Another Band/Wife drama thread/vent

[mward69]

Ok, Here we go again...Me-42 yrs old, cover band starting back up after we took several months off after a few yrs of going strong.
Wife, USED to love my playing out when we got together, even was the one to push me into joining this cover band and bought me my 1st 5 string because of all the down tuning crap.
US - Married 6 yrs, together 7. Our last run as a cover band got ugly at the end, there was a group of women that LOVED to stir **** up, If me, or our singer hugged some random girl or was talking to them {Us just saying thx, blah blah} It would get back to our wives that we are F*ing them and so on....created a BUNCH of drama, NONE that were true.

This go around, it's the same band, but we added the guitar players lil hottie G-friend. She's 26, can sing her ass off. It's opened many new doors for us as far as versatility. The Wife is on the "The band or me" kick now.

I explained to her, this is MY thing, it's important to me and I get PAID for doing this. She's tripping over the "Bar drama" BS...I tried explaining that I do my thing, we take a break, I thank everyone/mingle for a min. then I sit down, have a beer and talk with band.....I am SERIOUSLY a the point of telling her it's time to take a break from this damned marriage!!
Her reply is "it's time I grew up" and "too old to play rockstar"
Typical BS....ugh!! I do this cover thing because it's FUN, and I get a little side money from it. I still work a normal job and pay my damn bills. *** is the prob.?!!!!

Vent over.....

 

[collins81]

Have you given your wife a reason to question your fidelity before? Hopefully it isn't past the point of being able to sit and talk about the situation and to come to a conclusion. Best of luck bro.

It is hard. My wife hates the guitarist that i was playing with. To the point of pulling that kind of attitude. We talked it out and was able to come to an agreement of sorts. I didn't quit the band, but I havn't made any effort to do more than show up, play and get paid. He hasn't booked any gigs for the trio(I doubt by his choice) and I havn't asked.

 

[OriginalSnub]

Pure speculation: maybe she feels like the band gets more of your attention than she does. Could also be a smoke screen for some other issue.

Then again it could all be about the bar drama.

Either way good luck and try to keep a clear head when discussing it with your wife.

 

[bassinplace]

I heard a quote from Tommy Tedesco when he and his wife were having the same conversation. He said to her, "Honey, you have legs, the guitar doesn't."

 

[jimc]

Well it seems there's more trust issues here than band issues. You might want to suggest you and your wife visit a couples counselor to talk this through.

I was dead set against this idea when my wife and I were having some problems but it actually helped us a lot and we've been doing pretty good since then.

 

[vbchaos]

Did you ask her, why exactly she thinks that she must be worried?
When reading your text, I see a lot of frustration on 2 sides. This is NO situation to get angry or frustrated! Believe me, you will only find a solution is 2 ways: getting divorced or stick the heads together and grow from it.
A good start would be to ask her what she worries about, what her opinion is. She is worrying about something, and as far as I read, you talk about doing YOUR thing. Does she have an own thing?? Running a band does cost time and money - more than one would think. Seriously - sit next to each other and write on a peace of paper your opinion of how often/how many hours you are busy with playing bass (at home and/or with the band). You will be suprised how much your numbers will differ And thats exactly it, you both feel differently about it. Talking about it, without any angryness, is the key - I do not think she wants to take off your music from you, but I guess she feels a bit divided from you... Let her understand why this is important for you - and let her know that it is no thret

You are supposed to be a team - and there is no I in team!

 

[mward69]

Pure speculation: maybe she feels like the band gets more of your attention than she does. Could also be a smoke screen for some other issue.

Then again it could all be about the bar drama.

Either way good luck and try to keep a clear head when discussing it with your wife.

I have NOT cheated on her EVER...but when she hears this BS from what we have labeled the "drama queens" She does start to question it. And YES, she has said that I put more time into the band, or taking away from "our weekends" which is BS...we don't do anything NOW...lol we watch movies and chill on the couch...

 

[mward69]

Did you ask her, why exactly she thinks that she must be worried?
When reading your text, I see a lot of frustration on 2 sides. This is NO situation to get angry or frustrated! Believe me, you will only find a solution is 2 ways: getting divorced or stick the heads together and grow from it.
A good start would be to ask her what she worries about, what her opinion is. She is worrying about something, and as far as I read, you talk about doing YOUR thing. Does she have an own thing?? Running a band does cost time and money - more than one would think. Seriously - sit next to each other and write on a peace of paper your opinion of how often/how many hours you are busy with playing bass (at home and/or with the band). You will be suprised how much your numbers will differ And thats exactly it, you both feel differently about it. Talking about it, without any angryness, is the key - I do not think she wants to take off your music from you, but I guess she feels a bit divided from you... Let her understand why this is important for you - and let her know that it is no thret

You are supposed to be a team - and there is no I in team!

NO, but there IS an M and an E t.E.a.M = ME {joke}

 

[Skarekrough]

I have NOT cheated on her EVER...but when she hears this BS from what we have labeled the "drama queens" She does start to question it. And YES, she has said that I put more time into the band, or taking away from "our weekends" which is BS...we don't do anything NOW...lol we watch movies and chill on the couch...

The drama queens are never short on talk.

She either needs to learn to take it all with a grain of salt or you need to find a way of eliminating the drama queens.

And never sell short a nice weekend of watching movies on the couch. The Missus and I have two young kids and that's a luxury for us.

 

[mward69]

The drama queens are never short on talk.

She either needs to learn to take it all with a grain of salt or you need to find a way of eliminating the drama queens.

And never sell short a nice weekend of watching movies on the couch. The Missus and I have two young kids and that's a luxury for us.

Oh I know the "bar drama" is kinda a normal thing, I just roll my eyes at it, Wife takes the crap seriously, or let's it get under her skin for whatever reason. This group of women freq. a bar we play at once a month, it's a local bar and we all kind of know each other.
As far as the movie/couch chill thing. I am fine with it, but her comment about taking time away from "us" doesn't make since to me....as in we don't "go out" We have all day Sat. up to about 7pm, all day Sun. and Sun. eve. We are kid free twice a month.

 

[vbchaos]

Never lose humor In addition, it's your 7th year - get over it, this year sucks big time! It's getting better afterwards

Seriously - It's all about understanding each other! In your opinion, things are BS, but she has an issue here - figure out what's wrong! What I read from your postings, this is something you two did not have for a longer time.
Seriously - go to a bar, find a table in a corner and talk. If you want, use A BIT of alcohol to let the words flow a bit better, and talk. About everything! The weather, the band, the diner tonight, that bar accident of course, I don't care - but understand each other and have a good time together. This is something that does not work at home (unless you have a bar ) - you need a neutral place for that...

Having a relationship sometimes means to do what you do not want to - just to find out that what you did eventually was the best thing to do!

Succes man! Go for it!!!

 

[OriginalSnub]

I have NOT cheated on her EVER...but when she hears this BS from what we have labeled the "drama queens" She does start to question it. And YES, she has said that I put more time into the band, or taking away from "our weekends" which is BS...we don't do anything NOW...lol we watch movies and chill on the couch...

Could try setting aside a night to go out just the two of you and see if that helps. I know my wife and I get along better when we get out of the house on occasion. I would also consider Jim's advice as there are definitely times when seeing a professional is the best way to go.

Is there any way to remove the "drama queens" from the equation?

And why is it that it seems the guys who do sleep around have less problems with this stuff?

 

[bluewine]

Pure speculation: maybe she feels like the band gets more of your attention than she does. Could also be a smoke screen for some other issue.

Then again it could all be about the bar drama.

Either way good luck and try to keep a clear head when discussing it with your wife.

Good point, many guys get back into this business for the wrong reasons.

 

[evanoverdrive]

Any women that would demand her husband quit the thing that he really loves to do is being selfish in my opinion.She needs to suck it up and deal with her own issues.Talk to her about it and if she doesnt see your point, do it anyway.If she leave over you playing in a band, you got out in the nick of time in my opinion.

 

[mward69]

Good point, many guys get back into this business for the wrong reasons.

We're getting back together because we had a GREAT thing going. We played out 3-4 times a month {pretty much every weekend}
But we also added a female singer to mix it up, This will open MANY more doors for us. We haven't played out since March of last yr. So the wife has had me every weekend to herself. I am Starting to see a bit of jealousy from her with this, as well as me butting heads/getting an attitude because I am DEAD SET on this. {holding my ground}

It's the "she knew I did this when we got together" type attitude. She doesn't have any hobbies of her own...I have told her to find one, if she doesn't..I can't help her. But I have gotten to the point of my life that I will not let anyone tell me I CAN'T do what I love doing {music} I could see it if I was doing drugs, or something harmful....I feel like any supporting spouse would BACK the other when it comes to their passion.
The ONLY thing it's going to do is take weekend nights away for a few hours, and take a few hours away for practice, which we do about once/twice a month to learn new material. Even that is rare. We have over 100 songs under our belt...we just practice to stay tight.

 

[john_g]

Does she come along to gigs? My wife rarely comes to gigs but thats because she is at home with our two young kids. If we didnt, I would have her there every gig. Maybe if its possible, have her come to the gigs so she can see how it goes and maybe get some trust build back up?

 

[MatticusMania]

Ok, Here we go again...Me-42 yrs old, cover band starting back up after we took several months off after a few yrs of going strong.
Wife, USED to love my playing out when we got together, even was the one to push me into joining this cover band and bought me my 1st 5 string because of all the down tuning crap.
US - Married 6 yrs, together 7. Our last run as a cover band got ugly at the end, there was a group of women that LOVED to stir **** up, If me, or our singer hugged some random girl or was talking to them {Us just saying thx, blah blah} It would get back to our wives that we are F*ing them and so on....created a BUNCH of drama, NONE that were true.

This go around, it's the same band, but we added the guitar players lil hottie G-friend. She's 26, can sing her ass off. It's opened many new doors for us as far as versatility. The Wife is on the "The band or me" kick now.

I explained to her, this is MY thing, it's important to me and I get PAID for doing this. She's tripping over the "Bar drama" BS...I tried explaining that I do my thing, we take a break, I thank everyone/mingle for a min. then I sit down, have a beer and talk with band.....I am SERIOUSLY a the point of telling her it's time to take a break from this damned marriage!!
Her reply is "it's time I grew up" and "too old to play rockstar"
Typical BS....ugh!! I do this cover thing because it's FUN, and I get a little side money from it. I still work a normal job and pay my damn bills. *** is the prob.?!!!!

Vent over.....

You already know what the problem is... its the word of mouth (even if its BS) talk being stirred up by a particular group of women. Even though she may know its all BS, the simple fact that people are talking and rumors are making their way back to her is making her insecure.

Or maybe its the new hottie chick singer. Honestly, you shouldnt be referring to your singer/band members gf that way.

The simplest solution is to have her go to all your gigs.

Does she come along to gigs? My wife rarely comes to gigs but thats because she is at home with our two young kids. If we didnt, I would have her there every gig. Maybe if its possible, have her come to the gigs so she can see how it goes and maybe get some trust build back up?

My comes to all of my gigs, and when she was in a coverband I went to all of hers, so long as we werent booked on the same night. It turns those "Ive got a gig tonight" nights into something for the both of us.

 

[BobWestbrook]

Or maybe, just maybe, it's time you grew up and stopped playing rockstar?

 

[mward69]

You already know what the problem is... its the word of mouth (even if its BS) talk being stirred up by a particular group of women. Even though she may know its all BS, the simple fact that people are talking and rumors are making their way back to her is making her insecure.

Or maybe its the new hottie chick singer. Honestly, you shouldnt be referring to your singer/band members gf that way.

The simplest solution is to have her go to all your gigs.



My comes to all of my gigs, and when she was in a coverband I went to all of hers, so long as we werent booked on the same night. It turns those "Ive got a gig tonight" nights into something for the both of us.

Lol, referring to the guitar player G-friend is an inside joke with all of us, He {guitar} was the one that started the whole "we have a hottie" in the band to attract more peeps.
Wife used to come to the gigs. She isn't real fond of our male singer for one, she also says she is over the bar scene {which I understand}

 

[dtripoli]

Wow. I didn't know there were so many Family/Marriage counselors on TalkBass. I always wondered what y'all did for day jobs.
All joking aside, my wife put it succinctly; bass players are hot, end of story. It is what attracted her to me.
Logic would dictate that other girls would feel the same and thus it is only normal and valid for her to be jealous at times.
Of course, this is a two way street. She is a lead vocalist and trust me, there are a whole lot more guys eying her and clamoring to talk to her than there are babes wishing to get my attention, which is usually: 0.
As for "growing up and casting aside dreams of Rock stardom",
yes, it is time to grow up and become professional and accomplished as a musician.