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What's the funniest joke you know?

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Now, this is proper German humour! :smug:


An English couple have a child. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in Lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks :hmm: .

The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness :bawl: .

One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, "Mother. This soup is a little tepid."

The German child's mother is astonished :eek: . "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?"

"Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

:D
 
THE RANCH

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about
it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 AM, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.


"Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly.


"Now take off my socks."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


Now take off my bra."


Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.
 
THE RANCH

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about
it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 AM, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.


"Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly.


"Now take off my socks."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


Now take off my bra."


Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.

Awesome. :D :D
 
A guy walks into a pet store and says to the owner "My dog ran away, I need a new dog"

The pet store owner says "Nah, dogs are a pain in the ass. They smell, they make a mess, and they eat too much.
You know what you need?...........this toothless hamster"

The guy asks "Why would I need a toothless hamster?"

The owner says "Pull down your zipper and I'll show you"
The guy pulls down his zipper and the hamster jumps forward and pleasures the guy in the best way he's ever experienced.

Naturally, the guy buys the hamster. He takes it home and puts the hamster down on the kitchen floor. His wife screams and jumps up on a chair.

She yells "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING!!!!!"















The guy says "Nevermind what it is. Teach it how to cook and GET THE F*** OUT!!"
 
Opps, I think I should've posted this in the recipe thread...

1. Chop cabbage into large bowl.
2. Look for green peppers.
3. Drive to store.
4. Choose green peppers.
5. Carry them to cashier.
6. Drive home.
7. Find wallet.
8. Drive to store.
9. Buy green peppers.
10. Drive home.
11. Chop green peppers into bowl.
12. Look for mayonnaise.
13. Drive to store.
14. Buy mayonnaise.
15. Drive home.
16. Mix mayonnaise into bowl.
17. Look for raisins.
18. Drive to store.
19. Buy stupid raisins.
20. Ignore stupid cashier's snickering.
21. Drive home.
22. Mix raisins into bowl.
23. Look for miserable lousy stupid carrots.
24. Drive to stupid lousy store.
25. Buy miserable stupid lousy carrots.
26. Call stupid miserable snickering cashier a Nazi.
27. Crawl to car.
28. Drive home.
29. Chop stupid damned miserable lousy carrots into damned stupid lousy miserable bowl.
30. Look for finger.
31. Look harder for finger.
32. Look everywhere for finger.
33. See cat scurrying away.
34. Follow cat into new neighbor's house, surprising him in middle of drug deal.
35. Dive over sofa to escape gunfire, landing on cat's tail, causing cat to screech and jump up into new neighbor's face and claw his eyes as he's bending over the sofa about to shoot you, enabling you to grab the gun from his hand, enabling you to hold the gun on him until the cops arrive, who then arrest him and drive you and the cat to the hospital where the cat's stomach is pumped and your finger is found and sewn back on good as new.
36. Collect reward of half of neighbor's property from drug auction, then just buy all the delicious coleslaw you want from a nice deli.
 
3 guys go hiking on a mountain in hopes to get the top. On their way to the top they come across a huge drop. It's too far to jumb across and absolutely no other way to get to the other side. By the ledge stood an old man who says to them "I am a wizard and I can help you get across. All you have to do is run as fast as you can and when you get near the ledge call out anything and you will turn into whatever you call out to get to the other side. The first guy smiles and says okay I'll go. He runs as hard as he could to the ledge and shouts out "Eagle!". He turns into an eagle and sores across to the other side. The second was amazed and so he too runs as hard as he could and shouts "Wind!" He turns into wind and breezes over to the other side. The third guy in his excitement runs really really hard and trips on a rock and shouts out "SH!T!"
 
A guy is gambling in Vegas, playing the Roulette table.

A little voice in his head says "Put it all on red 23...red 23". So, he says 'why not?' and does it. And wins large.

Again the voice says "Put it all on black 14...black 14." He does what the voice says and wins large, again.

Now he's stoked! He's up $25, 000!!! This is too easy!

The little voice come on again..."put it all on red 32...red 32" So, he does what the voice says.

The wheel is spun....and lands on black 2.

There is just silence. Then the little voice comes back and sighs "sh*t!"
 
An Italian, a Mexican and a Chinese (btw, it's not a racist joke) that come in a new country, and try to find a job. They finally find a job as workmen.


The first day, boss explain the job for the day:
-Italian guy, you will rake the leaves in heaps. Mexican guy, you will put the heaps of leaves in bags. And Chinese guy, you are in charge of the supplies.

At the end of the day, nothing is done. The boss asks the Italian guy:
-why didn't you your job?
-The Mexican didn't rake the leaves in heaps. And I didn't have bags anyways...
So he asks the Mexican:
-Why didn't you rake the leaves in heaps?
-I didn't have any rake!
So they look for the Chinese guy, who was in charge of the supplies, but he's not there. They search for him, everywhere, but they can't find him.











They finally open a closet door, and the chinese comes out:
-SUPPLIIIIES!!!!
 
Hey hey hey...watch it. :D I loved it!

An Italian, a Mexican and a Chinese (btw, it's not a racist joke) that come in a new country, and try to find a job. They finally find a job as workmen.


The first day, boss explain the job for the day:
-Italian guy, you will rake the leaves in heaps. Mexican guy, you will put the heaps of leaves in bags. And Chinese guy, you are in charge of the supplies.

At the end of the day, nothing is done. The boss asks the Italian guy:
-why didn't you your job?
-The Mexican didn't rake the leaves in heaps. And I didn't have bags anyways...
So he asks the Mexican:
-Why didn't you rake the leaves in heaps?
-I didn't have any rake!
So they look for the Chinese guy, who was in charge of the supplies, but he's not there. They search for him, everywhere, but they can't find him.











They finally open a closet door, and the chinese comes out:
-SUPPLIIIIES!!!!
 
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."
 
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

:D
 
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