Dealing with the fallout from quitting a band

[two fingers]

In Austin? How many people did they audition? That's crazy. It sounds more like they are saying "we can't think of anybody off the top of our head without this possibly being inconvenient for us." You gotta do what you gotta do. If I'm reading your post correctly, (1) your career is taking off, (2) they know you do not want to tour, and (3) there are no tour dates actually on the calendar. It's time that they face reality and move on without you.

Congrats on your promotion. It sounds like you have a level head on your shoulders.

All of this.

If you really feel bad, help with the search for your replacement and agree to bring the guy up to speed. The is no moral obligation to do this but if going above and beyond will make you feel better go for it.

Congrats on the promotion!

 

[Odinbass]

Stick to your guns. In 10 years you'll find it crazy that you were even considering band over real life. As Oasis said, "Please don't put your life in the hands of a rock and roll band, you'll throw it all away."

 

[Geronimo Atwater]

God. Family. Work. Band. In that order.

I would be as calm and polite as possible, and keep it about you. They are going to react however they react -- that's on them.

Good luck and congrats on your work promotion. To thine ownself be true.

 

[obimark]

Never got the chance to play in any really good bands (plenty of mediocre bar bands) but every band I quit- they all the said the same thing. "We can't replace you, your too good on bass) Basically, as much as I would like to think I am the greatest, I know the real answer is they are probably lazy.

The funny thing is, EVERY time I gave second chances, they never followed through on correcting the things I had a problem with in the band, IE, Too loud, not playing some songs I picked. But each and every time "No you are the greatest, don't quit" Well guess what, show it with respect by listening to my suggestions then!

 

[oldcatfish]

1) Nice "ego stroke" they're giving to keep you in the band

2) Maybe the reason they can't find another bass player in Austin is that they're not as good as they think, and/or the bass players don't want to join their band according to the terms offered by the band

3) Take care of yourself to be able to take care of your family: You and family first. You've already toured and know what it's all about: Band and tour before everything else

By valuing your well being and that of your family above touring, the ensuing decision is much easier. Make the decision and be happy with your new job. Your family deserves and longs to have you around to care for them. . much more than any band tour needs you. Plus, you can still be your band's studio bassist as the opportunity presents, according to your terms. Win win.

I agree with the others...they aren't really trying to find someone else. I'd just tell them that your work situation changed and you definitely won't be available for touring.

Make a cd or DVD with your playing mixed out front and chord charts and/or tabs. Also, make a recording with the band with your playing mixed way down or out altogether...a practice track. And if you are really feeling generous, offer a few free lessons for your replacement, if needed. Even a mediocre sub player or a newbie should be able to handle that, if they are actually trying. By the way, I did this with a band once. They weren't real happy but had no choice. I moved on.

I filled in for them a few years later...which they unfortunately seemed to think meant that I might want to come back permanently. There was a bit of drama, and I had to be a little firm. I think they got offended and have not asked me to sub again. Even if they offered, I don't think I would sub for them again, just because of the drama.

 

[garp]

No additional advice from me that hasn't already been offered. I just had to throw this in for good measure.

 

[PauFerro]

I have a really hard time believing they couldn't find anyone if you are touring....it sounds like they aren't really trying.

is it for pay? I have found that when there is money on the table, good people come out of the woodwork.

I would consider doing what I did several years ago when I quit a local band. I FOUND a bass player for them.

So, if you are feeling kind of guilty about this (I get it, even though you have valid reasons for quitting), try this:

a) Try networking with other musicians in your town who know the scene -- even in the jazz scene. Jazz players can play a lot of different styles, and the vast majority play electric bass (I'm assuming you are non-jazz, and probably some form of rock). i get musicians by calling some of the guys in town that are open to giving me leads all the time. You get better musicians than Craigslist.

b) See if there is a music school (university) close by and tap into their bassists.

c) Check out local music stores for bass teachers, or sites like findamusicteacher.com. They often have the chops and some do music full time. They might be available depending how serious your touring is financially. They will have music students to be concerned about, so you have to consider that. But often they can recommend someone good.

d) There is a site called Bandmix where you can connect with musicians. Try posting something there. There could be a free trial or low cost way to advertise.

You could even audition the guy yourself if you have a recording of the band for the guy to play with. I did this once before and the band thought that was nice of me.

But you have to do what's best for you in the long run. And the guys better get used to adapting to whatever circumstances touring puts them in.

My brother was signed with a big record label for 10 years. Right when his group decided to go on tour, they had a similar situation -- the band had been local. Their bass player was in a serious relationship and getting married. They band knew the bass player wasn't going to be able to hold down the bass chair while being married, so they actually ousted him, and found a single guy to take his place. So, it appears to be common when there is a fundamental change in the commitment required to be in the band.

 

[Gravedigger Dav]

You can't quit. It wouldn't be correct form. First, you haven't fired the drummer and you aren't pissed off at anyone in or anything about the band. Haven't you learned anything in the time you've been on TB?

 

[RickyWoo]

I assure you, you aren't the only good bassist in Austin, Texas. Your band might torpedo with you leaving, though don't think yourself irreplaceable. That's just vain.

Good luck with your new job!

 

[Ox Boris]

When you hear/see the stories, will you wish you were there?
People who really love you will be furious if you tank a dream because of them.

 

[gregmon79]

Do what's best for you. Period. If they don't understand, they aren't your real friends. They also aren't living your life. I'm sure any one of them wouldn't have issue leaving the band if it bettered their life or it was something they wanted to do. Do you think they'd care what you thought if they did leave? Nope. Because they are doing what's best for them. That's life.

I was in the same situation as you but it was reversed about a year ago. I got offered a promo at work, twice in the same handful of months in fact, but I didn't take because it would've meant I would had to have quit the band and I would have never seen my family at home. Those are two of the biggest things in my life and I wasn't willing to trade them for a 15% annual pay increase. That's just me. It wasn't an easy decision at first. I wrestled with it for a few days, spoke to a few trusted friends, and I made the choice to turn the promo down. Both times. And I can tell you I am happier becasue of it. I've since seen 3 people come and go that took said position and it either completely burned them out or made them miserable. I'm strapped for cash constantly!!! haha but I am still happier. I get to see my girl and family every day of the week for the most part and I get to continue on with my band, growing and seeing how far we can take this thing.

There are times I wish I had more money but I know me and I know I would just find more ways to spend money if I had more of it. So I'm glad I didn't take the promo. In your case, if taking a promo at work is that much of a monetary significant difference for you to want to take it, take it. If the band doesn't understand that's their issue, not yours. It sounds to me like you've given them ample warning of your departure. And if they can't find a bassist in the state of Texas that is willing to play with them, they aren't looking for one.

Good luck man!!! Hope you find your way and don't have much of a hassle doing it.

 

[phillybass101]

Like the Bros Johnson. Look out for #1 and your Family first. I opted to stay home/local and raise a Family and it was the best decision for me. I even turn down mini tours as I'm vested on my day job and in less that 2 yrs will qualify for my Pension and SS Check. In my mind I say to myself (Dude you can't afford me) At that point in time I may do one of those Oldie but Goodie Mini Tours Just for Grins. Being on Tour is a Grind. Of course I can only speak for myself but my suggestion is do what's best for you and your Family and the Band comes second. Hard to believe they can't pick up another bassist in Austin. And "Making it" is just relative. After you "Make It" you really have to Grind to stay there.

 

[JimiLL]

sounds like they simply didn't try very hard to find a replacement; instead they're hoping they can guilt you into derailing your life - and it's sort of working

Yeah I wouldnt be happy with them

 

[ZAR14]

Back in the early 90s I was in a band and I told the guys upfront, I have a good job, and in No way shape or form am I going to jeopardize my job...

 

[electracoyote]

I agree that if these guys really are friends, and if you've shared good experiences, they should understand and not make your decision more difficult. Yours is not a flimsy excuse, it's a legitimate life choice.

I've never laid a guilt trip on any musician who quit a project I was part of, even if I harbored resentment. Not cool. Shake hands, try to part friends, life goes on, this too shall pass, etc.

I'm with others who are a little surprised that in one of the biggest music hubs in the country they can't land a replacement, and that's not a comment on your abilities or fit for the band. I'm certain there are qualified bass players in the Austin area who would take a chance with an originals project, especially one that is feeling compelled to tour to progress and build on what they've accomplished. Methinks they're not trying very hard and perhaps thinking that if you offered to keep a foot in the door they can pull you all the way back in. You may need to consider a clean break and force their hand.

 

[BassUrges]

Every band I've ever left was..."just about to make it big"

Stuart Sutcliffe is on TB? Wow, dude, cool to meet you!

 

[mancefine]

Thanks for all the responses guys. Pretty much echoed what I was already thinking. I know there are plenty of bassists in Austin, I do think it's a blend of the style (prog/alternative rock kind of like Incubus or Coheed, Pink Floyd, etc) not being super popular in town and them being too picky. Shoot, it also may be that people don't think the music is good enough. But they are in a good situation, have a 24/7 rehearsal space, a van for touring, guitarist is an engineer who has access to high quality studios often for free, singer is a graphic designer who can do the webiste, flyers, logos, merch designs, etc., for free. All members are in their late 20's and are easy going and dedicated. To me it seems like an ideal situation for a bassist wanting to do original rock music.

 

[j0llysnowman]

Bass playing Austinite here. That sounds like a pretty freaking solid gig to join, compared to what most bands have. My band has a dedicated space, but that's it.

Like, I'm tempted to ask you for details.

How hard did they look??

 

[LT131]

Family first then you will have no regrets. And, a happy wife.

 

[mancefine]

Bass playing Austinite here. That sounds like a pretty freaking solid gig to join, compared to what most bands have. My band has a dedicated space, but that's it.

Like, I'm tempted to ask you for details.

How hard did they look??

I guess not that hard. I brought up a few names to them and there was something wrong with all of them. As many have suggested, it is likely that they didn't look very hard and instead guilted me into staying. Heh, the more I think about it, the less bad I feel about leaving.