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Dear Abby...

Dear Abby,

I am am an Airman stationed at Lackland AFB. My parents live in the suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensonhurst, is married to a transvestite. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiance utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. Of course, I want to be totally honest with her, so, my problem is this: should I tell her about my cousin who is a bass guitar player?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation
 
Dear Abby,

I am am an Airman stationed at Lackland AFB. My parents live in the suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensonhurst, is married to a transvestite. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiance utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. Of course, I want to be totally honest with her, so, my problem is this: should I tell her about my cousin who is a bass guitar player?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

Dear Worried, Dear Worried
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up Buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood
 
I was once stuck in the middle of nowhere without a phone and I was out of gas. I had to walk in whatever direction I "thought" was safe to find some gas since I didn't pass a gas station for at least 20 miles. It was getting dark and it was a VERY rural area. No cars passing, just some farmland. Out of nowhere I see an old 1970's Chevy van pull up and my mom got scared, and said, 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.' I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, 'Nah, forget it. Yo, holmes to Bel-Air!' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie, 'Yo homes smell ya later!' Looked at my kingdom I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.
 
Man, you think you have it bad?

I have this group of friends, and I think I might be the only normal one. My girlfriend is SMOKING hot, but she's dumb as a box of rocks.

This other chick is super smart, she says the silliest things. And heaven forbid she ever loses her glasses. Blind as a bat.

The other guy has this dog. He's ALWAYS high, and I think his dog is, too. They are always hungry and always paranoid.

Anyway, we drive wround in a van and solve mysteries.