• TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
    Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
    Join free Log in
    Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.

Am I the jerk?

#81
The part I don't get is, why is he managing the band if he's retired?
If there is better musicians in the band since he's left, surely the job of organising gigs, rehearsal and recording is up to the band members?
He's just a middle man pushing everyone around to please his ego.
I suggest that if he wishes to continue acting like your boss, then he pays you accordingly, gives you paid sick leave, time accrued leave, maternity leave, at least 12 hours between each shift (meal to be provided if 12 hour down time is reduced).........
Tell him to get a life instead of taking yours.
 
#82
DJS said:
4 hour drive, not a great venue, $300 split 8 ways
Click to expand...

Are you kidding?! That isn't even $50 a player. Will that even cover travel expense? Don't do the gig. Underselling your product like this hurts other musicians who are trying to make money, even if your bandleader is not.
 
#83
I skimmed the comments, so this was probably already brought up. Are you being a jerk? From your perspective, no. I don't know what the bandleader or the rest of the band thinks. You need to have a sit down talk over a beer or at least a phone call to talk things through.
 
#84
arbiterusa said:
OP, reread what you wrote here and tell us why anybody would stick with an outfit like this. $37.50 for eight hours of driving, never mind playing. Your BL must be a hell of a salesman.
Click to expand...
My band won’t travel 4 hours for $300 EACH. When we travel that far, it’s for significantly more than that, per person, plus rooms.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Tampabass, FatBoutedGirls and ELG60
#85
You have to prioritize your life, and sometimes that means cutting loose from something you've invested a lot of time in, such as a band.

Family first, personal health and sanity right there with it. I've had to make similar decisions.
 
#86
You maybe a Jerk...
0_x6Y-uVduUOWmYngr.jpg
 
#88
We've all had things come up that we didn't want to do but knew we should. Do the gig, you know you'll feel better after it's over, plus you'll feel better about yourself for not stiffing the other bandmates. Then sit down with the BL and tell him you're out. Once you make the decision to do it, it will be a load off.
 
#90
Gluvhand said:
BL retired, has too much time on his hands coupled with delusions of grandeur, and is putting unrealistic expectations on people. He needs to find another hobby to fill the time. None of this is on you.
Click to expand...
This is pretty much my take.
Lets be real, with near adult children this is for fun/love… not fame/money.

And cycling done with proper pacing and recovery will keep you ten years younger well into your golden years. I sometimes ride with a 70 year old that looks like a fit 50 year old who can crush most 20 year olds on a mountain bike.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Gluvhand
#91
DJS said:
The band I've been in for 9 years, once more of a hobby, now more serious, has been an increasingly challenging obligation. BL and I are the only original members, and since BL has retired, he's recruited some better musicians and set some lofty, sometimes unrealistic goals. He's gotten us some great gigs, the new members are inspiring and good people. We're practicing more, longer hours, all good things in theory. But he’s just nonstop.

I sensed this shift earlier in the year and scaled back (all but dropped) my other passion, cycling, (after training all winter for the season) thinking it might be ok to focus more on music for the time being given the situation with the band. One can't do it all. Plus, TBH, the cycling can be restarted again.

Well, life happens. I've had a busy year with my almost adult children, traveling to help them move out of town, solve more complex life problems, etc. Recently we decided to sell our house. So it's been a mad scramble getting that ready. Throughout it all, it’s still been possible to practice and keep up with band obligations.

BL booked a questionable out of town show (4 hour drive, not a great venue, $300 split 8 ways) this coming Saturday. It’s killing me to lose a Saturday for this, but fine, part of the deal with being in a band, we weren’t too busy when booked, plus it’s for charity.

We’ve been talking about recording for 2 months. I get informed yesterday that recording starts the Sunday after this out of town show. All day. I was surprised, and it seems so was the drummer. We had talked about recording “that week” and “on the same days we practice” but never locked down a time. It’s possible, verbally or non-verbally, some loose agreement was made to record that day, but I have no recollection of it. Nonetheless, recording was apparently scheduled without so much as a “Hey – you good with recording all day Sunday after that out of town Saturday show?” I’ve been pretty clear about being maxxed out with the upcoming move, which starts a few days after.

I can’t do it. I can’t lose a whole weekend, with a moving truck coming 3 days after, and declined. Well, recording hinged on getting drums and bass down first, then the rest of the week for others. (It’s not a studio, but BL’s house with a recording engineer.) BL says “he might have to be a d!ck” about this and get a sub or “he might have to be a d!ck” to everyone else and reschedule. That was fine with me - do what's best for the band. Then silence. The band slack is normally chatty, but is now quiet. Who knows what’s being said now offline. Simultaneously, I feel like I’ve let them down, and also this was quite unreasonable. Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
You have to state your boundaries. They have to understand your obligations outside of the band. Everyone has them. It's just that yours are now.
 
#92
DJS said:
The band I've been in for 9 years, once more of a hobby, now more serious, has been an increasingly challenging obligation. BL and I are the only original members, and since BL has retired, he's recruited some better musicians and set some lofty, sometimes unrealistic goals. He's gotten us some great gigs, the new members are inspiring and good people. We're practicing more, longer hours, all good things in theory. But he’s just nonstop.

I sensed this shift earlier in the year and scaled back (all but dropped) my other passion, cycling, (after training all winter for the season) thinking it might be ok to focus more on music for the time being given the situation with the band. One can't do it all. Plus, TBH, the cycling can be restarted again.

Well, life happens. I've had a busy year with my almost adult children, traveling to help them move out of town, solve more complex life problems, etc. Recently we decided to sell our house. So it's been a mad scramble getting that ready. Throughout it all, it’s still been possible to practice and keep up with band obligations.

BL booked a questionable out of town show (4 hour drive, not a great venue, $300 split 8 ways) this coming Saturday. It’s killing me to lose a Saturday for this, but fine, part of the deal with being in a band, we weren’t too busy when booked, plus it’s for charity.

We’ve been talking about recording for 2 months. I get informed yesterday that recording starts the Sunday after this out of town show. All day. I was surprised, and it seems so was the drummer. We had talked about recording “that week” and “on the same days we practice” but never locked down a time. It’s possible, verbally or non-verbally, some loose agreement was made to record that day, but I have no recollection of it. Nonetheless, recording was apparently scheduled without so much as a “Hey – you good with recording all day Sunday after that out of town Saturday show?” I’ve been pretty clear about being maxxed out with the upcoming move, which starts a few days after.

I can’t do it. I can’t lose a whole weekend, with a moving truck coming 3 days after, and declined. Well, recording hinged on getting drums and bass down first, then the rest of the week for others. (It’s not a studio, but BL’s house with a recording engineer.) BL says “he might have to be a d!ck” about this and get a sub or “he might have to be a d!ck” to everyone else and reschedule. That was fine with me - do what's best for the band. Then silence. The band slack is normally chatty, but is now quiet. Who knows what’s being said now offline. Simultaneously, I feel like I’ve let them down, and also this was quite unreasonable. Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
That sounds like 3 strikes to me.
 
#93
I'd just whip it out on the table and see whose is bigger. I bet he's your guitar player right? As a bassist our guitars are almost always bigger! What did you think I was talking about? Anyway my non jerk of a fellow bassist I'm sure your friend will be down for a good chat. Congrats on such a long band history!
 
#95
Frunobulax said:
The part I don't get is, why is he managing the band if he's retired?
If there is better musicians in the band since he's left, surely the job of organising gigs, rehearsal and recording is up to the band members?
He's just a middle man pushing everyone around to please his ego.
I suggest that if he wishes to continue acting like your boss, then he pays you accordingly, gives you paid sick leave, time accrued leave, maternity leave, at least 12 hours between each shift (meal to be provided if 12 hour down time is reduced).........
Tell him to get a life instead of taking yours.
Click to expand...
I believe that BL has retired from his day job. Not the band. So he has more time to do less, and has taken it upon himself to go crazy booking the band since "he" has nothing better to do.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Dynacord
#96
I would hope that the entire band has some say in what and when they are to "work", whether 'tis practice, recording, or a gig. Unless, of course you are employed by said BL, and, are paid accordingly. To most of us, this is a hobby that sometimes pays well. Given that it is a hobby, then your family commitments must come first. BL, long time friend or not must understand this. That you have been with him for a long time, he should willingly listen to your requests and suggestions.
 
#97
Freekmagnet said:
You’re not being a jerk, but my recommendation is to get on your bike and ride. I’ve been a cyclist my whole life and I’ve played in bands my whole life. Doing one doesn’t mean you can’t do the other. Unless you’re 20, and it sounds like you and the BL are not, putting 110% of your time into playing in a band is a fools errand.
Click to expand...
————————————
This is REALLY good advice IMO…

Granted, maybe I’m saying that bc I’m a worn down/used up distance runner (67 marathon finishes in 20 years), but exercise is still my primary hobby even though I’ve scaled way back and carved out daily time to practice bass…
———————————-
To the OP-I’m not in a band so ergo maybe I’m not qualified to give you advice, but in your defense that’s a WHOLE LOT of together time with others in the band in my book especially if you are an introvert…

The “Oh by the way we need you for an entire day after we need you for an entire day” thing would have driven me absolutely crazy…(My free time is very limited so I try to plan things accordingly)…

I suppose my only question for you would be-Is it still fun and does it still feel like a band you want to be a part of???…If that many original members retired it probably doesn’t feel like the same band in a lot of ways…

If I were in your situation I would probably do the gig out of kindness/prior commitment agreement, but the all day recording the next day sounds a bit…Much…

To your other point-What exactly is the rush???…I get wanting to get out an album out there, but are the next two following weekends really that impossibly far off to start recording??? (Just saying does there’s probably time on subsequent weekends for that)…

Best of luck to you, but if you’re on here asking if you’re the jerk in this situation, something tells me that means you’re not (even being concerned you might be a jerk or out of line is a sign that you’re not a jerk IMO)…

Would be interested to know how things work out…Good luck!!!

Thanks! \m/
 
  • Like
Reactions: Freekmagnet
#99
DJS said:
The band I've been in for 9 years, once more of a hobby, now more serious, has been an increasingly challenging obligation. BL and I are the only original members, and since BL has retired, he's recruited some better musicians and set some lofty, sometimes unrealistic goals. He's gotten us some great gigs, the new members are inspiring and good people. We're practicing more, longer hours, all good things in theory. But he’s just nonstop.

I sensed this shift earlier in the year and scaled back (all but dropped) my other passion, cycling, (after training all winter for the season) thinking it might be ok to focus more on music for the time being given the situation with the band. One can't do it all. Plus, TBH, the cycling can be restarted again.

Well, life happens. I've had a busy year with my almost adult children, traveling to help them move out of town, solve more complex life problems, etc. Recently we decided to sell our house. So it's been a mad scramble getting that ready. Throughout it all, it’s still been possible to practice and keep up with band obligations.

BL booked a questionable out of town show (4 hour drive, not a great venue, $300 split 8 ways) this coming Saturday. It’s killing me to lose a Saturday for this, but fine, part of the deal with being in a band, we weren’t too busy when booked, plus it’s for charity.

We’ve been talking about recording for 2 months. I get informed yesterday that recording starts the Sunday after this out of town show. All day. I was surprised, and it seems so was the drummer. We had talked about recording “that week” and “on the same days we practice” but never locked down a time. It’s possible, verbally or non-verbally, some loose agreement was made to record that day, but I have no recollection of it. Nonetheless, recording was apparently scheduled without so much as a “Hey – you good with recording all day Sunday after that out of town Saturday show?” I’ve been pretty clear about being maxxed out with the upcoming move, which starts a few days after.

I can’t do it. I can’t lose a whole weekend, with a moving truck coming 3 days after, and declined. Well, recording hinged on getting drums and bass down first, then the rest of the week for others. (It’s not a studio, but BL’s house with a recording engineer.) BL says “he might have to be a d!ck” about this and get a sub or “he might have to be a d!ck” to everyone else and reschedule. That was fine with me - do what's best for the band. Then silence. The band slack is normally chatty, but is now quiet. Who knows what’s being said now offline. Simultaneously, I feel like I’ve let them down, and also this was quite unreasonable. Any thoughts?
Click to expand...


You’re definitely not the jerk. There’s no reason to expect everyone in a band can be available the next weekend to record all day Sunday. He absolutely should have checked with everyone before confirming or booked it farther in advance. My main group is large, 10 people and has started getting more serious. The absolute latest notice we give is the guys on events is 1 month. Anything under is left entirely up to members to deny.

We also have a fairly organized google calendar and all of us mark weekend dates if we’re unavailable to avoid any issues. Everyone is pretty on top of it and it works really well for us.
 
Last edited:
#100
DJS said:
The band I've been in for 9 years, once more of a hobby, now more serious, has been an increasingly challenging obligation. BL and I are the only original members, and since BL has retired, he's recruited some better musicians and set some lofty, sometimes unrealistic goals. He's gotten us some great gigs, the new members are inspiring and good people. We're practicing more, longer hours, all good things in theory. But he’s just nonstop.

I sensed this shift earlier in the year and scaled back (all but dropped) my other passion, cycling, (after training all winter for the season) thinking it might be ok to focus more on music for the time being given the situation with the band. One can't do it all. Plus, TBH, the cycling can be restarted again.

Well, life happens. I've had a busy year with my almost adult children, traveling to help them move out of town, solve more complex life problems, etc. Recently we decided to sell our house. So it's been a mad scramble getting that ready. Throughout it all, it’s still been possible to practice and keep up with band obligations.

BL booked a questionable out of town show (4 hour drive, not a great venue, $300 split 8 ways) this coming Saturday. It’s killing me to lose a Saturday for this, but fine, part of the deal with being in a band, we weren’t too busy when booked, plus it’s for charity.

We’ve been talking about recording for 2 months. I get informed yesterday that recording starts the Sunday after this out of town show. All day. I was surprised, and it seems so was the drummer. We had talked about recording “that week” and “on the same days we practice” but never locked down a time. It’s possible, verbally or non-verbally, some loose agreement was made to record that day, but I have no recollection of it. Nonetheless, recording was apparently scheduled without so much as a “Hey – you good with recording all day Sunday after that out of town Saturday show?” I’ve been pretty clear about being maxxed out with the upcoming move, which starts a few days after.

I can’t do it. I can’t lose a whole weekend, with a moving truck coming 3 days after, and declined. Well, recording hinged on getting drums and bass down first, then the rest of the week for others. (It’s not a studio, but BL’s house with a recording engineer.) BL says “he might have to be a d!ck” about this and get a sub or “he might have to be a d!ck” to everyone else and reschedule. That was fine with me - do what's best for the band. Then silence. The band slack is normally chatty, but is now quiet. Who knows what’s being said now offline. Simultaneously, I feel like I’ve let them down, and also this was quite unreasonable. Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
You are nicer than I would have been!
 

Latest posts

Top Bottom
Back