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Another Band/Wife drama thread/vent

#41
Marley's Ghost said:
1) No pics - no hottie singer! :p

Seriously, tell us about your wife's childhood. Were her parents divorced or separated for any reason when she was young? Was she abused emotionally or physically? Does she seem to hate you one minute, and adore you the next? Have trouble coping when you are not around? if bells are ringing, then go the link below for answers.

Invalid Link Removed


Because if it's BPD throw all logic out the window and get a good lawyer. A woman can have latent BPD for years until a life changing event (marriage, kids) triggers it. If you are wondering how that sweet chick you married turned into a jealous raging monster, this could be the answer. Irrational fear of abandonment is the hallmark, and childhood abuse/abandonment is the foundation. :atoz:
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Jesus Christ, pal. You turned a marital dispute into a mental disorder?????????
 
#42
bassinplace said:
Armchair medical diagnosis from an online forum is ill advised, me thinks. She's a woman. Being that you're a man, you'll never understand her. If you're happy, best to just accept it. If not, then that's the time to do some soul searching.
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There was no attempt at any kind of diagnosis. That should be done by a qualified mental health practitioner, bust most likely wont happen. I am simply information sharing what should be common knowledge, but unfortunately is not. :rollno: About 9 million Americans suffer from BPD, and 80% are women. It's time to bring it out of the darkness and into the light. Just dismissing it as being a "woman" thing is demeaning to the majority of healthy well adjusted women out there.

mward, if you give in to her on this, it's a painful descent downhill to losing yourself. Stand your ground, be honorable, and either she will come around or you will have to part ways. It's really that simple. Irrational controlling behavior is terrorism. Stand up to it.
 
#44
MatticusMania said:
You already know what the problem is... its the word of mouth (even if its BS) talk being stirred up by a particular group of women. Even though she may know its all BS, the simple fact that people are talking and rumors are making their way back to her is making her insecure. <snip>
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No. No one can make anyone insecure: that requires the active permission of the person 'made' insecure. Maybe it's not the OP 'rockstar' who needs to do the growing up in that household.

OP, MY OWN opinion is that sometimes the bad ends up outweighing the good. And that this area is not good.

Time to talk. Dunno I'd go with the bar recommendation; too public for me. Hotel room or cabin would work better.

Maybe it's just this one area (hopefully), or maybe this is just the thin end of the wedge. Give and take is a requirement in a relationship, but that's give AND take, & it's a two-way street for both parties.

Good luck to you both. And apologies if I've 'projected' too much of my own situations onto yours.
 
#45
Marley's Ghost said:
There was no attempt at any kind of diagnosis. That should be done by a qualified mental health practitioner, bust most likely wont happen. I am simply information sharing what should be common knowledge, but unfortunately is not. :rollno: About 9 million Americans suffer from BPD, and 80% are women. It's time to bring it out of the darkness and into the light. Just dismissing it as being a "woman" thing is demeaning to the majority of healthy well adjusted women out there.

mward, if you give in to her on this, it's a painful descent downhill to losing yourself. Stand your ground, be honorable, and either she will come around or you will have to part ways. It's really that simple. Irrational controlling behavior is terrorism. Stand up to it.
Click to expand...

You don't have to be certifiable to be jealous. Everyone's got their foibles. You can either accept them, find a way to work with them or bail. Trying to decide if someone is crazy is a waste of time.
 
#47
Marley's Ghost said:
1) No pics - no hottie singer! :p

Seriously, tell us about your wife's childhood. Were her parents divorced or separated for any reason when she was young? Was she abused emotionally or physically? Does she seem to hate you one minute, and adore you the next? Have trouble coping when you are not around? if bells are ringing, then go the link below for answers.

Invalid Link Removed


Because if it's BPD throw all logic out the window and get a good lawyer. A woman can have latent BPD for years until a life changing event (marriage, kids) triggers it. If you are wondering how that sweet chick you married turned into a jealous raging monster, this could be the answer. Irrational fear of abandonment is the hallmark, and childhood abuse/abandonment is the foundation. :atoz:
Click to expand...

I thought all women had this?????? Well, at least the ones I meet :-(
 
#49
guy n. cognito said:
Only in textbooks read by amateurs. In the real world, even sane people are sometimes irrational.
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Sometimes is the operative word here. But "sane" couples eventually resolve their arguments rationally.

I AM NOT SAYING THE OP'S WIFE IS BPD!

It is a terribly difficult thing to diagnose. But an inability to come to rational agreements in a relationship means it's time to get counseling, and it that does not work, GET OUT!
 
#50
bassinplace said:
You don't have to be certifiable to be jealous. Everyone's got their foibles. You can either accept them, find a way to work with them or bail. Trying to decide if someone is crazy is a waste of time.
Click to expand...

If you are married and your relationship is in turmoil, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to try to understand why they act the way they do. To know if you can help them, or if they are beyond help.
 
#51
Marley's Ghost said:
Sometimes is the operative word here. But "sane" couples eventually resolve their arguments rationally.

I AM NOT SAYING THE OP'S WIFE IS BPD!

It is a terribly difficult thing to diagnose. But an inability to come to rational agreements in a relationship means it's time to get counseling, and it that does not work, GET OUT!
Click to expand...

Nope, wrong again. The assumption that sane people always have rational arguments, or end them rationally, is flawed at best. To even infer that someone's spouse may have a mental disorder simply because her behavior (might be) irrational is irresponsible.
 
#52
I thankfull my wife of 40 years is such an angel. She's put up with my "music jones" and been nothing but supportive. I don't expect to be a rock star, but I just enjoy playing my bass in the local bars, clubs, festivals, and parties. Growing up has nothing to do with it. In the early years, 20 years ago, my wife was a favorite dance partner for lots of our fans. She always said the occasional hug or kiss from the fans "goes with the territory." Of course, now those hugs are followed by, "You look just like my Grandpa."
 
#53
My GF is a bit paranoid and used to give me grief about doing bar gigs. I have been known to drink too much once in awhile, and she sees this as a possible road to an affair, even though I've never cheated nor given her any reason to think I have. So, I agreed to not drink at all on gigs, problem solved. She does understand that I need to perform music here and there, and that if I don't, I am not happy. And then, she's not happy, so, we have a compromise.
 
#54
Probably been said by a few others but it's all about trust, or in this case a lack thereof. I had the same trust issues with a wife at the same age you are. Anytime trust breaks down like that the relationship is in trouble and headed for the rocks anyway. I fought through the same thing and shortly thereafter stopped playing.

A year and a half later we divorced even though I hadn't returned to playing yet. My experience with this taught me that while this may seem to be the issue it's not. But it's only the topic she'll argue with you about since she probably doesn't even know what's really making her unhappy. I sincerely doubt the band is it though.

If she's unwilling to go to some counseling with you so that maybe the real issues can come to the surface your marriage is probably in trouble whether you leave the band or not. Mine wouldn't and it was her who got involved with someone else so in our case it seems she was projecting her own desire for infidelity onto me. It does work that way sometimes.

It's a slippery slope man so don't believe the problem is exactly what she says it is.
 

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