Am I the jerk?

When a project stops being fun
RUN FOREST RUN!
Duke

 

The only way this is justified is if this band is on a definitive upward trajectory where not striking the match now would seriously stifle that momentum. But i highly doubt this is actually the case. All i can say is that if this were me, i could not commit to this project because the effort level sounds really high for little payoff. Also, no way in hell i am driving 4 hours to a charity gig to be paid less than gas money.

 

That scheduling was madness from the get-go.
I don't think I've ever had a rehearsal the week after a big show, and certainly not the day after. Nutso.
( I think you made the right choice on cycling vs band tho - one will carry you into your retirement years, and one - well, probably not... ) but that's me...
I expect you're not the only one balking at the next-day recording, which I'd expect to be a disaster anyway...
Maybe the BL is getting a lot more pushback than he was expecting.
It's easy for me to say, but - Don't stress, do what you have to, family first, and if the BL can't cope, that's probably no longer the project for you anyway. BTDT...

 

BL retired, has too much time on his hands coupled with delusions of grandeur, and is putting unrealistic expectations on people. He needs to find another hobby to fill the time. None of this is on you.

 

OP, reread what you wrote here and tell us why anybody would stick with an outfit like this. $37.50 for eight hours of driving, never mind playing. Your BL must be a hell of a salesman.

 

No, you're not being a jerk. Yes, the scheduling is unrealistic and oppressive. But you and the BL have been together for 9 YEARS. Missing from the post is the part where you sat down with your bandmate of nearly a decade and had a calm discussion about his overzealousness. If you make that effort and get the wrong answer then you'll know for sure who the jerk is.

 

Got it. Sounds like you are passionate about the group in some sense and are definitely not being a jerk for needing some time to handle things in your personal life. I will say that rushing the recording of an album for a show as soon as September seems like a tall order and a bit unrealistic. If this album weren't recorded, what would the real impact be? How would that hinder your big gig?

 

Doesn't sound like you are... just sounds like you are being responsible. I don't like to back out of things either, but short notice/bad planning gets a pass in my book. You can't make it and that's not your fault it's life and you choosing your priorities.

 

You're not being a jerk, but you need to be upfront about your availability. In my band we have a shared google calendar and anyone who needs to be somewhere else on a certain day can black it out and we don't plan anything for that day. You don't have to have a formal calendar, but if you would have told the guys, "hey, there's no way I can do anything on that Sunday" that would have been helpful.

 

One thing I've learned about being in bands is that the aspirations are never even close to reality. If you're splitting $300 among 8 people and traveling you'd be far better off playing for free locally. From what you've written it sounds like you're too far apart with these folks to come to a compromise. And I'll bet you a dollar when your band does this gig, your radius acceptable gigs for no money will now be a four hour drive

 

Seems like you've been honest. That's what counts. If he wants to use another bassist, that's his call, but after showing a commitment to him for 9 years I'd think that he'd be the one that would be more respectful towards your situation. If they opt for someone else and can't accommodate your non band needs, I'd say they're the ones that are being less than respectful.

Be prepared to leave unless you really love playing with them.

 

You're not being a jerk.

The Slack Chat has no context. Perhaps your BL had a moment of self awarness and is re-evaluating how he is operating? This sounds out of character for you, he knows you and may scratch his head and his wife telling him "you need to back off boss man!"

Pickup a telephone...

 

You're not the jerk by any reasonable definition. It was unreasonable to do that Saturday gig in the first place, and followed by an all-day session that was not confirmed? I think you can cancel the recording no problem and he still owes you an apology for putting you and the rest of the band in that position in the first place.

 

The part where you have to drive 4 hours to do a show that you don't even cover gas for (charity or not) would make me quit immediately. Yeah, it's for charity, we are all warm and fuzzy doing these things, but could they possibly find someone more local to do basically a free gig? Plus, by not paying you anything, they must not have much confidence that they are going to raise any money for the charity, making it fishy at best.

Run away. Fast.

 

What's not to love?