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Dilemma - What Would You Do?

B

Bulldog23

Jul 4, 2012
9
0
#1
I'm in a solid SF based 4 piece band, all young players, and everyone plays well. The band has been together for 5 years (started early) and I joined the group a year ago (I also play with several other bands and artists when we're not booked.) We recorded our first album which was released a few months ago, and have toured as direct support with some bands which were successful in the 80's. All band members are from Washington, except me.

Here's the situation:
A few weeks ago out of nowhere the rest of the band told me they were going to go back to Washington to clear their heads, saying they might be gone for a month, or could be 3 months. They invited me to go, but I told them I could not (job, etc.) I was not happy about this at all, but thought it was better they get out and clear their heads, and we'd regroup when they returned.

A few days after they left town, I received a hired gun call to cover for a weekend tour that was coming up soon. This was a favor for a friend who is also well connected. Since the guys were out of town, I booked the weekend and told our Manager I was unavailable for those dates - she confirmed.

About a week later our Manager called and said we had just been booked to open for another well known 80's band for the very same weekend that I was going to be gone. I reminded her that I was already booked for that weekend (there was also no time to find a sub for my other commitment.) She expected me to drop the gig I was booked for, as suddenly the rest of the band agreed to come back to do these gigs. Her call was followed by calls from my bandmates giving me a ration of %$#@ and questioning my loyalty.

Question -
Do I play the dates with my main band and bail on the commitment I had already made for the hired gun gigs (and potentially burn a bridge with a friend,) or do I stick by my word?
 
#5
Rule #1 I taught my kids. You say you're going to do something you do it. No matter if you can do a business deal more profitable elsewhere or you make a promise. Long term it always pays off that way in my opinion.

But then again I old school.
 
#7
I'd stick to your guns. They said they were leaving town without giving you an honest word as when they were likely to come back. Them deciding to come back this last minute on you isn't cool, especially considering they said it'd be at least a month.

I'd just lay it out to them like this, " Hey guys, I know you all want to do the gig (and I do too), but I had already made a commitment to help my friend out this one time. If there was a way for him to get someone else to cover the gig we would do it in a heartbeat, but right now that's proving to be impossible. This isn't a loyalty issue. It's a matter of commitment and keeping my word to my friend. I hope you guys understand.

And if they don't understand then they'll just have to get over it. Just remember to keep the spin of things on you trying to keep a word to your friend, and don't start turning it into, "Well you guys left town, blah blah blah..."
 
#8
dbd1963 said:
There's the right thing to do as a human being, and then there's the right thing to do as a musician.

You already know the right one as a human being, but as a musician, you simply *must* do the gig with your band. That's the bridge you don't want to burn.
Click to expand...
I have to respectfully disagree with your comment. His "band" said that they were going to be out-of-pocket for an undetermined amount of time, so he found a fill-in gig. Then, they decide to start playing again. My opinion, you should fulfill your commitment given for the fill-in gig. It may cost you your place in your original band, but it is the right thing to do. Again - my opinion only ! Your original band does not seem to know what they want to do. You, however - SHOULD know !
 
#9
I gather that your band knows all about the situation, but what about the friend you were doing the favor for, have you explained it to him and told him you're in a bit of a pickle? Could be he's more understanding than your band mates and could make the situation an easy one for you.
 
#10
Agreed. Do the gig with your band, and make over and above efforts to find a replacement for the hired gun gig. Then- and this is very important- have the come to jesus meeting with your band.

That part is the difficult part. You don't want it to be a "me vs. them" kind of thing. Make it a "we" discussion. Where are we going, how do we get there, what are the ground rules so that we don't screw up each other's lives and commitments, which woudl frustrate those goals. You can let them know what prompted it, but after that make it clear that teh commitemtn is the band and talking about these things is how you make a band work.
 
#12
dbd1963 said:
There's the right thing to do as a human being, and then there's the right thing to do as a musician.

You already know the right one as a human being, but as a musician, you simply *must* do the gig with your band. That's the bridge you don't want to burn.
Click to expand...

Not true. This sort of situation happens to in-demand musicians all the time, and it's always a first-come-first-served sort of thing, as far as which gig gets played. My drummer is in about 7 bands right now (he was in 10), and we understand that sometimes he simply has to miss because one of his other bands booked him first. That's the nature of the business unless your band is gigging so often that all members have to commit to that one band. Quite frankly, unless your band is in that situation no one should ever feel the need to be exclusive to any one band - let alone feel like they have to bend over backwards and break prior commitments to make a last minute gig that's being thrown on you.
 
#14
bolophonic said:
The band flaked out on you, so I wouldn't feel any obligation to change plans just because they suddenly got their heads cleared. They expected that you would be willing turn down gigs indefinitely until they returned?
Click to expand...

All good advice guys. JMATTBASSPLAYA - thanks for your input as well.

Another thing I haven't shared is there is a history of any of my input towards strategy, business, marketing, etc. being totally discounted from both my bandmates and the manager. However, if any of the same advice is provided by an outsider, suddenly its valid. I have much more experience than any of the other members. We make great music together and can hang out, but we are not on the same page at all when it comes to business decisions.

In the last few minutes I just received an ultimatum from the band - anything I want to do must be cleared through them first, and that any other gigs I book on open dates must be canceled if anything comes up for the band. In essence, they say "JUMP" and I say "HOW HIGH?"

I understand where the band is coming from with having the need to book gigs and know that everyone is available. However, I have a real problem with not being on the same page business wise, and them wanting to dictate my life. If I was on paid retainer and everyone was on the same page it might be different, but that's not the case.
 
#15
braud357 said:
I have to respectfully disagree with your comment. His "band" said that they were going to be out-of-pocket for an undetermined amount of time, so he found a fill-in gig.
Click to expand...

I don't think you can expect the other members of his band to be less than the usual myopic narcissists that musicians so commonly are. Unless he wants to leave the band, he has to honor the bands' gig, because I doubt his mates are going to understand it from his point of view, and it only takes one little thing for the new guy to get permanently placed on the crap list, and then replaced.

So I recommit to my advice: If you want to stay in that band, you will need to do that gig. Others have given good advice for how to handle what comes next -- though don't go so far as a "come to Jesus." Their scampering off to WA and planning a gig they knew (or should have known) you'd be unavailable for is already a message to you.

If you want to be a better human being, play for your friend and leave the band now.
 
#16
So seeing as you are the OP from this thread and this other one right here --> (Band Manager as Band Member?) it seems to me that you are in a very overbearing band environment. If their default answer is that you should break a promise to handle for their own inconsistencies then that is a sign of an immature band that you do not want to be a part of. It will just suck the life out of you having to worry about what is going to set them off next, especially if the singer's mother ("manager") is wanting majority of every penny you make and condoning this selfish behavior.

In my response to your question though I would say keep your commitment to your friend and do the hired gun gig. If your band has an issue with you keeping your commitment then realize that even you said yourself you get can get work as a fill-in fairly easily so finding a new band shouldn't be difficult. Besides, if what you say about your friend having good standing in the musical community you don't want the word that you're a flake get out there. It'll just make you seem unprofessional and make getting work in a new band difficult if this one falls through. You don't want to ruin your good name for a band that you've invested only about a year in, discounts your opinions on band matters, and thinks its appropriate to make mom a member of the band when you're all grown-ass adults just about.

Sorry for ranting though. That's just my passionate $.02. :D
 
#17
Bulldog23 said:
All good advice guys. JMATTBASSPLAYA - thanks for your input as well.

Another thing I haven't shared is there is a history of any of my input towards strategy, business, marketing, etc. being totally discounted from both my bandmates and the manager. However, if any of the same advice is provided by an outsider, suddenly its valid. I have much more experience than any of the other members. We make great music together and can hang out, but we are not on the same page at all when it comes to business decisions.

In the last few minutes I just received an ultimatum from the band - anything I want to do must be cleared through them first, and that any other gigs I book on open dates must be canceled if anything comes up for the band. In essence, they say "JUMP" and I say "HOW HIGH?"

I understand where the band is coming from with having the need to book gigs and know that everyone is available. However, I have a real problem with not being on the same page business wise, and them wanting to dictate my life. If I was on paid retainer and everyone was on the same page it might be different, but that's not the case.
Click to expand...

So you are already the "outsider" and have been for some time, given their latest behavior I doubt things are going to change. In your place I would simply say "Thanks, but no thanks." and move on, sounds like you can get plenty of gigs on your own.
 
#18
Nugun said:
So seeing as you are the OP from this thread and this other one right here --> (Band Manager as Band Member?) it seems to me that you are in a very overbearing band environment. If their default answer is that you should break a promise to handle for their own inconsistencies then that is a sign of an immature band that you do not want to be a part of. It will just suck the life out of you having to worry about what is going to set them off next, especially if the singer's mother ("manager") is wanting majority of every penny you make and condoning this selfish behavior.

In my response to your question though I would say keep your commitment to your friend and do the hired gun gig. If your band has an issue with you keeping your commitment then realize that even you said yourself you get can get work as a fill-in fairly easily so finding a new band shouldn't be difficult. Besides, if what you say about your friend having good standing in the musical community you don't want the word that you're a flake get out there. It'll just make you seem unprofessional and make getting work in a new band difficult if this one falls through. You don't want to ruin your good name for a band that you've invested only about a year in, discounts your opinions on band matters, and thinks its appropriate to make mom a member of the band when you're all grown-ass adults just about.

Sorry for ranting though. That's just my passionate $.02. :D
Click to expand...

Thanks for your feedback, NUGUN.
 
#19
Or you could tell all those things to your friend, explaining that your band isn't going to let you do this gig because of another one, say your really sorry and that you tried hard but didn't worked, etc...
If he's a REAL friend, he'll understand.
 

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