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Bass/guitar player jokes

B

Bio-Bassist

Jan 17, 2011
210
8
#1
So I was on No Treble today and had a funny photo about how many guitarist it takes to screw in a light bulb, and so many bassists commented their jokes, i wonder what else is out there, but here's mine! xD
How come groupies complain about the guitarist rather then the bass player? because the guitarists rhythm is always the same, same pace, then and exciting part, then the same thing as before then done! But the bass player at least changes as well as spices it up every time!
 
#2
Band shows up to a gig, starts playing and then the guitar player looks out at the audience and thinks:

"man! this is a packed house! I bet they all came to watch me shred!"

Drummer looks out and thinks "man, this is a packed house, we're gonna get paid good tonight."

Keyboard player looks out and thinks "man, this is a packed house! Too bad no one can really appreciate all my skill"

Bass player looks out and thinks "E E E E, A A A A, E E E E..."
 
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#3
A father, who struggled to be a musician but had to become an accountant in the end, gives in to his teenage son's wish to learn how to play an instrument. The boy tells his dad he'd really like to become a bass player. So the father buys him an instrument and arranges for some lessons on the following Tuesday.

After the lesson the dad asks how it went. "Great" says the lad. I learned all the notes on the E string.

The next week another lesson. Again the father asks how it went. "Terrific. I learned all the notes on the A string"

The next week it's time for the lesson but the kid's hanging around the house. "Don't you have a bass lesson?" inquires the father.

"No" replies the boy. " I packed it in. I've got a gig tonight".
 
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#4
How are a bass solo and a blind javelin thrower alike?
Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.





One night the band leader approaches the bands bassist and asks him to play a little more free. "What do you mean ?" the bass player asks. The keyboardist replies "well, for instance, when we start ' One Note Samba ', you wait 3 bars and come in on flat 3rd, then play 2 bars and skip the next one. Go straight to the turn around, then play flat 7th for 5 bars, and finish early with a sharp 5th." The bassist considers this for many minutes, and finally says he can't possibly accomplish such a mammoth task, especially since the part the leader described would sound so dissonant. To which the leader angrily says, "well, why not? That's exactly what you played last night!"





After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce they're getting a divorce.

The kids are distraught and hire a marriage counselor as a last resort at keeping their parents together.

The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't talk to each other. Finally, he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to play. After a minute or so, the couple starts talking and they discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try.

The kids are amazed and ask the counselor how he managed to do it.

He replies,"I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo."
 
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#5
A Bass player is on a flight to Africa. On approach, he hears drums. "Flight attendant, I hear drums; is there a special ceremony"?
"Drums good", the attendant replies.
In the taxi, the bass player once again hears drums and asks "I hear drums again, what is going on?"
"Drums good", says the cab driver.

Once at the hotel, the bass player is determined to ask his question again. But just then, the drums stop. "I have been hearing drums all morning and now they have stopped. What is the meaning of this?".

The desk clerk frowns and says "That's bad...now come bass solo".




At the IQ Lounge, the staff engages patrons in conversations based on the person's IQ. One evening there are three men at the bar. After learning the first fellow's IQ is 135, the bartender begins a discussion on the latest theory on black hole physics. With the second (IQ 121), he discusses classic literature. The third patron tries to avoid giving his IQ. The bartender persists until the poor guy admits he's got an IQ of 92. At which point the bartender says, "Cool! Do you prefer flatwounds or roundwounds?"
 
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#10
So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors."
So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
Then D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility.
The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
 
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#11
Thanks for reposting that awesome stuff there, Ben.
Yeah, as BayState points out, I prefer roundwounds.

And yes, my lips were moving during the several read-throughs
of the C minor thing that it took for me to get it all.

Great stuff. I have a few lame one-liners, probably heard before.

How do you tell if the stage is level at a rock concert?
The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
uhhhh, wow man, it is like, dark in here?
 
#19
I've had a few brushes with famous musicians but it was well before they were popular and successful.
At the time for most of them, I just considered them good or above average in ability.
They kept on, practiced daily, hour after hour, kept mind altering drugs to a minimum and today are living the life of legends.
Me? well, back then I only practiced at rehearsals, partied like it was 1999 and imbibed and ingested more
schedule 1 & 2 drugs with beer and 420 than necessary. I'm surprised I was able to perform at all.
Did I learn anything? Hell yeah! Just play and have fun clear headed.
Practice, practice practice, remember it's way past 1999 and I'm grateful and humble to be here...alive, playing better than ever but too late to "be discovered" as a young musician.
It's such a pleasure to just play extremely well with other great musicians just for fun and get paid. It's pennies compared to my famous friends from long ago. Also there is no feeling like when that moment happens where the band is perfectly in sync and the crowd is completely captivated. Time stands still. Sure beats any schedule 1 drug by a mile.
I live for that moment now. I used to chase the dragon, now I chase the Ampeg monster and catch him regularly.
 
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