I should clarify here that I'm not arguing whether we were too loud -- I think its clear we WERE indeed too loud.. however I disagree with the statement that we should automatically know exactly what volume to play at for every room at any given time, without the benefit of a proper sound check.
I think perhaps what I am describing as the stage mix is different than what some of you are talking about as well. When I say "stage mix" I am not talking in general terms about how loud each of our instruments are relative to each other -- I'm talking about what we are hear on-stage, as opposed to what the audience hears coming at them from the combination of mains / amps / etc.
We don't generally adjust our rehearsal settings to a great extent at shows unless we know that we need to (i.e. the sound guy checks us and says "Hey can you adjust this, etc). We hear what we hear on stage, and maybe it sounds fine, maybe it doesn't, but we all know that we're not hearing the same thing on stage as what the audience hears, and that makes it very difficult to gauge whether our amps our too loud in one circumstance and not in another. Our experience is that this varies WILDLY from venue to venue. I imagine that over time we will start to see patterns and hopefully come up with a sort of mean volume that is generally optimal in most rooms, but we're not at that point quite yet.
If the answer is simply "Turn down, and keep turning down" I guess I can accept that, but with drums, etc, that does make it hard, especially if the monitoring situation is sub-par. All of the best shows we have played we had a complete sound check and we were all given the opportunity to adjust our levels accordingly, as well as adjusting our monitor mix.. in this case it was like "Play a riff on guitar" -- "Play a little keyboards" -- "Sing into the mics" -- "Okay, go!".
In terms of the demo stuff on our myspace, I don't know if that is terribly representative of our live sound in terms of who sets the volume, etc .. we mix obviously to create our ideal sound, but the instrument setting the standard is different depending on the song. In a lot songs the bass is quite dominant, for example, just not necessarily in the recordings we have done up until now. I appreciate you all checking them out, though!