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What's the funniest joke you know?

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#523
WickedPissah said:
Chelsea FC.
Click to expand...

kelso_burn.gif
 
#528
Not sure if this one's been told, but here it is anyway...)-(


> >
> >
> > Subject: Fw: redneck & the lawyer
> >
> > > Who's smarter...the redneck or the lawyer?
> >
> > > A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a
> >
> > > long flight.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun
> >
> > > game. The redneck
> >
> > > is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
> >
> > > declines and tries
> >
> > > to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is
> >
> > > a lot of fun.
> >
> > > "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
> >
> > > answer, you pay me
> >
> > > only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the
> >
> > > answer, I will pay you
> >
> > > $500. This catches the redneck's attention and to keep
> >
> > > the lawyer quiet,
> >
> > > agrees to play the game.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
> >
> > > distance from the earth to the
> >
> > > moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in
> >
> > > his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
> >
> > > hands it to the lawyer.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > Now, it's t he redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer,
> >
> > > "What goes up a hill with
> >
> > > three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses
> >
> > > his laptop, searches all
> >
> > > references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and
> >
> > > even the Library of
> >
> > > Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he
> >
> > > knows, all to no
> >
> > > avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
> >
> > > He wakes up the redneck
> >
> > > and hands him $500.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He
> >
> > > wakes the redneck up and
> >
> > > asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs
> >
> > > and comes down with four?"
> >
> > >
> >
> > > The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and
> >
> > > goes back to sleep.
 
#533
bmc said:
After a night of drinking, Ross crept into bed beside Betty who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed, wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Ross, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter."

Ross was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... You've got to send me back straight away."

St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Ross was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

It's not so bad," replies Ross, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Ross.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard Betty shouting,

"Ross, wake up, you drunk IDIOT, you're CRAPPING the bed!!!"
Click to expand...

HAHAHA 2nd time I read this and I laughed out loud again.:D:D:D
 
#539
goes something like this....A child psychologist was doing a study on mothers and their kids..after a few hours of interviews he brought them in a room and began to explain his findings...he turned to the first woman and said "your obsessed with food and that is why you named your kid Candy" then he turned to the second woman and said "your obsessed with money that's why you named your kid Penny" he turned to the third woman and before he could say anything she stood up and grabbed her son by the arm and said "I heard enough..common Dick were leaving!"
 
#540
mvw356 said:
what do you do with 365 used condoms? melt them into a tire and call it 'good year'
Click to expand...

katri said:
I know one similar to this and it's:

What do you call 4 tyres 'good year' what do you call 365 condoms 'great year'
Click to expand...

I'd always heard it as "What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?" "One is a Goodyear. And the other was a GREAT year."

Now go practice and come back when you can tell it right.
 
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