Doesnt make sense, how did she get 110 sheep right if she thought the dog was also a sheep? She had to miscount somehow.
Contribution:
How do you make holy water?
You BEAT the hell out of it
^^^
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What's the funniest joke you know?
- Thread starter soulgeezer
- Start date
- Status
^^^
A Priest is walking along a river when he sees a fisherman hauling a huge fish onto shore.
"Wow, that's a big fish!" says the priest.
"Yeah, it's a real big sumb****!" Replies the fisherman.
"Hey! I'm a man of the cloth! Don't talk like that around me!" Says the priest.
"No no, father, that's the name of the fish. It's called a sumb****. Let me make it up to you. You take this fish, cook it for dinner, these things are delicious."
So the priest takes the fish home. He has a meeting with the Cardinal later that day, at which point he shows him the fish.
"Wow, that's a big fish!" Says the Cardinal.
"Yeah, it's a real big sumb****!" Replies the priest.
"SIR! How DARE you use that language! YOU! A man of the cloth!" Shouts the Cardinal.
"No no! Oh I'm so sorry! That's the name of the fish! Let me make it up to you. These fish are supposed to be delicious, here, take it." Replies the priest.
"Thank you." says the Cardinal. "You know, the Pope will be visiting tomorrow and I will be preparing him dinner. Why don't you come along as well? We'll cook this fish for him."
And so, the next night, the Priest, Cardinal, and Pope are sitting around a table when the fish is brought out.
"Wow, what a big fish!" Says the Pope.
"Yes, it's a real big sumb****, isn't it?"
The Pope pauses for a moment, and then says....
"You know.... You mother******* are all right!"
"Wow, that's a big fish!" says the priest.
"Yeah, it's a real big sumb****!" Replies the fisherman.
"Hey! I'm a man of the cloth! Don't talk like that around me!" Says the priest.
"No no, father, that's the name of the fish. It's called a sumb****. Let me make it up to you. You take this fish, cook it for dinner, these things are delicious."
So the priest takes the fish home. He has a meeting with the Cardinal later that day, at which point he shows him the fish.
"Wow, that's a big fish!" Says the Cardinal.
"Yeah, it's a real big sumb****!" Replies the priest.
"SIR! How DARE you use that language! YOU! A man of the cloth!" Shouts the Cardinal.
"No no! Oh I'm so sorry! That's the name of the fish! Let me make it up to you. These fish are supposed to be delicious, here, take it." Replies the priest.
"Thank you." says the Cardinal. "You know, the Pope will be visiting tomorrow and I will be preparing him dinner. Why don't you come along as well? We'll cook this fish for him."
And so, the next night, the Priest, Cardinal, and Pope are sitting around a table when the fish is brought out.
"Wow, what a big fish!" Says the Pope.
"Yes, it's a real big sumb****, isn't it?"
The Pope pauses for a moment, and then says....
"You know.... You mother******* are all right!"
Uh oh...that's not gonna go over so well with our talkbass females......
Oh wait, there are no females here.
Oh wait, there are no females here.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Seamus O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"Why, that little $h*!, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast... and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Seamus O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"Why, that little $h*!, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast... and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A clown and a 4 year old are walking into the woods, late at night. The kid turns to the clown and said, "It's really dark, and there's a lot of strange noises. I've never been this scared before." The clown faces the kid and says "You think you're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone."
I'll give up one:
A well-dressed business man checks into a hotel and asks the clerk "I assume the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
The hotel clerk looks at him a minute and says:
"No sir, we only have regular porn here you sick bastard"
A well-dressed business man checks into a hotel and asks the clerk "I assume the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
The hotel clerk looks at him a minute and says:
"No sir, we only have regular porn here you sick bastard"
here's one that floats around our offices....
A man wishes to buy his wife a valentines day pet that is small and requires little excersise, so upon entering and explaining his needs at a local pet store the shopkeep shows him an Australian pink cockatoo that has mastered the english language....the man is astounded and buys it in a heartbeat...but the bird was disfigured in the Australian bushfires, and as a result has no legs - the only way he can rest on his perch is to hang on with his little penis...
His wife loves it and she puts the perch in their bedroom for their entertainment...
the husband is a travelling sales rep, and is away on buisness 3 days per week. he arrives home one friday night and while hes alone in the bedroom getting changed the cocky starts talking...
"G'day mate - your wife had a visitor today"
The husband asks "oh yeah?...who was he?"
"your missus had some bloke over today who started to kiss her"
the husband suddenly stopped...his brow furrowed....
"and then what did they do?"
"well and then he slid his hands up her skirt..."
"and then what did they do?"
"well and then she pulled of his trowsers and got on her knees"
the husband, clearly seeing red at this point demanded what followed...
"SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?!"
"well mate....that's about the time i fell of my perch..."
A man wishes to buy his wife a valentines day pet that is small and requires little excersise, so upon entering and explaining his needs at a local pet store the shopkeep shows him an Australian pink cockatoo that has mastered the english language....the man is astounded and buys it in a heartbeat...but the bird was disfigured in the Australian bushfires, and as a result has no legs - the only way he can rest on his perch is to hang on with his little penis...
His wife loves it and she puts the perch in their bedroom for their entertainment...
the husband is a travelling sales rep, and is away on buisness 3 days per week. he arrives home one friday night and while hes alone in the bedroom getting changed the cocky starts talking...
"G'day mate - your wife had a visitor today"
The husband asks "oh yeah?...who was he?"
"your missus had some bloke over today who started to kiss her"
the husband suddenly stopped...his brow furrowed....
"and then what did they do?"
"well and then he slid his hands up her skirt..."
"and then what did they do?"
"well and then she pulled of his trowsers and got on her knees"
the husband, clearly seeing red at this point demanded what followed...
"SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?!"
"well mate....that's about the time i fell of my perch..."
There was this family that went to see a talent agent and the agent inquires, "So what do you do?"
The father says "******* ***** *** ********* **** ***** ************ ****** *********** ******** ***** and *********** ******* ******* and then we *********** ****** ******* ******** ******* ** ********* ***** *********."
The agent looks astounded but the father continues, "Next we ******* ******** ************ **** ****** ********* ******** ***** ******** and ********* ******** ******* ******** ******* ********* for about ******** *********** ******* ******* ****** until ********* ******** ******** ***** ."
The agent is about ready to kick the family out of his office, but the father cuts him off with, "************ ******* ********* ***** ******************* ********** ******** ******** ******* all over the ******** ******** ********* ***** ***** * ** ********* and ******** ******** ********* ****** ********* ********."
The agent wiping his brow with a handkerchief asks, "So what do the call your act?"
The father says, "The Aristocrats!"
The father says "******* ***** *** ********* **** ***** ************ ****** *********** ******** ***** and *********** ******* ******* and then we *********** ****** ******* ******** ******* ** ********* ***** *********."
The agent looks astounded but the father continues, "Next we ******* ******** ************ **** ****** ********* ******** ***** ******** and ********* ******** ******* ******** ******* ********* for about ******** *********** ******* ******* ****** until ********* ******** ******** ***** ."
The agent is about ready to kick the family out of his office, but the father cuts him off with, "************ ******* ********* ***** ******************* ********** ******** ******** ******* all over the ******** ******** ********* ***** ***** * ** ********* and ******** ******** ********* ****** ********* ********."
The agent wiping his brow with a handkerchief asks, "So what do the call your act?"
The father says, "The Aristocrats!"
"When Arizona became a state in 1912, the first man it sent to the United States Senate was a loquacious cowboy called Henry Fountain Ashurst. In his first address to the Senate, Mr Ashurst boasted that Arizona was 'poised to become a veritable paradise.' Only two things were needed, he said: 'Water, and lots of good people'. According to legend, a senator from New England responded, 'If the gentleman from Arizona will forgive me, that's all they need in hell.'"
Wanted: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin for elaborate joke. Can you help? Call on 555-1249.
A telemarketer called and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said, "Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday
Wanted: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin for elaborate joke. Can you help? Call on 555-1249.
A telemarketer called and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said, "Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday
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