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What's the funniest joke you know?

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#484
I haven't read them all, so if this was posted already..apologies in advance


A man walks into his home with a duck under his arm and says -
"This is the pig I've been screwing"
His wife says - " That's not a pig, that's a duck"
The man says - " I wasn't talking to you"


rimshot!
 
#486
Bassic83 said:
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors)
decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced
long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
GM very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the
reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior
management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person
rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a
consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second
opinion. They advised, of course , that too many people were steering the
boat, while not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was
distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing
team was out-sourced to India .
Click to expand...

Living in the Detroit area, This strikes kinda close to home...however, i work for a Japanese company as a labor "rower".
 
#488
Bassic83 said:
The time is around the year 1900, the place, Iowa...

A farmer gets married, and on the way home with his new bride in the wagon, the horse suddenly bucks, jolting the couple.

"That's one..." the farmer mumbles.

"What was that you said?" asked his new wife.

Being a stoic man of few words, the farmer remained silent for a few minutes. Suddenly the horse gets spooked again, and bucks.

"That's two..." the man mumbles, almost under his breath.

The wife starts to ask what he meant by that, but decided to hold her tongue, as her last question went unanswered. Man of few words, after all...

The sun is setting, they are almost halfway home, alone out on the prairie. The horse bucks again.

"That's three..." mumbles the man, as he pulls on the reins, stopping the wagon. He jumps down, reaches behind the buckboard, pulls out his rifle, and shoots the horse in the head. The animal drops in his tracks. The wife, having never seen this before, starts freaking out.

"OH MY! Why did you shoot the horse? Here we are, out in the middle of nowhere, the sun has set, it's getting dark, I'm getting cold, and we're still a good two hours' walk from the farm! What were you thinking?!?!" the panicked wife screamed at her new husband.

Without batting an eye, he calmly looked at her and said,

"That's one..."
Click to expand...


True story: I attended a wedding a number of years ago, and as part of the service -- not a toast at the reception but part of the freakin' service, in the church -- the Best Man got up and told that joke.
 
#491
Depth_Charge said:
I used to use my best joke at the end of a good date.

"I really enjoyed that, thanks for your company! You know I hear it's important to keep a lady laughing on a date and I think I did that" while moving closer to her face/lips). They usually agree. It would be rude not to :)

"But you know what?"
What?
"Whenever I go for the goodnight kiss, they still think I'm joking..."

This usually results in immense laughter, or at the least a "how cute" reference, usually followed by a darn good kiss goodnight.
Click to expand...

"I'm a sensitive guy. I love that moment, that pause, right between the first kiss and the pepper spray."
 
#494
Excane man you have totally hijacked this thread....and its awesome!!!


Q. why does santa have such a big sack?

A. Because he only comes once a year


Q. What do you call two lesbian Pelicans?

A. Sticky Beaks


Q. What do you do if a bird s***s on your windscreen?

A. You don't take her out again


Q. What do you call a midget with a yeast infection?

A. A quarter pounder with cheese


Q. Whats the similarity between Michael Jackson and McDonalds?

A. They both squeeze 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns...


Q. what do you call a Rabbi at the top of a hill?

A. Mountain Dew

;)
 
#497
I don't know any clean ones...wait, maybe I do...

A duck goes into a bar and ask the bartender "Got any Grapes?"
The bartender says "No, we don't have any grapes and we don't serve ducks! So get the hell out!"

The duck leaves and comes back a while later, and goes up to the bartender and ask him "Got any Grapes?"
The bartender says "Dammit, no we don't have any grapes and if you come in here again I'm gonna grab you up and nail your stupid little webbed feet to the wall!"

The duck leaves and comes back a little while later and ask the bartender "Got any nails?"
The bartender says "NO!"



The duck says "Good! Got any grapes?"


har har har har har har har har har har
 
#498
Yiddish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire,the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'
 
#499
Sorry if this was posted before, I haven't read them all yet:

A soldier gets resigned to a post out in the middle of a desert. After a month goes by with nothing to do, he tells the sergeant that this is his first duty that he had to perform so far away from the civilian population and that he hasn't seen a woman in a month and that he's starting to go crazy with desire!

So the sergeant tells the soldier that there is a camel behind the barn that the other soldiers use when they start getting those feelings...

Before the sergeant can finish, the soldier runs off to the barn, sees the camel, finds a step stool and proceeds to have his way with the camel.

Afterwards, he goes and finds the sergeant and tells him, "Boy, at first I had my doubts, but if everyone else here has their way with the camel, I guess I don't feel so bad".

The sergent replies, "Well, usually the other boys just ride the thing into the nearest town".
 
#500
I decided to take my 92 year old grandfather to the mall. as we're in the food court getting lunch, i notice him staring at this kid with a mohawk that is colored every color under the rainbow.

the kid noticed my grandfathers stare, turned to him and said "whats the matter old man? haven't you ever done anything crazy before?"


my grandfather promptly replied "no, actually i got drunk once and f***** a peacock and i was trying to figure out if you were my son."
 
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