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What's the funniest joke you know?

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#101
A woman's car breaks down in the middle of a desert. A native american rides by on his horse and offers to take the woman to the nearest gas station. During the ride, the native american keeps on making noises and seems a bit distracted. Right before they reach the gas station the native lets out a loud howling scream. The workers at the gas station ask the woman what was that all about? The woman responds "I only put my other arm around him and used my other hand to hold on to the front bit of the saddle" a repairman responds "Natives ride bareback..."

A little kid is walking past his parents bedroom while the parents are doing it. The father seems a bit disappointed, because he thinks he will have to stop the whole thing, but then the kid shouts out "yippee, horsie ride". So he hops on to his father back and the parents keep on doing it. The father's breathing starts to become louder, the kid says "Hold on dad, this is the part where the mailman usually falls off".

A truckdriver is happy about getting to spend time with his girlfriend on the upcoming holiday, but he is a bit worried he's "sexual endurance" isn't top notch. So he has read that masturbation will help him build his endurance. He comes up with a plan. He stops his truck by the side of the road, crawls under the truck so that it seems as if he's fixing it, closes his eyes and starts taking care of the business. A cop stops by and asks what's going on, the trucker says "there seems to be some trouble with, eerr, the driveshaft". The cop responds "I think your brakes are the ones malfunctioning, because your truck just rolled down the hill".

I need to get some better jokes.
 
#102
A man says to his doctor "Doc I think I have a sex problem. I can't seem to get an erection with my wife"

The doctor says "Alright I'll examine her. Bring her in"

The next day the man brings his wife in and the doctor says "Alright ma'am please undress"

The woman lies down naked on the table and the doctor walks around several times and pulls the man aside...






The doctor says "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on either""
 
#103
excane said:
A man says to his doctor "Doc I think I have a sex problem. I can't seem to get an erection with my wife"

The doctor says "Alright I'll examine her. Bring her in"

The next day the man brings his wife in and the doctor says "Alright ma'am please undress"

The woman lies down naked on the table and the doctor walks around several times and pulls the man aside...






The doctor says "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on either""
Click to expand...
^^ :D ^^
 
#104
A guy walks into a bar and looks at a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich............$3
Chicken Sandwich...........$5
Handjob........................$25

He asks one of the barmaids "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

She says "Yep"
















He says "Go wash your hands and get me a cheese sandwich"
 
#106
1) a woman approaches a man and says "you smell good, what do you have on"?

The man replies "I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it.

2) did you hear about the blond that fell out of the tree.

She was raking leaves

3) I have a rooster and you have a donkey, If you donkey eats my roosters feet what do you have.

two feet of my **** in your ***. :confused: think of other names for these animal

4) a blond is driving down the road and sees another blond rowing a boat in the middle of a field, furious with what she sees she stops her car and jumps out screaming at the blond in the boat.

"It's blonds like you that give blonds like me a bad name and If I could swim I would come out there and kick your a**
 
#109
Liz Taylor goes into the hospital for some work on her privates – get them cleaned up/tightened up a bit.

She gives explicit orders to her surgeon that nobody can know that she is there or what she’s having done.

She has the surgery and awakens in her room hours later to find a massive bouquet of roses on her bed stand. She frantically buzzes the surgeon.

“I told you no one was to know about me being here!!!” yelled Liz.
“Ms. Taylor, I nor my staff told anyone, I assure you!!!”

“Well then who sent these flowers?” asked Liz angrily.

The doctor goes to the bouquet and sees a card.

“There’s a card. Shall I read it?” the doctor asks.

“Very well…” seethes Liz.

After a few seconds, the doctor turns to Liz and says; “They’re from Timmy in the burn unit. He says ‘Thanks for the new ears’”.
 
#110
The Pope and one of his Bishops are on a long train ride across Europe. To kill time, the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle.

After a few minutes, he asks the Bishop “What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in UNT?”

The Bishop thinks then replies “AUNT”

“Ahhhh!” replies the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
 
#111
bmc said:
JOKES FROM GERMANY

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Click to expand...




teh best
 
#112
A young guy is sitting in a bar having a drink.

An older man walks up to him and yells "I F*** YOUR MOTHER!!"
The younger guy just ignores it and continues with his drink.

A few minutes later the older guy comes over again and yells "YOUR MOTHER S**** MY ****!!!
The younger guy ignores it again and continues with his drink.

Finally the older guy comes over again and yells "I F*** YOUR MOTHER IN HER A**!!!!























The younger guy looks up and says "Dad, you're drunk. Go home."
 
#113
One day, a farmer was out sailing with his dog and his goat. A storm came out of nowhere and washes the 3 of them onto a deserted island. After weeks of being stranded on the island, the farmer started to "miss" his wife really bad. Then he looked over at his goat and it started to look a lot like his wife. After contemplating with himself, he decides to put the moves on the goat. The farmer tried getting close to the goat but everytime he tried something the dog would bark at him. One day when the farmer just couldn't hold it in anymore, a beautiful woman got washed up on shore. The farmer wasted no time in getting to know the beautiful woman. When he finally realized that he had gotten to know the woman well enough he asked the woman "Can I ask you to do me a favor?" The woman replied "Well yes. What is it that you would like me to do for you?" The farmer said "Will you take my dog for a walk?" :D
 
#115
A woman has three daughters, Rose, Daisy, and Concrete Block.

One day Rose said to her mom, "Mom, why did you and dad name me Rose?"

The mother replied "well, on the day you were born, a rose petal floated through the window and landed on your forehead, so we decided to name you Rose."

The next day Daisy came up to her mom and said "mom, why did you and dad name me Daisy?"

"Well Daisy, on the day you were born, a daisy petal came through your window and landed on your forehead and so we decided to name you Daisy."

The next day, concrete block came up to her mom and said "DUHURRRRR!!!"

Yes, that on is pretty bad. You really have to tell it out loud to get the full effect.
 
#117
OK, here's another good one:

Three buddies go on a deer hunting trip. They get to their cabin, but it was already pretty late in the afternoon, so they start drinking. They keep drinking till the wee hours of the morning when two of the guys decide that it's finally time to go to bed. The third guy figures "hey, it's almost morning anyway, I might as well get a head start on these other guys." So, still stone drunk, he puts on his camo, grabs his gun, and heads out.

After a while of walking, the guy gets a STRONG urge to go number 2, so he drops his pants, leans his back against a tree, and starts to do his business. However, he's really, really drunk, so he passes out and falls over.

After a little while, his friends come out to try to bag a deer. They shoot one and proceed to drag it back to camp. On their way back, the see their friend with his pants down, with a fairly large pile of crap nearby. They decide to play a trick on him, so they gutted the deer and left the entrails by their friends legs, on top of the poop.

After they get back to camp, they hear a terrified scream, so the snicker to themselves about what a great prank it was. An hour passes, and their friend still isn't back. Another hour passes, and they start to get worried. After three hours, the see their friend limping back to camp, with a face as white as a sheet.

"Guys, you won't believe this," he said. "I just literally crapped my guts out."

The friends manage to hide their smiles, while their friend continued.

"But by the grace of God and a sharp stick, I got them all back in there!"
 
#118
A farmer has three roosters: a dumb rooster, a smart rooster, and a gay rooster. Every morning the dumb rooster would wake up early and crow "Doodle doodle cock!" The smart roosters would correct the dumb rooster by saying "You dumb rooster, it's cock-a-doodle-doo!" The gay rooster says to both of them, "It's any cock-will-doo!" :D :D :D
 
#119
A guy goes into the woods to go hunting. He sees a bear and fires a shot. He runs over but to his surprise there's no bear.

The bear taps the man on the shoulder and says "Excuse me, did you just shoot at me?"
The man can't believe it. He mutters "Yes I did"

The bear says "Oh yeah, well get on your knees and S*** my C***!"
The man does it.

The next day the man goes back into the woods with a double barrel shotgun and sees the bear. He fires off two rounds, runs over, and there is no bear.

The bear taps the man on the shoulder and says "Did you just shoot at me with a double barrel shotgun?"
The man whispers "Yes"

The bear says "Bend over that log!" The man does as he is ordered and the bear has anal sex with the man.

The next day the man buys an elephant gun, goes back into the woods, sees the bear, fires the gun, runs over, and there is no bear.





The bear taps the man on the shoulder and says "You sure don't come here to hunt, do you?"
 
#120
bmc said:
JOKES FROM GERMANY

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Click to expand...

:hmm: But these are making not sense! How are this funny? :hmm:

Ich verstehe nicht! :rollno:
 
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