It's probably because everyone is annoying at some point, so you have to grant some tolerance...but there comes a point where it's gone too far, but people have trouble drawing a line in the sand.
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Why do we put up with bad behavior?
- Thread starter sawzalot
- Start date
It’s like that old Woody Allen quote:
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs.
We put up with the bad behavior because we need the eggs.
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs.
We put up with the bad behavior because we need the eggs.
I have not posted anything related to these dynamic situations but, in my case, I stick around because it’s easier than burning bridges with people who are otherwise my friends.
Believe this, I am at my limit with the BL musically but, he is otherwise, a friend and he does scout gigs and his studio space is free and easy.
Lots of good insight here. Most of it can be compounded with inertia. We put in so much effort to get a band going that we are reluctant to scrap all of that effort and start in a new direction until it becomes totally unbearable.
I'll put up with bad behavior if I'm getting paid adequately. If I'm the one paying, I do not put up with it.
I have a couple of friends who used to play in bands but have now become solo artists because they got fed up of dealing with drama, unreliability, and other assorted bad/poisonous behavior from bandmates.
As others have said, sometimes you need to pluck up the courage to break up (whether it's you leaving or you booting the offending band member). How many band situations have we been in where everyone hemmed and hawed about having to "be the bad guy"? I don't like confrontation (especially with people who can be volatile or unpredictable), but sometimes enough is enough and I gotta put on my big-boy pants, take the heat, and be the bad guy.
And the music industry is pushing solo artists more than bands because that's fewer conflicting personalities to deal with and fewer people to pay.
And, again, anyone in the entertainment biz knows that when dealing with creative types, there is a measure of eccentricity to deal with and some things are let slide that wouldn't fly in other jobs.
As others have said, sometimes you need to pluck up the courage to break up (whether it's you leaving or you booting the offending band member). How many band situations have we been in where everyone hemmed and hawed about having to "be the bad guy"? I don't like confrontation (especially with people who can be volatile or unpredictable), but sometimes enough is enough and I gotta put on my big-boy pants, take the heat, and be the bad guy.
And the music industry is pushing solo artists more than bands because that's fewer conflicting personalities to deal with and fewer people to pay.
And, again, anyone in the entertainment biz knows that when dealing with creative types, there is a measure of eccentricity to deal with and some things are let slide that wouldn't fly in other jobs.
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Maybe it's an age thing
With age, my perception for toxicity has increased while my tolerance has dropped.
The older I get, more life is too short to put up with BS
Also most people don't want to be the one always telling everyone how awful they are
With age, my perception for toxicity has increased while my tolerance has dropped.
The older I get, more life is too short to put up with BS
Also most people don't want to be the one always telling everyone how awful they are
To a one, every great front man is impressed with himself, if he wasn’t, he’d have a hard time being the front man. This makes a lot of them a pain in the butt to deal with.
Often, the lead singer of a big time band will drop his band and go solo. Most think this is so he will get to keep the big money. I think it’s probably because the sidemen are so sick of his attitude that they’d rather pump gas or flip burgers.
Often, the lead singer of a big time band will drop his band and go solo. Most think this is so he will get to keep the big money. I think it’s probably because the sidemen are so sick of his attitude that they’d rather pump gas or flip burgers.
Some accounts on some sites(and social media) are there to ask provocative questions and document responses. Some companies are building models based on behavior on the net. This is a real thing. AI has come a long way. This may or may not apply to all sites and users, obviously, but it's a real thing. Firing the drummer is the correct response.
Sometimes it’s a bird in hand. Sometimes it’s laziness. If opportunities are scarce you may tolerate a lot more than an urban or coastal location.
sadly these days it might be necessary to to clarify our metaphors.
I often wonder if a lot of the posts about bad band situations are just the posters need to vent and they really know what needs to happen without our input. Some may also be due to a lack of confidence and the poster is asking for some clarification and support.
One thing I have learned over the years is that some people are incapable of change, but that most of us don't know how to tell those types from the people who just have a few life problems at the moment, or are poor time managers, or forgetful, or have some mental health issues which are treatable and manageable.
If you're dealing with personalities which seem to have little or no empathy for others, no conscience about standing you up, or are repeatedly being dishonest, who need to be the center of attention and who seem to be manipulative, then you're dealing with people with narcissistic, or sociopathic tendencies. Those people do not and cannot change. They are wired that way.
Sorry, heavy sounding stuff I know, but if more of us were awake to the signs, maybe there wouldn't be so many people dealing with these types in bands, voting for them, having financial dealings with them, or entering into relationships with them. We mostly like to think that everyone can change, but sadly, some people can't and they don't want to.....
One thing I have learned over the years is that some people are incapable of change, but that most of us don't know how to tell those types from the people who just have a few life problems at the moment, or are poor time managers, or forgetful, or have some mental health issues which are treatable and manageable.
If you're dealing with personalities which seem to have little or no empathy for others, no conscience about standing you up, or are repeatedly being dishonest, who need to be the center of attention and who seem to be manipulative, then you're dealing with people with narcissistic, or sociopathic tendencies. Those people do not and cannot change. They are wired that way.
Sorry, heavy sounding stuff I know, but if more of us were awake to the signs, maybe there wouldn't be so many people dealing with these types in bands, voting for them, having financial dealings with them, or entering into relationships with them. We mostly like to think that everyone can change, but sadly, some people can't and they don't want to.....
if their decent players you wanna give them more chances than not and auditioning new players get's old...so you '"put up with it" longer.
Above and beyond the usual Stupid Musician Tricks . . .
. . . Can not get anywhere on time, didn't even listen, much less rehearse new music, too damn loud, and on and on . . .
It REALLY got old being a baby sitter and enabler for power drinkers, nod-off potheads, way too cranky cokers, and hopeless skirt chasers where the used and abused woman was ready to go to WW3 right in front of the bandstand.
I played with too many guys where being a musician was a license to be a sorry-ass individual. A big reason I walked away and never looked back.
. . . Can not get anywhere on time, didn't even listen, much less rehearse new music, too damn loud, and on and on . . .
It REALLY got old being a baby sitter and enabler for power drinkers, nod-off potheads, way too cranky cokers, and hopeless skirt chasers where the used and abused woman was ready to go to WW3 right in front of the bandstand.
I played with too many guys where being a musician was a license to be a sorry-ass individual. A big reason I walked away and never looked back.
.
The reason was because I felt that they really brought something special to the table that was almost impossible to replace.
Something that brought the band attention, positive reputation, that we thought gave us “a shot” at possibly “making it” as an original band.
A metal singer who sounded like Bruce Dickenson, looked like Jim Morrison, who had amazing stage presence and also wrote well, for example.
Those people are hard, if not impossible to find, especially in the middle of nowhere, and especially if you’re grinding away on the originals band path.
And those people, ime, all have a massive cake of bad behaviors, habits and attitudes that make them near impossible to deal with.
So when we found one, we’d put up with their nonsense, because they were basically irreplaceable.
And because we treated them that way, and so did every other band they were in, they generally knew all
about how much power and leverage they had over us, and wielded it.
No more though. It’s one of the reasons I bailed on playing in a band for the longest time. I’m no longer trying to do it for real, and no longer willing to put up with that stuff.
I’ve put up with some truly horrible people, back in the day.
The reason was because I felt that they really brought something special to the table that was almost impossible to replace.
Something that brought the band attention, positive reputation, that we thought gave us “a shot” at possibly “making it” as an original band.
A metal singer who sounded like Bruce Dickenson, looked like Jim Morrison, who had amazing stage presence and also wrote well, for example.
Those people are hard, if not impossible to find, especially in the middle of nowhere, and especially if you’re grinding away on the originals band path.
And those people, ime, all have a massive cake of bad behaviors, habits and attitudes that make them near impossible to deal with.
So when we found one, we’d put up with their nonsense, because they were basically irreplaceable.
And because we treated them that way, and so did every other band they were in, they generally knew all
about how much power and leverage they had over us, and wielded it.
No more though. It’s one of the reasons I bailed on playing in a band for the longest time. I’m no longer trying to do it for real, and no longer willing to put up with that stuff.
A personal rule I devised early in my working life was, the amount of bull poopie I'm capable of putting up with is in direct relation to what I'm getting paid.
I transfered that to my personal life by changing it to, the amount of bull poopie I'm capable of putting up with is in direct relation to what I'm getting out of the situation.
If I'm in a good band with a flaming A hole(s) who is otherwise on time and can carry their own water, I just keep my head down and plow. If I'm trying to work with a two faced lying dip poopie who can't ever be on time or practiced, someone unwilling to own their screw ups, I'm looking for other opportunities.
I transfered that to my personal life by changing it to, the amount of bull poopie I'm capable of putting up with is in direct relation to what I'm getting out of the situation.
If I'm in a good band with a flaming A hole(s) who is otherwise on time and can carry their own water, I just keep my head down and plow. If I'm trying to work with a two faced lying dip poopie who can't ever be on time or practiced, someone unwilling to own their screw ups, I'm looking for other opportunities.
I won’t put up with bad behavior or idiots in a band in anyway. Life's to short to play bad music or play with bad people. Music is my release and it has to be fun first ....it’s not my job. I can’t deal with idiots, if they can’t be cool and share the time we spend making music and act civil then they or I am out.
If someone introduces themself to you that way, they are at least honest and self aware on some level, which makes them less of a jerk that some folks.
