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Another Band/Wife drama thread/vent

#61
mward69 said:
I have NOT cheated on her EVER...but when she hears this BS from what we have labeled the "drama queens" She does start to question it. And YES, she has said that I put more time into the band, or taking away from "our weekends" which is BS...we don't do anything NOW...lol we watch movies and chill on the couch...:rollno:
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Watching movies and chilling on the couch is doing something with her. Dude it's not like you need to go skydiving while staying at some mountain resort in the alps to have "your weekends".


I thought your wife was supposed to be supportive. You know, "hey good luck at the gig tonight I hope you play well, I might show up too." Rather than "grow up you aren't a rock star." That's some seriously stupid thing to say. Maybe she's jealous you have a life outside the marriage and she does not.
 
#62
My wife of 19 years is supportive of my band but she also worries about me coming home at God knows when in the morning with all the drunk'n jack holes on the roads. and it had effected her sleep mostly in the winter months. when the roads contain the next danger weather. So the band and I agreed we would take off the winter months Late Dec through the end of Feb. and start booking again mid March onward. Also agree to fewer back to back Friday and Sat night shows so we can spend some of the weekend with the family. Good luck Bass widows can be tough to deal with but, when you're old and grey my guess is your bass won't be taking care of you like a loving caring wife would.
 
#63
Marley's Ghost said:
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Don't jump all over this guy. I would bet he posted it due to some personal experience. I just recently left a relationship with a girl who was professionally diagnosed with this. It really is heartbreaking and endlessly frustrating to be so close to someone suffering from this disorder (and making you suffer as well.)

We were together for nearly 2 years. In that span of time I had been in 3 different bands. Although she never gave me the "me or the band" ultimatum, I would have LOVED to hear that (and be able to give a definite response) because instead I had the wishy-washy middle ground. She'd come to gigs but act pissy the whole time. She'd make plans when she knew I had practice, only to get pissed at me and it'd be on my mind throughout practice. Or the post-music obligations I'd get sucked into, and everyone here knows how sometimes after a long practice or gig, you're beat. Didnt understand that. Many times my band was referred to as "my hobby" (technically it is) while she grew up in a hockey family, her and her 3 brothers all playing hockey through their entire lives, dedicating all their time and money and energy to hockey, and yet she couldn't grasp the analogy between band practice/hockey practice and gig/game. In the beginning of the relationship it worked because my time was split 25% girlfriend / 25% bands / 25% friends / 25% me time. Towards the end it was 75% girlfriend, 10% bands, 10% friends, 5% me time.

That was my own personal rant, but the point I'm trying to make is that compromising and balancing it often easier said than done if you're still being subliminally influenced away from your musical passion. Dont know what to tell ya brother.
 
#64
Skarekrough said:
But mostly I suspect it's so she can watch all the shows I find detestable without me making retching sounds or rolling my eyes....
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HA! My wife says I do that too! I never realized that I was. I can't stand those shows.

On topic, she hardly ever comes out when I play either; as a matter of fact, I can count on one hand the number of times. She gets a headache from the noise, she's not musically inclined, and she doesn't drink, so after a couple songs it's no fun for her anymore. But I don't encourage women at shows to stick around either, and she knows that. Don't touch the jukebox! And put your tips in the jar.

It sounds like the real problem might be her gossipy friends, based on what you're telling us. Then again, that's all we know, so who knows. Maybe she caught your eye wandering toward your new lady singer a few too many times. You've already referred to her as "hot;" just sayin'.

Maybe you just need to step back and take take some time to look at the big picture. Think of this: The band won't end up with your house if you leave it. :)

Reminds me of a joke- Why are a tornado and a redneck divorce similar? 'Cause either way, someone's gonna lose a trailer. (It's cheepatakeepa, mi amigo)
 
#66
evanoverdrive said:
Any women that would demand her husband quit the thing that he really loves to do is being selfish in my opinion.She needs to suck it up and deal with her own issues.Talk to her about it and if she doesnt see your point, do it anyway.If she leave over you playing in a band, you got out in the nick of time in my opinion.
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Agreed.
Life can be difficult enough without someone trying to drag you down and control you.
Marriage/relationships are about mutual support of the things that each person is passionate about.
 
#67
I really feel for you and can relate. My wife and will have been married 28 years come July. I've been playing the entire time, albeit more regularly at times than others. As we've got into our late 40s, yea, she's had issues. I made a bad choice getting in a start up country band a couple years ago, and while I had fun and learned a lot and was challenged, we both could see that the country scene was not for me (us). It was primarily club gigs, lots of younger gals and lots more rowdy than the classic rock crowd. I was really uncomfortable in the situation, seeing my wife sitting out there and young gals oogling over the band.

At that time I actually was in the country band, and managing my classic rock cover band of 30 years, so I was playing a lot - and more than even I wanted, so I left on good terms. Kept the classic rock thing. At the time, my kids were also leaving the nest. So instead of me going to play a gig and her staying at home with the kids (which she was fine with), suddenly now she found herself alone on more Saturday nights than she cared for. Yea, I got the "me or them" thing a couple times, but we sat down and talked about it. Thankfully, the guys in the classic rock band were having some of the same issues, though some of that was school age kids needing to have parents at weekend dance competitions, or sports games. And with the guys in the band all living about 200-250 miles apart, most gigs are all day events when you figure in travel time, set-up, etc.

Eventually, it surprisingly got to be too much for 3 of the guys and they retired on NYE 2010 which was a sad day. We were at the time almost fully transitioned from a club/wedding band to an all-out wedding and corporate band. I snatched 2 of the guys from the country band who were looking to play less, and a great drummer. It has turned out to be a really good thing. We now play once a month, almost all weddings and corporate gigs. I guess I'll just say that the wife is as happy with that arrangement as she can be, because while she'd prefer I not play out at all, she sees how muich a part of me it is, and she really likes the new guys and their wives. And I can get the 16 year old to stay home with her, or my daughter to come over so she's not sitting at home alone.

So I guess my point to all this is, situations change, feelings change, your life changes, and hopefully things can be worked out so you can still do what you love to do, and yet keep the peace on the homefront.
 
#70
mward69 said:
Ok, Here we go again...Me-42 yrs old, cover band starting back up after we took several months off after a few yrs of going strong.
Wife, USED to love my playing out when we got together, even was the one to push me into joining this cover band and bought me my 1st 5 string because of all the down tuning crap.
US - Married 6 yrs, together 7. Our last run as a cover band got ugly at the end, there was a group of women that LOVED to stir **** up, If me, or our singer hugged some random girl or was talking to them {Us just saying thx, blah blah} It would get back to our wives that we are F*ing them and so on....created a BUNCH of drama, NONE that were true.

This go around, it's the same band, but we added the guitar players lil hottie G-friend. She's 26, can sing her ass off. It's opened many new doors for us as far as versatility. The Wife is on the "The band or me" kick now. :rollno:

I explained to her, this is MY thing, it's important to me and I get PAID for doing this. She's tripping over the "Bar drama" BS...I tried explaining that I do my thing, we take a break, I thank everyone/mingle for a min. then I sit down, have a beer and talk with band.....I am SERIOUSLY a the point of telling her it's time to take a break from this damned marriage!! :eyebrow:
Her reply is "it's time I grew up" and "too old to play rockstar"
Typical BS....ugh!! I do this cover thing because it's FUN, and I get a little side money from it. I still work a normal job and pay my damn bills. *** is the prob.?!!!!

Vent over.....:help:
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...Her reply is "it's time I grew up" and "too old to play rockstar"

Run, do not walk, from this woman.
 
#73
Auriaprottu said:
...Her reply is "it's time I grew up" and "too old to play rockstar"

Run, do not walk, from this woman.
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Hah speaking for the OP I'm gonna say this is easier said than done, and considering the purpose for this thread is more therapy than resolution, I don't know how helpful it is. He is already 7 years married.... I think you stop censoring yourself alot at that point, but I wouldn't know.

What would be BEST I think is to bring up this conversation with a 3rd party mediator, ie. a relationship councilor or therapist. OP could keep passively aggressively fighting this fight, but he's starting to realize that he can't change his wife's feelings all by himself. OP seems to be doing everything he can and falling short, I'd call in the big guns. Who knows, maybe the suggestion of therapy will change his wife's tune (ie. maybe she doesnt realize its this big of a problem in their relationship.)
 
#74
JustDavid said:
No. No one can make anyone insecure: that requires the active permission of the person 'made' insecure. Maybe it's not the OP 'rockstar' who needs to do the growing up in that household.
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I think you took my comment the wrong way. Youre right, that no one can make someone feel insecure. That insecurity comes from within, but is only complicated/perpetuated by the rumor mill. Removing the gossip (talks of the OP messing around with other women) would go a long way in creating a resolution.

Actium said:
Maybe she's jealous you have a life outside the marriage and she does not.
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This certainly sounds like a part of the issue as well.

Toastfuzz said:
Although she never gave me the "me or the band" ultimatum, I would have LOVED to hear that (and be able to give a definite response) because instead I had the wishy-washy middle ground. She'd come to gigs but act pissy the whole time.
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Now that sounds like my ex-wife. And yes, she was BPD.
 
#75
MX21 said:
Giving in does no good. That's where I am right now. My wife gave me the "her or the band" ultimatum, so I chose her in the interests of maintaining the marriage, taking a leave of absence. She continues with several extracurricular activities of her own while I have none because me doing band is "too stressful" for her. I tried to open a discussion last night (after 5 months off). I wanted to discuss that this is something that's important to me, try to work out a compromise, blah, blah, blah..., but no. Won't even discuss. If you have a wife like mine, once you give something, it's gone for good. :mad:

p.s. this isn't a bar band. I play for children at church twice a month and do the occasional extra church event.
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You should probably get this straightened out sooner than later. She is emasculating you gradually. She is taking your manhood from you in way that will produce a man she does not respect in time. It sounds like you have no balls, so grow some, and take her out to discuss your side of things. And of course, listen to her side. Get angry with her if you have to, but don't let her slowly take away your manhood. That's not a relationship, that's a dictatorship.
 
#76
I'm 55 years old and I have been married for 27 years. I'm 55 years old and I have been playing the bass since I was 15. That's 35 years. belfore that I played drums at 11. I like the Tommy Tedesco quote. If someone has to coerce you, or force into their will through guilt and other tactics then they are manipulators. You are being manipluated by your wife to feel guilty about a side product of doing what you love. You have no control over what the B's start so don;t sweat it. If playing makes you happy and more complete as a person, never stop playing. You''ll trun into a mean old frustrated, grumpy and spiteful old man. I have a friend who is a womanizer and for years he struggled in his relationship with his wife. When he finally admitted to himself what he is he separated from his wife, gave her what she needed in terms of support and how he's happy as hell, not because he dumped his wife but he's being true to himself, is not frustrated, no longer has to feek guilty and he's got his own crib now to do whatever he wants to.
 
#79
Actium said:
I thought your wife was supposed to be supportive. You know, "hey good luck at the gig tonight I hope you play well, I might show up too." Rather than "grow up you aren't a rock star." That's some seriously stupid thing to say. Maybe she's jealous you have a life outside the marriage and she does not.
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