Am I the jerk?

[red_rhino]

BL retired, has too much time on his hands coupled with delusions of grandeur, and is putting unrealistic expectations on people. He needs to find another hobby to fill the time. None of this is on you.

Absolutely agree with this assessment. He's being completely self-centered. You should be equally self-centered and do what's best for you. His schedule is completely arbitrary. On the other hand, your schedule is not; it's completely driven by closing dates, inspections, loan funding, move in/out dates, etc.

Important things like selling a home, moving, family life, etc, are priorities over everything else. If those things aren't handled correctly, the negative impact to your life will far exceed anything that happens in a band.

If the BL wants to move ahead with a sub, that tells you where you rank in his priorities. (It's also a message that he believes that you are easily replaceable.) I think you need to be clear about where he ranks in yours. He may not like it, but the reality-check will do you both good.

Question is can I/should I hang on until September for the big show?

Only if it's not at the expense of your home life or happiness. You need to be clear that this is on your terms. Selling a home and moving is stressful. My wife would never forgive me if I prioritized band over that. (Nor should she.)

 

[BobKos]

Here’s the thing about that: The good times you had over the last nine years are forever, frozen in time. Nothing can take the memories away from you. And you will have those good memories whether you keep playing with this BL or shake hands, thank each other for the honour of being bandmates for the last decade, and go your separate ways.

But both those good times and those not-so-good-times are behind you. The question now is, “What is it like today,” and also, “How do things look for tomorrow?” It’s perfectly ok if the answer is, “I’d rather ride, manage my life like sanity matters, and only play music such that I’m enjoying what I do.”

If you sit down and talk to the BL with the attitude that this isn’t about blame or who’s screwing up a good thing, but about whether the next chapter in your musical life includes the BL and whether the next chapter in the BL’s musical life includes you, you ought to be able to arrive at a decision where both people shake hands without rancour.

I work for a company started by three friends. It grew over a decade. One is still involved. One went on a world cruise, and last I heard from him, was diving in the Galapagos. One went to start another company with his brother. They’re all still friends, but they came to a fork in the road where each one had a different idea for what they wanted from the next chapter in their lives.

Make your next chapter a good one.

Best TB post ever! Well done!

 

[DrayMiles]

$300 split 8 ways? That’s ridiculous… Somebody is desperate to play. I need that kind of bread for a jazz gig… Just for me! That is not worth the effort imo.

 

[mrcbass]

Seems like unwritten agreements have changed with your BL's retirement. Now that he doesn't have "real job" constraints, he seems to forget that others may not have the luxury to commit the same amount of time/effort as him.

First, for me: A 4 hour one way drive to a $300 gig split 8 ways? Uhm, no. That doesn't even cover gas for the gig. I would never have agreed to that. Fine, get a sub. I'm not all about the money, but there are limits.

Second: Recording the day after a gig? Just unreasonable. Don't know about you, but I'm physically toast for a day or two after a gig. here's no way you'll get my best work even if I agreed to it.

Sounds like you need to talk with BL and maybe even the band to see if everyone's expectations are still alignable. We're weekend warriors - we need to have time to deal with real world stuff. It's a little unfortunate that you're crazy busy right now when the BL is monopolizing your time, but it's just not reasonable for him to ignore your reality and expect you to be able to jump at will.

I always establish these kinds of parameters before I even join:
I'll give you one day a week for rehearsal/s preferably on the same day/time so I can just block out a timeslot from other activities. Sometime more is needed and I'm flexible so long as I am asked before hand - didn't just expect me to be available on call.

While I'm working, I'm good for ab average of 2 gigs per month. I know sometimes you get a bunch of gigs in a row and there are other times when it's pretty dry and I'm fine with that. I just won't allow the band to monopolize every single weekend right now. Next year after I retire, I'll be much more open to more gigs per year.

If this stuff doesn't align with other members, it's just gong to be a fit for me, regardless of anything else.

Tough to have to consider leaving a 9 year old project, but this doesn't seem like a fit for you under the current condition.

 

[Gregc57]

$300/8? Hell, I'm not getting out of bed for that.
The rest: you guys need what we in NY call a "sit-down".

 

[kalanb]

How about you give the BL a choice: You can do the gig on Saturday or the recording on Sunday?

 

[Bass Man Dan]

The band I've been in for 9 years, once more of a hobby, now more serious, has been an increasingly challenging obligation. BL and I are the only original members, and since BL has retired, he's recruited some better musicians and set some lofty, sometimes unrealistic goals. He's gotten us some great gigs, the new members are inspiring and good people. We're practicing more, longer hours, all good things in theory. But he’s just nonstop.

I sensed this shift earlier in the year and scaled back (all but dropped) my other passion, cycling, (after training all winter for the season) thinking it might be ok to focus more on music for the time being given the situation with the band. One can't do it all. Plus, TBH, the cycling can be restarted again.

Well, life happens. I've had a busy year with my almost adult children, traveling to help them move out of town, solve more complex life problems, etc. Recently we decided to sell our house. So it's been a mad scramble getting that ready. Throughout it all, it’s still been possible to practice and keep up with band obligations.

BL booked a questionable out of town show (4 hour drive, not a great venue, $300 split 8 ways) this coming Saturday. It’s killing me to lose a Saturday for this, but fine, part of the deal with being in a band, we weren’t too busy when booked, plus it’s for charity.

We’ve been talking about recording for 2 months. I get informed yesterday that recording starts the Sunday after this out of town show. All day. I was surprised, and it seems so was the drummer. We had talked about recording “that week” and “on the same days we practice” but never locked down a time. It’s possible, verbally or non-verbally, some loose agreement was made to record that day, but I have no recollection of it. Nonetheless, recording was apparently scheduled without so much as a “Hey – you good with recording all day Sunday after that out of town Saturday show?” I’ve been pretty clear about being maxxed out with the upcoming move, which starts a few days after.

I can’t do it. I can’t lose a whole weekend, with a moving truck coming 3 days after, and declined. Well, recording hinged on getting drums and bass down first, then the rest of the week for others. (It’s not a studio, but BL’s house with a recording engineer.) BL says “he might have to be a d!ck” about this and get a sub or “he might have to be a d!ck” to everyone else and reschedule. That was fine with me - do what's best for the band. Then silence. The band slack is normally chatty, but is now quiet. Who knows what’s being said now offline. Simultaneously, I feel like I’ve let them down, and also this was quite unreasonable. Any thoughts?

Your BL seems a bit much. Nobody is even making gas money off of his gig and he wants all of your free time? Yikes!

 

[31HZ]

BL: "I might have to be a dick about this."

Me: "I understand completely. Just let me know what your plan is, and I'll let you know if I am willing to be a part of it. In the meantime, if I'm still a member of this band then I'd like to be involved in the group chat."

 

[Killing Floor]

If you're really wanting to stick it out just tell your friend he needs to be realistic about everyone and everything and explain to him that you aren't an employee unless you are getting paid. So if you're not an employee you're an equal member (at least) and as such, tell him what exactly he can do with his threat of getting a sub. And tell him how it is going to be, don't let him strengthen his position.
Like I said eariler, $300 for a gig 4 hours away was a super crap deal when I was 17. I can't imagine that now. It was a rip off in the early 80s. If you're gonna try to get ripped off at least raise the ripoff to 2020s scale.

 

[wilberthenry]

My take:
1-Do not give up cycling or other hobbies. Balancing your passions is important. Once your move is settled get back on that bike!
2-Why is having new songs/recordings at this gig so crucial to your band/BL? Do you manage to sell a lot of CD's at your gigs?
3-Bands "getting to the next level" (regional touring for you guys maybe?) is way tougher when members are older and most have full time work commitments and families.
4-A discussion about goals, number of gigs/rehearsals/etc. seems like it needs to happen. Just because I don't block out every day of the week on a shared calendar doesn't mean I'm up for non-gig band stuff every day.

I hope it goes well.

 

[Jeff Hughes]

Is it me or does it seem like every recording project for original music with a band of people over the age of 25 is purely for personal documentation rather than a platform for fame or money?

40 dollars a person on a gig is laughable. How long is the set? Four hours of driving for potentially 45- 60 minutes of playing and 40 dollars pay is a difficult math problem to reconcile. Eight people geez. What do they play? Is this a horn band?

 

[wazzel]

If I read the post correctly you are moving the following Wednesday, correct? If that is indeed the case you should be home packing all weekend, not playing a $37.50 12 hours gig on Saturday and spending all day in the studio on Sunday. You did inform the BL before he booked all this, correct? If so, it is all on him. No reasonable person would expect you to gig the weekend before or after a move. Actually several weekends before and after the move should have been more or less off limits to the band.

 

[superiorpine]

You are in the difficult position of making a business decision inside of an emotional entanglement.

Separate the issues, define your personal priorities, and then talk to the BL and say: I love this band, and the new people. I am committed to the project, though not to the exclusion of my family. Here are the conditions for my continued commitment: A) organized and fair scheduling for everyone, B) gig approval for everyone, C) fill in the blank.

i.e. Keep it simple, state your request based on what works for you and what doesn't, and live with the consequences. Making business decisions based on emotional criteria almost always ends up messy.

Good luck. Here at TB, we will support you.

 

[jthisdell]

How well is anyone going to play in the studio the day after a show four hours away?

I don't understand bands coming from out of town for the small amounts that many venues want to pay these days. One thing for three guys to spilt $150 for a gig five minutes from my house. Quite another to travel four hours each way for less.

I can see putting more time in a project if you can see it going somewhere but this sounds like it is going to eat your life.

 

[DJS]

Is it me or does it seem like every recording project for original music with a band of people over the age of 25 is purely for personal documentation rather than a platform for fame or money?

40 dollars a person on a gig is laughable. How long is the set? Four hours of driving for potentially 45- 60 minutes of playing and 40 dollars pay is a difficult math problem to reconcile. Eight people geez. What do they play? Is this a horn band?

It's 1.5 hours. And yes, we're a ska band. Part of that is being willing to do unusual things to reach an audience. But this seems past the line even for that.

 

[DJS]

You’re not being a jerk, but my recommendation is to get on your bike and ride. I’ve been a cyclist my whole life and I’ve played in bands my whole life. Doing one doesn’t mean you can’t do the other. Unless you’re 20, and it sounds like you and the BL are not, putting 110% of your time into playing in a band is a fools errand.

Nope! Haven't been 20 for a good while. Hello fellow bassist/cyclist! I don't know many. Or any, really. What's your specialty? Mine is being mid pack filler in masters road and CX events.

 

[BlueTalon]

If the BL is talking about getting a sub for the recording, tell him to get a sub for the gig and you'll be happy to do the recording.

 

[Bass Jones]

Here’s the thing about that: The good times you had over the last nine years are forever, frozen in time. Nothing can take the memories away from you. And you will have those good memories whether you keep playing with this BL or shake hands, thank each other for the honour of being bandmates for the last decade, and go your separate ways.

But both those good times and those not-so-good-times are behind you. The question now is, “What is it like today,” and also, “How do things look for tomorrow?” It’s perfectly ok if the answer is, “I’d rather ride, manage my life like sanity matters, and only play music such that I’m enjoying what I do.”

If you sit down and talk to the BL with the attitude that this isn’t about blame or who’s screwing up a good thing, but about whether the next chapter in your musical life includes the BL and whether the next chapter in the BL’s musical life includes you, you ought to be able to arrive at a decision where both people shake hands without rancour.

I work for a company started by three friends. It grew over a decade. One is still involved. One went on a world cruise, and last I heard from him, was diving in the Galapagos. One went to start another company with his brother. They’re all still friends, but they came to a fork in the road where each one had a different idea for what they wanted from the next chapter in their lives.

Make your next chapter a good one.

^^This should be a sticky somewhere, it kind of applies to everything...bands...jobs...relationships you stayed in too long "for the good times."

 

[singlemalt]

Wife and the move, kids and their fledgling flights, and time on the bike, then some down time, and, maybe, crappy band gigs after everything else. If they are close to home. And pay decent money.

Your buddy has a fantasy of his retirement with late life stardom. The band is his RV, sailboat, convertible 'Vette, beach condo, but he wants you guys to pay the bills.

Time to put on the shiny shorts and hit the road.

 

[BlueTalon]

Yeah, that BL seriously needs something else to occupy some of his time. Another hobby or another job. He's projecting his free time on everyone else right now.