I have often wondered what I've missed by having never married..... turns out, not much!!!
Yep. Sometimes your better off finding a woman you hate and buying her a house.
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Another Band/Wife drama thread/vent
- Thread starter mward69
- Start date
Yep. Sometimes your better off finding a woman you hate and buying her a house.
Well, there's the frustration of having a woman lying half-naked next to you with no expectations of getting lucky that night...
What it boils down to, in this scenario, is that you didnt try hard enough. At least thats what I got when I tried to raise the point.
What it boils down to, in this scenario, is that you didnt try hard enough. At least thats what I got when I tried to raise the point.
Asking a woman for logic is like going into McDonalds and asking for a steak. You get what you get. If you still want the steak, then you're pretty much on your own.
Ah! A wink's as good as a nod to a blind bat, eh? Know what I mean? He asked him knowingly. Nudge Nudge. Say no more!
I recently reconciled whether my design career of 27 years, healthy freelancing career, and marriage (gasp) of 25 years was worth making $80-100 a weekend, being out until 3 am, dealing with smoke and bastards in bars, dealing with flakey ass musicians and their uncontrollable spouses/girlfriends, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.
Personal conclusion was that even though I could have made a living as a musician, my life went a different way and I'm actually happy with my life. And the addition of gigging to it just complicated everything else by magnitudes.
Lots of stuff has been sold this week and not done yet.
Personal conclusion was that even though I could have made a living as a musician, my life went a different way and I'm actually happy with my life. And the addition of gigging to it just complicated everything else by magnitudes.
Lots of stuff has been sold this week and not done yet.
Wow, dude. You sound kinda bitter. Hope not. Like the OP though, we've all got our choices to make.
Its not about the money, though. Its about being able to actively pursue ones own interests at will.
For some, being in a band or playing music isnt enough to stir up one's relationship and would be more than okay with making that compromise.
For others, the love of playing music and all that it entails is more than enough of a reason for one to stop and consider if they would rather be in a relationship or a band.
Put it this way... outside of your relationship, what in life brings you the most happiness? Lets just say, for example, that its collecting stamps. There's just something about stamps that you love. Half of your expendable income goes towards purchasing stamps, buying new books to put your stamps in, going to stamp conventions, etc. One day, your wife or girlfriend, whom you love, tells you that your stamp collecting is taking up too much of your time. She doesnt want you to cut back on the amount of time you spend collecting, she says you can keep the stamps you have, but no more spending, no more conventions, etc. To a true stamp collector, thats going to hurt. Sure, they might willingly give up stamps for the sake of the relationship, but now there is a void in that persons life that nothing is ever going to fill again. Not only that, but any new interest that the stamp collector finds is only going to be shot down the same way. That leaves one to wonder... was it ever really about the stamps?
OP: seek counseling. you are both too close to it.
I'm married, similar age. Wife is supportive, but it can definitely be a struggle to make sure she feels important in the scheme of how I spend my time. (and it's your time that is the scarce resource here) Counseling is definitely one of the reasons we are still together.
If we are honest we can admit that spouses aren't the only illogical players. For us, playing music is a tremendously personal attachment, and for spouses, feeling important and valued in the relationship is equally personal . Thus, It can very very difficult to have an emotionally neutral , logical negotiation between the two. If the marriage is at all important to you, try counseling before ultimatums -or put counseling in your ultimatum. "I want to keep playing music and have our marriage work. What do you say we go to counseling and work it out?" Anyone serious about living up to their marriage commitment will at least try counseling before giving up.
I'm married, similar age. Wife is supportive, but it can definitely be a struggle to make sure she feels important in the scheme of how I spend my time. (and it's your time that is the scarce resource here) Counseling is definitely one of the reasons we are still together.
If we are honest we can admit that spouses aren't the only illogical players. For us, playing music is a tremendously personal attachment, and for spouses, feeling important and valued in the relationship is equally personal . Thus, It can very very difficult to have an emotionally neutral , logical negotiation between the two. If the marriage is at all important to you, try counseling before ultimatums -or put counseling in your ultimatum. "I want to keep playing music and have our marriage work. What do you say we go to counseling and work it out?" Anyone serious about living up to their marriage commitment will at least try counseling before giving up.
Good question. I think it's actually about having a pastime that qualifies as a hobby. Some people have a proclivity towards it while others don't see what all the fuss is about. If two people can't amicably agree to disagree on it then it can sometimes cause a roadblock. Objectivity is a tough nut to crack a lot of the time.
After 10+ years in original bands, I'm back in a cover band.
Why? Money. I had to take a 20% paycut two years ago in order to keep my day job. My son was out of work for about six months, and I had to backstop him (since I'm a co-borrower on his home loan) until he got a new job and started working again. My wife is retiring from teaching this year, which will bring on another paycut. Unless something happens, I'll go out like Les Paul - paying weekly gigs until I die.
This cover band is doing well - we have 37 paid gigs on the books for the year so far.
There are worse things, of course.
Why? Money. I had to take a 20% paycut two years ago in order to keep my day job. My son was out of work for about six months, and I had to backstop him (since I'm a co-borrower on his home loan) until he got a new job and started working again. My wife is retiring from teaching this year, which will bring on another paycut. Unless something happens, I'll go out like Les Paul - paying weekly gigs until I die.
This cover band is doing well - we have 37 paid gigs on the books for the year so far.
There are worse things, of course.
First of all, who are these "drama queens"? are they your friends? Her friends? band members wives/girlfriends/etc...? And how do they have access to your wife to be seen as credible sources of information? Either it's none of their damn business and they need to shut their whore mouths, or it's none of their damn business and they need to shut their whore mouths. Basically, you need to talk to these people very sternly, and lay it out in no uncertain terms that "hey, you're f-ing up my marriage with your lies, you need to stop now or you are no longer welcome at our shows, etc...".
That's the first step.
Next step is to talk to your wife and figure out what the actual problem/s is/are. Jealousy about other women? Jealousy about spending time away from her/having a more active life? She just hates music? You can't know how to proceed until you figure out what the roots of the problem actually are.
Maybe she'll bring up some valid concerns (doubtful unless there's a lot you haven't told us). She KNEW you were a musician when you got together. She agreed to be married to a musician with all that entails. Her going back on that is either changing the terms of the "deal" or at any rate not holding up her end of the bargain. and that's a problem. Possibly a marriage ending problem. Because if you give up or even cut back on music to placate her, you are unlikely to get from her the happiness you give up from the music. In which case you will just be resentful of her and then the marriage will just deteriorate even more.
So your job is basically to convince HER that it's in HER best interest for you to continue playing and having a good time. Obviously assure her that your behaviour when she's not there is on the up and up. She probably needs to get some hobbies of her own, or alternately, maybe BOTH of you can find something to do TOGETHER with some of your remaining non-band time.
And to the guy who quit playing in the winter time... SERIOUSLY? Maybe it's because I come from "lake effect snow" country, but to me that is just ********. If you are so afraid of things that you just stop living for months out of the year, you never get that time back. Accidents happen ALL the time, and you're probably MORE likely to get into one driving to the grocery store at 6pm than you are at 1am when not too many people are on the road. Obviously, certain days can be particularly bad for drunk drivers, but most of those days are not in January or February.
Anyway, OP, I hope you get things figured out and your wife comes around and you don't just cave to her which wouldn't end up benefitting anyone.
That's the first step.
Next step is to talk to your wife and figure out what the actual problem/s is/are. Jealousy about other women? Jealousy about spending time away from her/having a more active life? She just hates music? You can't know how to proceed until you figure out what the roots of the problem actually are.
Maybe she'll bring up some valid concerns (doubtful unless there's a lot you haven't told us). She KNEW you were a musician when you got together. She agreed to be married to a musician with all that entails. Her going back on that is either changing the terms of the "deal" or at any rate not holding up her end of the bargain. and that's a problem. Possibly a marriage ending problem. Because if you give up or even cut back on music to placate her, you are unlikely to get from her the happiness you give up from the music. In which case you will just be resentful of her and then the marriage will just deteriorate even more.
So your job is basically to convince HER that it's in HER best interest for you to continue playing and having a good time. Obviously assure her that your behaviour when she's not there is on the up and up. She probably needs to get some hobbies of her own, or alternately, maybe BOTH of you can find something to do TOGETHER with some of your remaining non-band time.
And to the guy who quit playing in the winter time... SERIOUSLY? Maybe it's because I come from "lake effect snow" country, but to me that is just ********. If you are so afraid of things that you just stop living for months out of the year, you never get that time back. Accidents happen ALL the time, and you're probably MORE likely to get into one driving to the grocery store at 6pm than you are at 1am when not too many people are on the road. Obviously, certain days can be particularly bad for drunk drivers, but most of those days are not in January or February.
Anyway, OP, I hope you get things figured out and your wife comes around and you don't just cave to her which wouldn't end up benefitting anyone.
What, are you guys in middle school or something? I second what jungleheat said...why are you letting yourself get wrapped up in B.S. that people in their 30's and 40's should be ashamed of? Maybe your wife is jealous or bored. Invite her to gigs. Talk to her about it. Don't just write her off as a bad stereotype.
I'm willing to bet that she also just doesn't understand what this means to you. To people who aren't musicians and/or don't play in bands or play gigs, they don't really have a sense of how important and how gratifying it can be, simply because they have never had the experience and therefore can't relate (or they did, and it wasn't for them). In any case, you guys are just not on the same wavelength with this, and whether it's a symptom of a bigger problem or not, remains to be seen. The guy I'm seeing now got irrationally jealous when I called him about a new gig I just got, playing with a drummer who is somewhat well-known and popular amidst the NYC punk/post-punk scene.
He said, "Well, I'm probably gonna lose you...you're probably gonna end up with him" which offended me on several levels, least of all that I would jeopardize my job by sleeping with a co-worker, so to speak. But I brushed it off as him being childish and stupid, and moved on with my life, figuring he's probably just jealous that I'm happily making music and he never had the self-discipline to pick up his bass at all...choosing instead to make a career out of something that seems to make him miserable. Not MY fault!
Maybe your wife just isn't feeling as included as she used to be (because, well, she ISN'T, from what I've read). Is this her choice or did it just kinda happen? Talk to her about it! Make it clear that you care about her and that you'd love for her to be a part of things because you want to share it with her. And steer clear of the drama!
I'm willing to bet that she also just doesn't understand what this means to you. To people who aren't musicians and/or don't play in bands or play gigs, they don't really have a sense of how important and how gratifying it can be, simply because they have never had the experience and therefore can't relate (or they did, and it wasn't for them). In any case, you guys are just not on the same wavelength with this, and whether it's a symptom of a bigger problem or not, remains to be seen. The guy I'm seeing now got irrationally jealous when I called him about a new gig I just got, playing with a drummer who is somewhat well-known and popular amidst the NYC punk/post-punk scene.
He said, "Well, I'm probably gonna lose you...you're probably gonna end up with him" which offended me on several levels, least of all that I would jeopardize my job by sleeping with a co-worker, so to speak. But I brushed it off as him being childish and stupid, and moved on with my life, figuring he's probably just jealous that I'm happily making music and he never had the self-discipline to pick up his bass at all...choosing instead to make a career out of something that seems to make him miserable. Not MY fault!
Maybe your wife just isn't feeling as included as she used to be (because, well, she ISN'T, from what I've read). Is this her choice or did it just kinda happen? Talk to her about it! Make it clear that you care about her and that you'd love for her to be a part of things because you want to share it with her. And steer clear of the drama!
I've always been a firm believer in the old adage- "Where there's smoke, there's fire." The ARE exceptions, however. Case in point: In the late 90's I had a beat-to-sh** Toyota Tercel Wagon. Diff colored fenders, high mileage- A proper musician's car. In the back, I used a dark blue sleeping bag to both protect and hide my Acoustic 106 cabinet. The cab wasn't always in the car, but the sleeping bag was. Along with that, I always kept a "road bag" in the car. It held a change of clothes, advil, toothbrush and deodorant, because there were times I'd get last minute calls for out-of-state gigs. Somehow, this morphed into me being a "homeless drunk" at my local bar- I'd show up, play NTN Trivia, and if you won, you'd get 5 bucks, which I used to buy beer. It was cheap entertainment.
They saw the crappy car, the sleeping bag, my never spending any real money, and my typical musician's clothing and somehow deduced that I was a homeless drunk.
In their defense, I never advertised that I played in bands, because I liked just being able to hang out without people asking inane questions about the band, or music in general. They never knew the reasons for those items.
They saw the crappy car, the sleeping bag, my never spending any real money, and my typical musician's clothing and somehow deduced that I was a homeless drunk.
In their defense, I never advertised that I played in bands, because I liked just being able to hang out without people asking inane questions about the band, or music in general. They never knew the reasons for those items.
i wish there was a "crying from laughter" emoticon to express the lulz supplied by this statement
