on GodFather, Star Wars, etc.
Just giving you a hard time. I'm 10 years older than you, so not that old either.
I'd say I've heard at least 50% of the jokes in this thread before, usually in high-school. And I'd say 80% of them hardly qualify as "jokes."
That means I've seen the good ones, but not random obscure movies with Rosie O'Donnell in them, little different
A woman is lying in bed reading. Her husband bursts through the door with a sheep under his arm. He says, "I thought you'd like to see the pig I screw when you have one of your headaches." She says, "Oh my God, that's disgusting! And that's not even a pig, it's a sheep!" The man says' "I wasn't talking to you."
Billy, the teenage stock boy from the pharmacy, is carrying a crate of condoms from the delivery truck towards the store when he accidentally collides with a little 97-year-old grandmother who's using a walker. Billy drops the carton and the contents scatter all over the parking lot.
He makes sure the tiny frail woman is okay, then frantically starts scooping up the individually-wrapped condoms, embarassed & hoping grandma won't see what they are.
But she does. "Trojans?" she asks, "what are those?"
Nervously Billy stammers, hems & haws, and then finally says "Um...they're...they're cigarette holders!"
"Ooh, I could use some of those" she says. Now completely beet-red, Billy hurredly cleans up the remainder from the ground and runs off.
The old woman eases her walker towards the pharmacy's main entrance, and makes her way towards the front counter. In her soft voice she announces to the clerk "I would like to buy some Trojans."
"You would?!?!" says the incredulous clerk. "Um, what size do you need?"
"Well..." she replies, thinking for a moment, "they would have to be big enough to fit a Camel."
He makes sure the tiny frail woman is okay, then frantically starts scooping up the individually-wrapped condoms, embarassed & hoping grandma won't see what they are.
But she does. "Trojans?" she asks, "what are those?"
Nervously Billy stammers, hems & haws, and then finally says "Um...they're...they're cigarette holders!"
"Ooh, I could use some of those" she says. Now completely beet-red, Billy hurredly cleans up the remainder from the ground and runs off.
The old woman eases her walker towards the pharmacy's main entrance, and makes her way towards the front counter. In her soft voice she announces to the clerk "I would like to buy some Trojans."
"You would?!?!" says the incredulous clerk. "Um, what size do you need?"
"Well..." she replies, thinking for a moment, "they would have to be big enough to fit a Camel."
Three pregnant women in the OBs waiting room all knitting for their baby to be.
One stopped and took a pill.
The other two asked "What was that?"
"Vitamins - I want a healthy baby." The other two smiled and nodded.
They carry on knitting - then the second woman took a pill.
The other two asked "What was that?"
"Iron - I want a big, strong baby." The other two smiled and nodded.
They carry on knitting - then the third woman took a pill.
The other two asked "What was that?"
"Thalidomide - I can't get these f*****g sleeves right!"
One stopped and took a pill.
The other two asked "What was that?"
"Vitamins - I want a healthy baby." The other two smiled and nodded.
They carry on knitting - then the second woman took a pill.
The other two asked "What was that?"
"Iron - I want a big, strong baby." The other two smiled and nodded.
They carry on knitting - then the third woman took a pill.
The other two asked "What was that?"
"Thalidomide - I can't get these f*****g sleeves right!"
Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
So they can look like cherries.
Whats the loudest sound in the jungle.
A monkey trying to eat a cherry.
So they can look like cherries.
Whats the loudest sound in the jungle.
A monkey trying to eat a cherry.
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