Another Band/Wife drama thread/vent

[ibateur]

Resentment will destroy your marriage either way. She will resent you not giving it up, or you will resent her for making you choose her over music.

So, a) marriage counseling or b) divorce now

Music is a very powerful driving force for me. My wife understands that and will tolerate it at worst and encourage me at best.

 

[hernameisrio]

Srsly. I'm so sick of the old cliche of "Oh noes, my wife/girlfriend doesn't understand why I play in baaaaands!" Oh yeah, because women just don't Get It and are soooo complicated. 99.9% of the time, BOTH parties have bigger issues. And as for me, yes, I too am guilty as charged...I have trouble being assertive enough to address my guy's insecurities. You know, I hear all these guys complaining about how their wives don't understand them because they [probably] don't spend enough time at home and can't possibly grasp the fact that maybe they're ignoring their significant others and/or families. Man, cut the **** and quit gaslighting these poor women...you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place if it's really that hard to meet your partner halfway! I'm sorry, but for the sake of the whopping ten women in this forum, or whatever the pathetically low number is, I feel compelled to speak up and speak out against crap like this. Guys, get out of the Stone Age, your lives will be better for it, and your bass-playing will improve tenfold. Hey, someone had to say it.

 

[hernameisrio]

p.s. Honestly, how ANYBODY can expect to be in a serious band let alone multiple projects AND hold down a family life, is beyond me. I don't get why people insist on trying anyway. What did you THINK you were signing up for with the whole kids and marriage thing? Why do people always act so surprised when they end up with this sort of lifestyle and oh wow, it's so different from being able to come home whenever I want, hang out with whoever I want, etc? With all due respect to other peoples' personal choices, I think it's really sad when situations like these happen. One of my friends is a pretty well-known guitarist amidst the NYC blues/classic rock circuit. He is divorced with two kids. He now spends most of his time down south playing Dad and neglecting his life here. Did any of us expect him to do anything differently? No, but that's just part of the deal and it's what he signed up for. It's a goddamn shame. I think it is very rare when musicians and creative types with crazy, unpredictable schedules and hours, manage to find lasting happiness in any sort of "normal" setting, i.e. marriage and kids. It is really, really difficult in this business.

 

[azureblue]

This is simple to solve, with one speech: "This band is a business, MY business. We play music together, and that's the extent of it. The band is not a soap opera for you and your friends to comment on. You would not like me going to your place of work and gossiping about you and your co- workers, would you? Would you like it if I got jealous of one of your male co- workers and demanded that you quit? Of course not. So quit gossiping and stay out of the band's business. I do not and will not cheat on you. If you can't stay out of the band's business, or if you continue to gossip or pressure me to get out, then we will go to a counselor. At your expense."

 

[Toastfuzz]

........

Its great hearing a woman's perspective. You probably won't agree with me, but in my experience (and other dudes here too) the music doesn't get in the way early on. We fall for girls who are attracted to us as musicians, excited for us to be musicians, but THEY don't understand what comes along with it. Or they pull a complete 180, like this guy saying his wife is NOW telling him to "grow up and stop trying to be a rockstar", when she was apparently fine with his behavior before. Another resounding point that has come up a few times in this thread, it sounds like his wife has no hobbies or social circles of her own, so anytime hubby is out playing, she is down and out. Normal people in this kind of relationship would go do their OWN thing when their spouse was busy, OR they would support their spouse and join them in the fun. But she's "outgrown" the bar scene, and yet can't find anything better to do with her time but sit on the couch wishing her husband was there.

To take your words to heart, I agree with you, which is why I'm single again right now.

 

[MatticusMania]

Srsly. I'm so sick of the old cliche of "Oh noes, my wife/girlfriend doesn't understand why I play in baaaaands!" Oh yeah, because women just don't Get It and are soooo complicated. 99.9% of the time, BOTH parties have bigger issues. And as for me, yes, I too am guilty as charged...I have trouble being assertive enough to address my guy's insecurities. You know, I hear all these guys complaining about how their wives don't understand them because they [probably] don't spend enough time at home and can't possibly grasp the fact that maybe they're ignoring their significant others and/or families. Man, cut the **** and quit gaslighting these poor women...you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place if it's really that hard to meet your partner halfway! I'm sorry, but for the sake of the whopping ten women in this forum, or whatever the pathetically low number is, I feel compelled to speak up and speak out against crap like this. Guys, get out of the Stone Age, your lives will be better for it, and your bass-playing will improve tenfold. Hey, someone had to say it.

I think your argument is taking on the wrong perspective in an honorable attempt to defend women.
To me, this is not about male musicians and their wives not understanding. Its about musicians, and their nonmusicians significant others not understanding the need and drive of a musician.
You said yourself that your guy has insecuritites, most likely akin to what the OPs wife is facing.

p.s. Honestly, how ANYBODY can expect to be in a serious band let alone multiple projects AND hold down a family life, is beyond me. I don't get why people insist on trying anyway. What did you THINK you were signing up for with the whole kids and marriage thing? Why do people always act so surprised when they end up with this sort of lifestyle and oh wow, it's so different from being able to come home whenever I want, hang out with whoever I want, etc? With all due respect to other peoples' personal choices, I think it's really sad when situations like these happen. One of my friends is a pretty well-known guitarist amidst the NYC blues/classic rock circuit. He is divorced with two kids. He now spends most of his time down south playing Dad and neglecting his life here. Did any of us expect him to do anything differently? No, but that's just part of the deal and it's what he signed up for. It's a goddamn shame. I think it is very rare when musicians and creative types with crazy, unpredictable schedules and hours, manage to find lasting happiness in any sort of "normal" setting, i.e. marriage and kids. It is really, really difficult in this business.

Though you argue against it, there are plenty of bass players here who are active in one or more bands who are also capable of maintaining a good family life.
People get into music for all sorts of reasons, and you say that just because musicians usually have odd schedules they arent capable fo family life? Thats pretty silly.

 

[dukaruk]

Can you try to find a gig she is on board with? Or at least float that option?

I'm not saying you have to quit but the act of exploring that option could be enough to make her happy. Who knows, maybe you will find a better band that plays better music for more money.

 

[hernameisrio]

Matticus, I'm not saying they aren't capable, I'm simply saying that it's a tough equation for many of us. As far as my argument taking on the wrong perspective, well, you're right, it does read as being a bit misguided. I guess my point is the same one you just made....that a LOT of people, male or female, don't understand what it really means to be a musician. Um, unless they are one, ha ha. Anyway, I'm off to rehearsal, if my boyfriend drops in and asks if I'm rolling around in bed with a drummer who is old enough to be my father, tell him to grow up!

 

[MatticusMania]

Matticus, I'm not saying they aren't capable, I'm simply saying that it's a tough equation for many of us. As far as my argument taking on the wrong perspective, well, you're right, it does read as being a bit misguided. I guess my point is the same one you just made....that a LOT of people, male or female, don't understand what it really means to be a musician. Um, unless they are one, ha ha. Anyway, I'm off to rehearsal, if my boyfriend drops in and asks if I'm rolling around in bed with a drummer who is old enough to be my father, tell him to grow up!

Will do! Lol.
I think I agree with you, but I havent seriously dated enough women to know for sure. I think another musician would certainly understand the situation better, though. Thankfully my wife, who is your age, has been in bands for 10+ years and I get no grief from her at all. She enjoys going out to my shows, no matter how long or how late, especially because she is in between projects right now.

My ex-wife gave off the impression that she was cool with the whole musician aspect of my life, but she tended to cause a lot of drama for no reason (other than her BPD). Some examples like the time she told me I was checking out a waitress at a bar I was playing that I hadnt even noticed. There was the time she knocked over our box of merch, on accident, and I made no big deal over it. Later that night, my drummers gf knocked over a strobe light, by accident, and my ex went off on me because I told the other girl it was no big deal. Anything that woman could start an argument over...

 

[hernameisrio]

It sounds like she'd get along swimmingly with my boyfriend, who is a nice guy with some significant insecurities. Because yeah, obviously the only reason I picked up the bass was to get guys. I've definitely learned to filter out certain information if it means I'm able to avoid a stupid argument. I'm not saying to lie, but I think a lot of people fall into the trap of telling their significant others or spouses EVERY SINGLE THING. If only because playing in 4 different projects and being a freelancer has created a pretty complicated schedule for me that is nearly impossible to keep track of let alone explain to others, I have finally learned to curb this habit and be a little more vague just to keep my own life simple and drama-free. That said, I can understand why people would be envious of the connection musicians have with fellow musicians, whether in the studio or in a band. It really is something special and rare. And it's an interesting chemistry...sometimes it feels almost as intimate as the best sex you've ever had....and other times it feels like they are your family...yet sometimes they're just a bunch of people who you met at a gig or on the subway or through a Craigslist ad. When else do we get to experience a dynamic like this? It can be difficult, but it's also so rewarding. I guess it's only right that people looking in from the outside, would be curious, confused, and possibly jealous.

 

[MatticusMania]

Good post! Especially in regards to the chemistry between fellow musicians. If we take that into consideration, then an example like the OP's where his band is fronted by a hot young woman along with the sewing circle gossip, it almost makes sense that some insecurity from his spouse would arise. What doesnt make sense is to come up with ultimatums (which will only cause further problems) as a means to quell that insecurity.
I can relate to your situation of not telling your s/o every detail. I had to leave a lot of info out when telling my ex certain things because it was always walking on eggshells with her. Im glad to be rid of that and with someone who understands my lifestyle.

 

[experimental bassist]

Men, in relationships is important to insist on respectful communication, and to avoid falling into a very common trap.

 

[aborgman]

To me, this is not about male musicians and their wives not understanding. Its about musicians, and their nonmusicians significant others not understanding the need and drive of a musician.

...and the musician not understanding the emotional needs and drives of his non-musician significant other.

BOTH sides have to compromise, because both sides have legitimate emotional needs that aren't being met without compromise.

 

[MatticusMania]

...and the musician not understanding the emotional needs and drives of his non-musician significant other.

BOTH sides have to compromise, because both sides have legitimate emotional needs that aren't being met without compromise.

I agree on both sides having to compromise, but I disagree that this (in a general sense not relegated to the OP) is an issue about the musician not understanding the emotional needs and drives of his non-musician significant other. Being a musician does not negate having emotional needs or the understanding of a significant others needs.

 

[VitalSigns]

It's offical, I'm never getting married. Ever.

 

[aborgman]

I agree on both sides having to compromise, but I disagree that this (in a general sense not relegated to the OP) is an issue about the musician not understanding the emotional needs and drives of his non-musician significant other. Being a musician does not negate having emotional needs or the understanding of a significant others needs.

MOST humans don't understand the emotional needs of most other humans - musicians or otherwise. In relationships that work, folks compromise even though they don't "understand".

Really though... I'm just pointing out that a lot of posts in this thread seem to take the "your emotional needs for playing music should outweigh her emotional needs".

You shouldn't just make your desires subordinate to hers, but that doesn't mean her desires should be subordinate to yours either. Her desire to have you home (for whatever illogical or logical reason) is just as emotionally valid as your desire to get out an play (for whatever illogical or logical reason).

The one thing that is true - if you're going to get married your spouse/family doesn't have to be your only priority, but they have to be your top priority.

 

[experimental bassist]

It's offical, I'm never getting married. Ever.

Oh no, don't let this kind of thing get you discouraged!


Women:

When they share how they feel about something, and communicate this directly and respectfully, then pay darn close attention to what she is saying and work it out.

When they instead use words and phrases like "You never...", or "You always..." or "You need to grow up", or any other SHAMING type language, then that is your cue to either calmly ignore her or calmly do the exact opposite. Believe me, that's the ONLY successful way to address these type of things.

A mother is a woman who raises a child.

A man's girlfriend/wife is not his mother.

Never confuse the two.

 

[Stumbo]

Giving in does no good. That's where I am right now.

My wife gave me the "her or the band" ultimatum, so I chose her in the interests of maintaining the marriage, taking a leave of absence.

Why is it up to you to keep the marriage together? She's the one giving the ultimatum. Control freak ftw.

She continues with several extracurricular activities of her own while I have none because me doing band is "too stressful" for her.

More control freak stuff...

I tried to open a discussion last night (after 5 months off). I wanted to discuss that this is something that's important to me, try to work out a compromise, blah, blah, blah..., but no. Won't even discuss. If you have a wife like mine, once you give something, it's gone for good.

More control freak stuff... so she's out enjoying her hobbies while you stew at home with resentment building...

p.s. this isn't a bar band. I play for children at church twice a month and do the occasional extra church event.

So what really is her problem? IMO, when you're not at home, shes get anxious.

Balls in your court. Literally and figuratively.

How old are you going to be before you take a stand?

Let me put this another way: What if you acted just like her? Bullying her around about how she spends her time.

Try telling her that: if she has extra-curricular activities then fair is fair, especially since you play for the church and children's shows. Ask her point blank "Why do you have a problem with this? If she can't come up with a reasonable explanation then her whole life is about her and you're just along for the ride. Is that something you want to be doing for the next 40 years?

Here's a good read for you: Why many bands fail.

 

[MX21]

Why is it up to you to keep the marriage together? She's the one giving the ultimatum. Control freak ftw.


More control freak stuff...


More control freak stuff... so she's out enjoying her hobbies while you stew at home with resentment building...


So what really is her problem? IMO, when you're not at home, shes get anxious.

Balls in your court. Literally and figuratively.

How old are you going to be before you take a stand?

Let me put this another way: What if you acted just like her? Bullying her around about how she spends her time.

Try telling her that: if she has extra-curricular activities then fair is fair, especially since you play for the church and children's shows. Ask her point blank "Why do you have a problem with this? If she can't come up with a reasonable explanation then her whole life is about her and you're just along for the ride. Is that something you want to be doing for the next 40 years?

Here's a good read for you: Why many bands fail.

Agreed on all points, although she does have a point to some extent. I do tend to get overly focused on things, but I'm working on that.

My wife pretty much fits this description.
We are in counseling and this will be coming up next meeting.

 

[Stumbo]

...although she does have a point to some extent. I do tend to get overly focused on things, but I'm working on that.

What does that mean? Overly focused? I mean, why should you stay at home while she's out? What's the definition? Seems to me that playing a couple of times a month is not "overly focused".

IMO, unless she defines all the terms of her statements, and explains specifically how and why you should change your actions (beyond, well...that's how I feel), she's creating drama where none need be created in an attempt to control you for no other good reason than she wants to.

We are in counseling and this will be coming up next meeting.

+1.
Giving ultimatums is no way to be in a relationship.

Good luck.