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What's the funniest joke you know?

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#541
Not quite a joke...


Hunters.jpg
 
#549
I already posted in another thread, but I'll throw it up here.

Little Johnny goes to a brothel and tells the girl at the counter "I want the nastiest girl you have, preferably with AIDS." The lady looks at him confused, then points him to a room. Little Johnny goes to the room and bumps uglies with the prostitute. After they are done and they're getting dressed, the hooker asks him "So, just to satisfy my curiosity, why did you want to get AIDS?" Little Johnny replies:

"Ok, I'm gonna go home and **** my babysitter, then my babysitter will have AIDS.

"Then my babysitter is gonna **** my dad, and my dad will get AIDS.

"Then my dad is gonna **** my mom, and my mom will get AIDS.

"Then my mom is gonna **** the mailman, then the mailman will have AIDS.




"And that's the mother ****** who ran over my turtle."
 
#551
bassman1185 said:
A woman has three daughters, Rose, Daisy, and Concrete Block.

One day Rose said to her mom, "Mom, why did you and dad name me Rose?"

The mother replied "well, on the day you were born, a rose petal floated through the window and landed on your forehead, so we decided to name you Rose."

The next day Daisy came up to her mom and said "mom, why did you and dad name me Daisy?"

"Well Daisy, on the day you were born, a daisy petal came through your window and landed on your forehead and so we decided to name you Daisy."

The next day, concrete block came up to her mom and said "DUHURRRRR!!!"

Yes, that on is pretty bad. You really have to tell it out loud to get the full effect.
Click to expand...

I almost choked myself laughing at this in the canteena.:D:D:D
 
#552
doktorfeelgood said:
Not sure if this one's been told, but here it is anyway...)-(


> >
> >
> > Subject: Fw: redneck & the lawyer
> >
> > > Who's smarter...the redneck or the lawyer?
> >
> > > A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a
> >
> > > long flight.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun
> >
> > > game. The redneck
> >
> > > is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
> >
> > > declines and tries
> >
> > > to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is
> >
> > > a lot of fun.
> >
> > > "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
> >
> > > answer, you pay me
> >
> > > only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the
> >
> > > answer, I will pay you
> >
> > > $500. This catches the redneck's attention and to keep
> >
> > > the lawyer quiet,
> >
> > > agrees to play the game.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
> >
> > > distance from the earth to the
> >
> > > moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in
> >
> > > his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
> >
> > > hands it to the lawyer.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > Now, it's t he redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer,
> >
> > > "What goes up a hill with
> >
> > > three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses
> >
> > > his laptop, searches all
> >
> > > references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and
> >
> > > even the Library of
> >
> > > Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he
> >
> > > knows, all to no
> >
> > > avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
> >
> > > He wakes up the redneck
> >
> > > and hands him $500.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
> >
> > >
> >
> > > The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He
> >
> > > wakes the redneck up and
> >
> > > asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs
> >
> > > and comes down with four?"
> >
> > >
> >
> > > The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and
> >
> > > goes back to sleep.
Click to expand...

machine gewehr said:
I almost choked myself laughing at this in the canteena.:D:D:D
Click to expand...

These are wonderful. I'm rolling.
 
#554
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his butt.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8 ) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shiz out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his butt.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
#555
joeinsprings said:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his butt.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late great J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8 ) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shiz out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his butt.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, YaY God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Click to expand...

Fixed The not a Grace. I'll hold from fixing the other mistakes in this joke.
 
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