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Am I the jerk?

#21
I agree with the comments stating that if you have known this guy for 10 years and he is completely oblivious / dispassionate about what is going on in your real life (as opposed to your make believe life of famous band), then screw him. There is NOTHING the band is doing that is more important than your family and home life. Remind the BL it is still a hobby band.

The minute they have to 1099 you for over $50K, they may have some influence on your time. Till then you are in complete control. Do what you need to do in complete confidence that you are doing the right thing.
 
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#22
You’re not being a jerk, but my recommendation is to get on your bike and ride. I’ve been a cyclist my whole life and I’ve played in bands my whole life. Doing one doesn’t mean you can’t do the other. Unless you’re 20, and it sounds like you and the BL are not, putting 110% of your time into playing in a band is a fools errand.
 
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#23
He's got nothing else to do. You do not have the time, nor the obligation to have the same focus.
He's not being fair, nor cognizant that you may have other obligations.
If, after nine years, he can't be civil, or understanding, the bass seat may be more suitable with another retiree who can give all of his time to the BL's project.
Good luck. Tough one. Keep cycling.
 
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#26
First, and aside, yay on using Slack! Clearly the optimal communication choice!​

You put the "he might have to be a dick about this" in quotes. My assumption is that BL pulled some kinda move and said that, and everyone realized simultaneously how far the overton window has moved on this project.

To me, the silence indicates heavily that your bandmates agree with you, at least somewhat.
 
#27
Pretty sure "I might have to be a dick" right back. From my past experiences, this guy has no consideration for others and, won't be long others will be resentful at his milatary-like attitude. Me and him would not be able to get along
 
#28
Communication is non existent from the people sending out those messages about recording times booked and so forth.

That's not ok.

And $300 split 8 ways? I wouldn't even do that if the gig was across the street and I didn't have to show up and bring anything or tear down anything after! 4 hours drive for that? what the hell is wrong with your band? Fund raising??? hrm.... ok maybe, but I mean, seriously, that's pretty extreme.
 
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#29
DJS said:
The band I've been in for 9 years, once more of a hobby, now more serious, has been an increasingly challenging obligation. BL and I are the only original members, and since BL has retired, he's recruited some better musicians and set some lofty, sometimes unrealistic goals. He's gotten us some great gigs, the new members are inspiring and good people. We're practicing more, longer hours, all good things in theory. But he’s just nonstop.

I sensed this shift earlier in the year and scaled back (all but dropped) my other passion, cycling, (after training all winter for the season) thinking it might be ok to focus more on music for the time being given the situation with the band. One can't do it all. Plus, TBH, the cycling can be restarted again.

Well, life happens. I've had a busy year with my almost adult children, traveling to help them move out of town, solve more complex life problems, etc. Recently we decided to sell our house. So it's been a mad scramble getting that ready. Throughout it all, it’s still been possible to practice and keep up with band obligations.

BL booked a questionable out of town show (4 hour drive, not a great venue, $300 split 8 ways) this coming Saturday. It’s killing me to lose a Saturday for this, but fine, part of the deal with being in a band, we weren’t too busy when booked, plus it’s for charity.

We’ve been talking about recording for 2 months. I get informed yesterday that recording starts the Sunday after this out of town show. All day. I was surprised, and it seems so was the drummer. We had talked about recording “that week” and “on the same days we practice” but never locked down a time. It’s possible, verbally or non-verbally, some loose agreement was made to record that day, but I have no recollection of it. Nonetheless, recording was apparently scheduled without so much as a “Hey – you good with recording all day Sunday after that out of town Saturday show?” I’ve been pretty clear about being maxxed out with the upcoming move, which starts a few days after.

I can’t do it. I can’t lose a whole weekend, with a moving truck coming 3 days after, and declined. Well, recording hinged on getting drums and bass down first, then the rest of the week for others. (It’s not a studio, but BL’s house with a recording engineer.) BL says “he might have to be a d!ck” about this and get a sub or “he might have to be a d!ck” to everyone else and reschedule. That was fine with me - do what's best for the band. Then silence. The band slack is normally chatty, but is now quiet. Who knows what’s being said now offline. Simultaneously, I feel like I’ve let them down, and also this was quite unreasonable. Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
You have your priorities. And it's not like you're ditching this surprise recording session so you could watch a football game or play video games all day, you have serious life events to manage. If BL can't respect that, he's the jerk.
 
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#30
no matter what type of recording you are doing, that stuff needs to be worked out way in advance, 100% clear to all parties. If he ain't paying you for recording, then just tell him you can't do it. Tell him you are willing to put a date on the calendar once everyone agrees on a date, which should be worked out at rehearsal once all members agree it is time to record. If he gets a sub, do you really care ? Is it all insane original music that you have been pining over for the past 6 months ?
You are not the jerk.
 
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#31
DJS said:
Sentimental reasons, I guess.
Click to expand...

Here’s the thing about that: The good times you had over the last nine years are forever, frozen in time. Nothing can take the memories away from you. And you will have those good memories whether you keep playing with this BL or shake hands, thank each other for the honour of being bandmates for the last decade, and go your separate ways.

But both those good times and those not-so-good-times are behind you. The question now is, “What is it like today,” and also, “How do things look for tomorrow?” It’s perfectly ok if the answer is, “I’d rather ride, manage my life like sanity matters, and only play music such that I’m enjoying what I do.”

If you sit down and talk to the BL with the attitude that this isn’t about blame or who’s screwing up a good thing, but about whether the next chapter in your musical life includes the BL and whether the next chapter in the BL’s musical life includes you, you ought to be able to arrive at a decision where both people shake hands without rancour.

I work for a company started by three friends. It grew over a decade. One is still involved. One went on a world cruise, and last I heard from him, was diving in the Galapagos. One went to start another company with his brother. They’re all still friends, but they came to a fork in the road where each one had a different idea for what they wanted from the next chapter in their lives.

Make your next chapter a good one.
 
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#32
You're not being a jerk. You are just being honest. It sounds like you already know the answer...something to the effect of "I'm passionate about this band, but I simply can't oblige this latest development *right now*. If you need to use a sub, no worries, but I still consider myself a member of the band." And, by all means, sit down and talk to your friend so there is no misunderstanding or hard feelings. Just be prepared that unexpected consequences may be triggered that are beyond your control.
 
#33
I've posted about this band and older post before and have always talked myself into staying. Maybe it's just not right. Question is can I/should I hang on until September for the big show? There are good people not involved in these problems potentially screwed over if I don't, but my enthusiasm is waning. I'm also tired and run down mentally because of everything. Maybe a poor time for such a decision.
 
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#34
DJS said:
The band I've been in for 9 years, once more of a hobby, now more serious, has been an increasingly challenging obligation. BL and I are the only original members, and since BL has retired, he's recruited some better musicians and set some lofty, sometimes unrealistic goals. He's gotten us some great gigs, the new members are inspiring and good people. We're practicing more, longer hours, all good things in theory. But he’s just nonstop.

I sensed this shift earlier in the year and scaled back (all but dropped) my other passion, cycling, (after training all winter for the season) thinking it might be ok to focus more on music for the time being given the situation with the band. One can't do it all. Plus, TBH, the cycling can be restarted again.

Well, life happens. I've had a busy year with my almost adult children, traveling to help them move out of town, solve more complex life problems, etc. Recently we decided to sell our house. So it's been a mad scramble getting that ready. Throughout it all, it’s still been possible to practice and keep up with band obligations.

BL booked a questionable out of town show (4 hour drive, not a great venue, $300 split 8 ways) this coming Saturday. It’s killing me to lose a Saturday for this, but fine, part of the deal with being in a band, we weren’t too busy when booked, plus it’s for charity.

We’ve been talking about recording for 2 months. I get informed yesterday that recording starts the Sunday after this out of town show. All day. I was surprised, and it seems so was the drummer. We had talked about recording “that week” and “on the same days we practice” but never locked down a time. It’s possible, verbally or non-verbally, some loose agreement was made to record that day, but I have no recollection of it. Nonetheless, recording was apparently scheduled without so much as a “Hey – you good with recording all day Sunday after that out of town Saturday show?” I’ve been pretty clear about being maxxed out with the upcoming move, which starts a few days after.

I can’t do it. I can’t lose a whole weekend, with a moving truck coming 3 days after, and declined. Well, recording hinged on getting drums and bass down first, then the rest of the week for others. (It’s not a studio, but BL’s house with a recording engineer.) BL says “he might have to be a d!ck” about this and get a sub or “he might have to be a d!ck” to everyone else and reschedule. That was fine with me - do what's best for the band. Then silence. The band slack is normally chatty, but is now quiet. Who knows what’s being said now offline. Simultaneously, I feel like I’ve let them down, and also this was quite unreasonable. Any thoughts?
Click to expand...

Good communication is a must for a good leader. Communication is not so much what is said, but what is understood. The failure here is the BL did not confirm your availability, assumed you’d be available on a Sunday, and or relied on a 3rd party saying you knew about it and were planning to attend. As for him being a d*ck to you or the rest of the band is a poor cover up for his failure to communicate.

Your not completely off the hook either. In fairness, you did not confirm your unavailability prior to this weekend session, something that you had known for some time apparently.

The band I was in in Richmond had a band calendar(google calendar) complete with block out dates. As soon as something came up in for life where you were not available, you blocked off the time. For the BL, when planning dates he has the information and can plan accordingly. A text or email to the BL to confirm is always a good idea.

In my opinion, this fiasco is on this BL, but you have to understand you need to help him out. Call the BL, get together with him soon, and work out communication expectations.
 
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#36
September is not that far off. Maybe one last gig is a good way to go out and end it on a high note, with no regrets?

I learned the hard way about staying in a band too long. When you start dreading the rehearsals and gigs, you know it's probably time to bail. I wish I had bowed out gracefully. Instead, it got ugly at a gig and I abruptly quit the next day. Lots of drama and really hard feelings. And for what...for a guy who was nothing but condescending and disrespectful toward me? Life's too short.
 
#38
Seanto said:
The only way this is justified is if this band is on a definitive upward trajectory where not striking the match now would seriously stifle that momentum. But i highly doubt this is actually the case. All i can say is that if this were me, i could not commit to this project because the effort level sounds really high for little payoff. Also, no way in hell i am driving 4 hours to a charity gig to be paid less than gas money.
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Yeah, Why do yall need a recording? My last band kept threatening to get into the studio! for no good reason then to get that experience! May be to get the drummer to sharpen his playing. It just kept getting mentioned! and asked if I was cool with it, & Money to be spent, But nothing ever transpired! "we gotta record a demo!" okaaay...., I think singer wanted the engineer or producer tell us the drummer has to go! some validation, that I couldve told him! just bunch of threats & no tape! Drummer never got any better.
 
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#39
DJS said:
One of the reasons for rushing drums and bass, is a lot of the band is on vacation that following week.
Click to expand...
If vacation is a reasonable excuse, moving certainly is as well. If it's not your day job, certain priorities have to come first and major life events are one of those priorities. I don't think you're being unreasonable here.
 
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