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What's the funniest joke you know?

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#581
A Native American talks to a news reporter about his family.
"My name 'One Bull'."
- "Why?"
"Because I have strength of one bull.
My son name 'Two Eagles'."
- "Why?"
"Because he have speed of two eagles.
And my wife name 'Three Horse'."
- "Because she... has the stamina of three horses?"
"No. Wife name 'Three Horse' because wife nag, nag, nag!"
 
#582
Farmer Joe has 3 sons.The seasons are getting worse and can't feed the family enough so he says:"Sons,go out and look for the purple sheep.Do not come back without the purple sheep or I'll shoot you."

They go away.

Time passes,oldest son can't take it any more and goes back home without the purple sheep."Pa,I'm your first,I know I have a special place for you,I have failed you please forgive me."

Farmer Joe grabs the double barrel and shoots his son.

Days go by,middle son goes back home without the purple sheep,farmer Joe shots him too.

Few days later the youngest comes back home without the purple sheep.He thinks "well all my bro's are dead,pa can't do it without me so what the heck." He was wrong,farmer Joe shoots him in the head.
 
#583
A man is riding on a train,enjoying his newspaper.On the front seat there's a lady with a monkey.

The monkey makes a silly sound and jumps on the man's newspaper,tearing a piece of it.Lady apoligizes and man accepts the apology.

Few minutes later,monkey screams and tears the newspaper in half,man says "I'm getting angry lady,take care of your monkey!".Lady apologizes and takes the monkey back.

5 mins later,monkey jumps on the man with a battlecry,tears down the remaining newspaper and scratches the man's face.Quicly man grabs the monkey and throws the monkey out of the window,yelling "MOTHER ******!!!".

Lady starts crying,yelling at the man and pushes the emergency brake button.

She goes to the bushes where the monkey landed,and she finds...































































the purple sheep.
purple-sheep.png
 
#587
A man steps out of his house one day and finds a gorilla ripping the
shingles off of his roof. Not knowing what to do, he makes a few phone
calls. He ends up talking to the zoo and they say they'll send their
gorilla expert right over.

A while later, the gorilla expert from the zoo arrives with a dog, a gun
and a pair of handcuffs.

The man says, "How are you going to catch this gorilla with a dog, a gun
and a pair of handcuffs?"

The gorilla expert says, "I'm gonna go up on the roof and wrestle the
gorilla and throw him over the edge. When he lands on the ground, the
dog will run up and bite him right in his family jewels. When he reaches
down to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on him."

"That's great but what's the gun for?" the mans asks.

"That's in case the gorilla throws me off the roof...you shoot the dog."
 
#590
machine gewehr said:
A man is riding on a train,enjoying his newspaper.On the front seat there's a lady with a monkey.

The monkey makes a silly sound and jumps on the man's newspaper,tearing a piece of it.Lady apoligizes and man accepts the apology.

Few minutes later,monkey screams and tears the newspaper in half,man says "I'm getting angry lady,take care of your monkey!".Lady apologizes and takes the monkey back.

5 mins later,monkey jumps on the man with a battlecry,tears down the remaining newspaper and scratches the man's face.Quicly man grabs the monkey and throws the monkey out of the window,yelling "MOTHER ******!!!".

Lady starts crying,yelling at the man and pushes the emergency brake button.

She goes to the bushes where the monkey landed,and she finds...

the purple sheep.
purple-sheep.png
Click to expand...
When does the humor start?
 
#591
A man and a dog walk into a bar. The man says to the bartender "I'll have beer", the dog pipes up "I'll have a beer too". The bartender says " I get it, you are a ventriloquist". The man replies "no, he's a talking dog". The man and the dog sit and shoot the breeze with the bartender until the man notices he is out of cigarettes and asks the bartender if the cigarette machine works. The bartender says "no but there is store on the corner that sells them. The man gives the dog ten dollars and tells him to go to the store and buy cigarettes and come right back. Off goes the dog. An half hour later the dog is not back and the man begins to worry. An hour later the dog still is not back and he is more worried. The man goes to look for the dog and the bartender closes the bar to help the man (hey it's a talking dog) They canvas the neighborhood and find the dog in an alley bl********ing another dog. The man runs up to the dog and says what's up with this, you have never done this before. The dog looks up at the man and smiles and says "never had ten dollars before".

Enjoy
 
#595
Confucious say: man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.

Confucious say: man who eat jelly beans fart in technicolor.

Confucious say: man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.

Happy now?
 
#598
A southern fellow comes into some money just as his son is old enough to go off to college.
Proud as can be he puts him on the train to school and gives him a few hundred dollars for walking around money, telling the kid not to spend it all the first weekend.
Junior gets to school and sure enough, within the first week he gets into a poker game and loses all the cash.
So he comes up with a great scam. He sends a telegram to the old man telling him that he has been telling his professors about how smart "Ole Blue", his father's favorite hunting dog is and his professors think they can teach him to talk. The problem is that it'll cost $1000. The old man ships the dog up with the money. Well, the kid manages to make the grand last a whole month before he blows it all again. So he sends another telegram telling the old man that Ole Blue is doing so well that the professors want to teach him to read, but it'll cost another $1000. The old man wires the money. Junior keeps sending home reports about how great Blue is doing, until finally when it is almost time to go home at the end of the semester, he gets a letter from the old man telling him how the whole town is going to turn out in the park in front of city hall to hear Ole Blue read from the paper when they get back.
Junior knows he is totally screwed if he doesn't think of something. So the morning they are supposed to go home, he takes the dog into the woods, and sadly, he says, "Blue, if there were any other way... I'm sorry boy" and shoots him dead.
The old man meets him at the train station back home and asks where the dog is.
Junior says, "well Paw, it's like this. We were sitting at the station waiting for the train, and Ole Blue, he puts down his Wall Street Journal and says, 'you know Junior, I've been wondering... while I've been up here with you, your Daddy hasn't had me around to take out for "hunting training" when he wants to slip off to see that red-headed waitress from the truck stop. I wonder what excuse he's been using these last couple of months. Remind me to ask your maw when we get home.'"
The old man grabs his son by the shirt and shakes him in a panic. "Son, you shot that lying son of a *****, didn't you?"
 
#599
A guy is walking across a bridge in New York and he sees a knockout blonde about to jump off into the river. He stops her and asks why she's doing it. She explains that she's tired of people assuming she's stupid and getting no respect. The guy convinces her that what she really needs is a fresh start. He says, "I'm a sailor and my ship sails for Europe tomorrow. I'll smuggle you on board and hide you in the hold. I'll sneak you to the showers at night and bring you food." The blonde isn't totally stupid and asks, "what's in it for you?" He replies, "well, it is a long trip, you're a beautiful woman, in exchange, you can make it a trip I'll always remember, if you know what I mean." The blonde thinks about it and decides it's a fair deal. The sailor smuggles her on board and true to their agreement, he brings her food every night and sneaks her to the showers and in exchange she provides some hot lovin. This goes on every night for two weeks, until the captain finds her during an inspection one day. He says, "what are you doing down here?"
She replies, "one of your crewmen is smuggling me to Europe and screwing me."
The captain says, "he sure is lady. This is the Staten Island ferry!"
 
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