Enjoy the benefits of a premium membership!
Upgrade Account
-
TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
Join free Log in
Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.
What's the funniest joke you know?
- Thread starter soulgeezer
- Start date
- Status
So in other words, you don't know any funny jokes...
I guess you're right...
I never thought of that. 
A lady says to her husband "I had a dream last night...It was christmas time and the tree was decorated with all types of penises. Little ones, big ones, fat ones, and at the top of the tree was the most perfect penis!"
The husband asks "What that mine at the top?"
The woman says "No, yours was hidden behind one of those little lights"
The husband says "Well I had a dream myself last night. It was christmas time as well and this tree was decorated with vaginas of all kinds...little ones, big ones, hairy ones, shaved ones, and at the top of the tree was the most perfect vagina!"
The wife asks "Was that one mine?"
The husband says "No, they were using yours for the tree stand"
The husband asks "What that mine at the top?"
The woman says "No, yours was hidden behind one of those little lights"
The husband says "Well I had a dream myself last night. It was christmas time as well and this tree was decorated with vaginas of all kinds...little ones, big ones, hairy ones, shaved ones, and at the top of the tree was the most perfect vagina!"
The wife asks "Was that one mine?"
The husband says "No, they were using yours for the tree stand"
JOKES FROM GERMANY
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
After a night of drinking, Ross crept into bed beside Betty who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed, wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Ross, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter."
Ross was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... You've got to send me back straight away."
St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Ross was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
It's not so bad," replies Ross, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Ross.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard Betty shouting,
"Ross, wake up, you drunk IDIOT, you're CRAPPING the bed!!!"
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed, wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Ross, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter."
Ross was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... You've got to send me back straight away."
St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Ross was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
It's not so bad," replies Ross, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Ross.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard Betty shouting,
"Ross, wake up, you drunk IDIOT, you're CRAPPING the bed!!!"
A very elderly couple is sitting in the living room.
The wife says "Let's go upstairs and F***!"
The husband says "I don't think I can do both"
The wife says "Let's go upstairs and F***!"
The husband says "I don't think I can do both"
- Jan 29, 2007
- 5,123
- 2
- Disclosures
- Endorsing Artist: Red Zone Effects
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!) The answers are a joke but the questions were really asked. (I haven't found anything to refute this at Snopes.com.)
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's(cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is
that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but youwill have to learn it first.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's(cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is
that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but youwill have to learn it first.
This farmer has three beautiful daughters, and one night, all three of them have dates. So the farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun by his side, waiting to greet each of the dates. The first date comes and says: "Hi, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty, to take her out for spaghetti, is she ready?". So the farmer says "yeah, go on in and wait for her." A few minutes later, the next guy comes and says: "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo, to take her to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer says "yeah, just go inside and wait for her." A few more minutes pass, and the next guy comes and says "Hi, my name's Chuck"...so the farmer shot him.
Have you heard about the Irish gay couple?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
Have you heard about the Irish gay couple?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
A lady says "Doc, kiss me"
The doctor says "Lady, I can't"
The lady says "C'mon doc, kiss me"
The doctor says "Lady, I can't"
The lady says "Please doc! Kiss me!!!"
The doctor says "Look lady, I probably shouldn't even be F****** you"
The doctor says "Lady, I can't"
The lady says "C'mon doc, kiss me"
The doctor says "Lady, I can't"
The lady says "Please doc! Kiss me!!!"
The doctor says "Look lady, I probably shouldn't even be F****** you"
- Status
