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When does it click in?

I've been playing for, umm, 43 years or so and an still having "aha" and "d'oh" moments, your mileage may vary! :)
Yea, and this is exactly where I am as well. Been playing bass since I was 14 and I'm 55 now. I have a great sense of timing and an internal clock that is right in there with most every drummer I play music with....but there are other musicians that I play with that I get a lot of those "ah-ha's" in there mixed in with a lot of those "d'oh.!!!" notes as well. My goal is to eliminate the d'oh notes.
 
Definitely jam. Go to a blues jam where the folks are playing I, IV, V and force yourself to play in the ensemble, to hold the bottom and move the rhythm. You'll learn a lot by playing I-V on the beat and as you get comfortable, all of those iii, vii and VIs and arpeggios (spelling is not by strong suit) will start fitting in. I studied theory to play with others and have since taken advice from a great jazz bassist who said learn the theory for theory sake and then go play. All that theory allows you to really groove because you will play different and interesting lines without having to think. Your fingers will go there, your mind will hear new runs. Keep studying but play whatever music you can, country, rock, blues, anywhere where folks let you. Sometimes you'll suck. Then BAM, you'll be awesome. Then you'll suck again........
 
Yea, and this is exactly where I am as well. Been playing bass since I was 14 and I'm 55 now. I have a great sense of timing and an internal clock that is right in there with most every drummer I play music with....but there are other musicians that I play with that I get a lot of those "ah-ha's" in there mixed in with a lot of those "d'oh.!!!" notes as well. My goal is to eliminate the d'oh notes.
Hah! Gotcha beat! 55, started at 12! ;) (Of course, I should subtract out all those years I wasn't playing...)
 
Definitely jam. Go to a blues jam where the folks are playing I, IV, V and force yourself to play in the ensemble, to hold the bottom and move the rhythm. You'll learn a lot by playing I-V on the beat and as you get comfortable, all of those iii, vii and VIs and arpeggios (spelling is not by strong suit) will start fitting in. I studied theory to play with others and have since taken advice from a great jazz bassist who said learn the theory for theory sake and then go play. All that theory allows you to really groove because you will play different and interesting lines without having to think. Your fingers will go there, your mind will hear new runs. Keep studying but play whatever music you can, country, rock, blues, anywhere where folks let you. Sometimes you'll suck. Then BAM, you'll be awesome. Then you'll suck again........
Making the connection between the fingers and the sound I want to come out without having to think much about it in between is something that I was always iffy with, but after my recent hiatus and then picking it up again, seems to be coming a lot more naturally - the scales, riffs, positions arpeggios, etc., are starting to "blend together" better in my head (or maybe in my fingers) so that I have more "options" from any given note / fingering. Took long enough - it is nice when that starts happening. I'm finally starting to be closer the bass player I wanted to be (but didn't have the discipline to be) as a teenager. Guess I'm growing up finally. Took long enough! ;)