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What's the funniest joke you know?

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#441
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
some orange and peach trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although
he rarely did that anymore.


One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there
for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which
to bring back some fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end.


One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you Leave!"


The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up
he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Moral: Old men can still think fast.
 
#442
The Captain Pirate always wore a red coat into battle. After a few battles the First Mate asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want the crew to see my blood and get freaked out."

"That's very commendable, sir."

At that moment the lookout in the crowsnest shouted down there were seven Man O' Wars on the horizon. The captain looked very concerned.

"Quick - get my brown pants."
 
#443
gottawalk said:
MY NEXT LIFE

I want to live my next life backwards :

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party,
and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating,
room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.;)
Click to expand...

Though not really a "joke" by far the best one on here.:D
 
#444
This thread's getting so long, I hope this hasn't been in it, yet!

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido .

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor .

"Not a chance", she said . "He won't even take an aspirin" .

"Not a problem", replied the doctor "Give him an "Irish Viagra". it's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee . He won't even taste it .

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress . The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor .

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate . He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your
husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin'
here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
 
#445
A father walks into a bookstore with his three years old son.

The boy has a quarter in one hand.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

An attractive woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar, reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up; puts down the cup; neatly folds the paper and walks over.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of his testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and, then, ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the child's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and, without a word, returns to her coffee and paper.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".
 
#448
just heard this last night on a gilbert godfried special (censored for tb):

3 guys are out hunting, darkness comes and they find a farm house. they ask the farmer to put them up for the night, and he says ok, i have a large bed that you can use but you would have to all sleep in the same bed. they say thats fine. come morning, one of the guys on the end says "boy, i had a dream lastnight that i was gettting a great h**d-j*b!" the guy who slept on the other side of the bed said, "wow! i had the same dream!" Then the guy who slept in the middle says "i had a dream that i was skiing."
 
#450
A panicked hunter calls 911: "OMG I've shot my hunting buddy!"

911 operator: “Sir, try to calm down and tell me what happened”

Hunter: “I thought my buddy was a deer and I shot him, I think he’s dead.”

Operator: “Sir, now listen to me carefully, you need to go make sure he’s dead.”

Hunter: “Okay, just a second….. *BLAM* …. Yup, he’s dead”
 
#451
3 guys, an european, an african and an asian are at the doors of heaven, oviously dead, talking to St. Peter whos decided to give them a second chance the only problem was that they werent allowed to do that thing they liked the most.
So the european guy could never eat pizza again, the asian guy could never ever touch money again and the african guy could never had sex again or else they wouldve back to heaven.

Back on earth the 3 guys are walking on the street, they got to a pizza shop so the european guy goes mad starts eating pizza and *pffff* he dissapeared. The remaining 2 kept walking but suddenly the asian guy saw a coin on the gound he was trying to restrain but couldnt so he leaned to get the coin and *pffff* the african guy dissapeared.

:D
 
#454
excane said:
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill.

"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."

They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.


"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this damn sweater."
Click to expand...


That joke is SO wrong... but I find myself LMAO anyway. :atoz:
 
#455
a guy goes to his doctor for his physical. The nurse brings him to the examining room & says "please remove your clothes the doctor will be right in". A few minutes later the doctor comes in & says "you need to stop masturbating." The patient asks "why?'
The doctor says "because I'm trying to examine you."
 
#456
blameexcane.png
 
#459
An older woman was fumbling with two grocery bags coming out of the store, and a younger man noticed and offered to help her bring the bags to her car...

Upon taking the bags he started to walk slightly ahead and she couldn't help but notice she liked the "view" and got to thinking "impure" thoughts about him and blurted out

"I have an itchy p*****"

"Oh ok, just point it out, ok? Those import cars all look the same to me"
 
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