Etiquette of quitting

[gln1955]

You don't owe them a complete explanation other than maybe say the band is not meeting your needs any more, which is truthful and doesn't lay blame on anyone.

I think it's good to tell the BL first and offer to do the last gig if he wants you to. It's always best to leave on good terms with no burnt bridges, or at least make the other members burn them.

 

[jthisdell]

I would let the BL know asap, cover the last gig but give them notice before they schedule any more, keep rehearsals to a minimum to do the last gig, just say the other band has more interest to you and you want to commit to one band at this time

 

[Killing Floor]

For God's sake, don't be honest! The real reason you're leaving is because they suck!

Well yea, I mean be honest that you’re quitting and not on the fence about it.

 

[stringthrough]

1) Honor existing commitment(s) - That gig and rehearsals leading up to that gig
2) White lies have their place
3) Group text - Covers everyone, avoids in-person confrontation and/ or negative emotional reaction(s). Also lets you choose your words carefully and thoughtfully.

 

[JC BASS 91]

I always say a band is worse than a marriage, but both should be approached the same way: openness, honesty and communication. A marriage is far easier, in my opinion, because it is just you and one other person, but a band is you and who knows how many others.

I quit a band a little over a year ago. I liked the guys and I liked the music we were playing, but it was clear that the drummer was sabotaging us by doing what he could to keep us from getting to a point where we could start gigging, because he had admitted to me that he had "crippling stage fright". When I had realized that the band was never going to get out of the garage, I went to our normal rehearsal night, but didn't take my gear. I sat down and told them that I felt like the band had become stagnant after the two of them had elected to fire the vocalist, a vote from which I abstained. I told them I was out and I left. I still see them, and both have come out to support the band I am in, now. The guitarist and I are still friends and hang out occasionally.

My absolute FAVORITE band quit, though, is the way George Harrison quit the Beatles as shown in the documentary "Get Back". He just stands up, looks at the other guys and super calmly says something like, "Ok, well I'm going to quit the band now. See you guys in the clubs" and walks out without another word.

 

[dbsfgyd1]

I joined a cover band last year and over time I've stopped enjoying my time with the band. A few months ago I auditioned for and joined an established tribute band and am much happier playing music that's focused. We're starting to gig with the new lineup and it's fun and is elevating my playing. The tribute band sounds great whereas the cover band doesn't. The cover band has done some open mics but I didn't enjoy them because we sounded bad. In over a year I've improved but the band hasn't and I'm dreading rehearsals at this point.

I've finally accepted that I need to quit. It's not fair to them to string them along. We have one commitment in a month, which I will honor. Originally I'd planned to do the gig, then tell everyone at the next rehearsal afterwards so as not to bring everyone down beforehand, or immediately afterwards. But after this week's rehearsal I realized I can't put on a happy face for over a month, especially since they're talking about trying to perform more this summer. I need to nip things in the bud.

We are scattered so it's a burden to get everyone together just tobreak up with them. We just see each other at rehearsals. So, I have a few questions about the etiquette of quitting.

1. I am thinking of asking the band leader to talk on the phone over the weekend so I can start with him. I keep reading that you should tell the whole band at once but something says it will be worse to blindside him. One member is emotionally immature and is likely to take it badly, and I don't want what I hope is a short, friendly announcement to devolve into guilt tripping or otherwise managing her feelings. (She was the only member who had a issue with my joining another band and seems to think that we all have to swear an oath of loyalty or something.) I think thr band leader can help with that if he already knows my news. I thought we could talk through how he wants to handle letting the others know.
2. I have real reasons for quitting, several, but I want to keep it simple and also kind. Should I just "blame" it on the increasing demands of my new band? The truth is, even if that fell apart tomorrow I wouldn't want to go back to this cover band. I'm a little worried about using this reason since I want to pursue other band work (either another tribute or an originals band) so the "too busy" reasoning is going to look odd if i find time suddenly for something else (we're all connected on social media).
3. Related to 2, I've thought of telling them that I don't want to be in a cover band, because the musical styles are too scattered (in our case this is true) and I dont like a lot of standard cover tunes. However, I'm already talking to someone about a concept cover band (narrower genre, one I like) so that also seems dishonest.

I may be unnecessarily agonizing over this. I have trouble leaving things even when they're obviously not working out. They're good people and I've enjoyed a lot of aspects, but it's not happening for me musically. Any pointers?

Do a zoom meeting. State that you leaving the band for work related opportunities and leave it at that. You need to decide what you are going to do through the transition and inform them.

One thing you should realize as since the group which you were apart of made commitment on this gig, you’re not only committed to the gig but the preparation as well. The band is not likely to find a replacement ready in time for your gig mainly due to their relative talent level.

 

[Engle]

Thanks, everyone, for the good advice. I agree that keeping it really simple and not over-explaining is best. I hate difficult conversations like this, but it has to be done. Again, many thanks for the perspective and sounding board.

While honesty is the best policy, sometimes it's best not to go into details... and be a little selective with the truth.
It's a lot easier to stay on friendly terms if you "don't have time" for the cover band, rather than saying "you guys suck, this other band is much better"

 

[Hurricane Jimmie]

So Anyway, I've always called the BL to either leave immediately or give notice. It's up to him/her to inform the other band members. It's up to the BL and you to work out any gigs that are already booked or picking up equipment at a rehearsal space.
I don't give a critique of the band or give any specific reasons for leaving. 'It's time I moved on' is enough.
Then you're done and you haven't burned any bridges.
In most of my bands, I had a sub who would cover anything that was booked. That way I could give notice and be done.
You can't control the narrative no matter how you leave the band so don't worry about that.

Good Luck to you.

 

[BlueTalon]

I'm not expecting them to get someone else for that gig, and I'll be in for the rehearsals between now and then. My issue is that they're talking about new open mics or otherwise public sessions after that. At this point, it's getting awkward because I'm offering tight smiles and noncommittal answers when the topic of doing more performing comes up. I need to come clean.

Last year, I quit the band I'd been in for five years. The way I did it, I went to the BL's house and spoke with him face to face. I told him that my future is not with this band. I was on good terms with him and the drummer (the only other member), but I could see that the direction I wanted to go was not the same direction they wanted to go. In my case, I told him that I'd do all the gigs on the book, and if he gets more gigs, I'll do them too -- I'm not going to leave them hanging. But they need to be looking for a replacement.

They took it well. I'm still friendly with them, and vice versa, and if they ever have a need for a sub, I'm in. But in the time since I quit, I've seen how differently our directions have gone, and I wouldn't be happy if I was still part of that band.

 

[Bass Viking]

Thanks, everyone, for the good advice. I agree that keeping it really simple and not over-explaining is best. I hate difficult conversations like this, but it has to be done. Again, many thanks for the perspective and sounding board.

I hope it goes smoothly for you. It’s one thing for people to say you don’t need to get into details or the less you say the better while they’re sitting behind the safety of a computer keyboard. It’s another when you’re there face to face with the band, some of whom may feel blindsided by this sudden announcement. Best of luck!

 

[MegaSwing]

OP, it seems to me that you’ve given the cover band every benefit of the doubt—especially with no big money or major commitments on the line. You owe them nothing but a friendly, diplomatic farewell, and that’s up to them. Get on with your artistic endeavors.

 

[BigBadBen67]

I joined a cover band last year and over time I've stopped enjoying my time with the band. A few months ago I auditioned for and joined an established tribute band and am much happier playing music that's focused. We're starting to gig with the new lineup and it's fun and is elevating my playing. The tribute band sounds great whereas the cover band doesn't. The cover band has done some open mics but I didn't enjoy them because we sounded bad. In over a year I've improved but the band hasn't and I'm dreading rehearsals at this point.

I've finally accepted that I need to quit. It's not fair to them to string them along. We have one commitment in a month, which I will honor. Originally I'd planned to do the gig, then tell everyone at the next rehearsal afterwards so as not to bring everyone down beforehand, or immediately afterwards. But after this week's rehearsal I realized I can't put on a happy face for over a month, especially since they're talking about trying to perform more this summer. I need to nip things in the bud.

We are scattered so it's a burden to get everyone together just tobreak up with them. We just see each other at rehearsals. So, I have a few questions about the etiquette of quitting.

1. I am thinking of asking the band leader to talk on the phone over the weekend so I can start with him. I keep reading that you should tell the whole band at once but something says it will be worse to blindside him. One member is emotionally immature and is likely to take it badly, and I don't want what I hope is a short, friendly announcement to devolve into guilt tripping or otherwise managing her feelings. (She was the only member who had a issue with my joining another band and seems to think that we all have to swear an oath of loyalty or something.) I think thr band leader can help with that if he already knows my news. I thought we could talk through how he wants to handle letting the others know.
2. I have real reasons for quitting, several, but I want to keep it simple and also kind. Should I just "blame" it on the increasing demands of my new band? The truth is, even if that fell apart tomorrow I wouldn't want to go back to this cover band. I'm a little worried about using this reason since I want to pursue other band work (either another tribute or an originals band) so the "too busy" reasoning is going to look odd if i find time suddenly for something else (we're all connected on social media).
3. Related to 2, I've thought of telling them that I don't want to be in a cover band, because the musical styles are too scattered (in our case this is true) and I dont like a lot of standard cover tunes. However, I'm already talking to someone about a concept cover band (narrower genre, one I like) so that also seems dishonest.

I may be unnecessarily agonizing over this. I have trouble leaving things even when they're obviously not working out. They're good people and I've enjoyed a lot of aspects, but it's not happening for me musically. Any pointers?

I always just rip off the band aid. And I would tell them sooner than later out of respect for their need for time to find someone else. If that makes things uncomfortable that's on them and you can always just leave at that point.

I did a one-time show with a guy who was looking to put a band together but was terrible. When he approached me after the show and tried to put the sell on me I just said "I'm sorry, man. This isn't my gig." Simple, to the point, didn't leave any room for negotiation.

 

[Altitude]

Yeah. Just be honest and say it’s not getting you where you want to be and you aren’t do them any favors phoning it in either. May not be easy but it’s easier than maintaining.

Direct and honest and firm in your conviction is the right way. Sorry.

Thread could have ended here.

I’ll only add that unless you have personal relationships with other of the band members that are important to you, a live conversation with the band leader is sufficient.

 

[someguyfromNC]

A working band is like any other job. You shouldn’t care how the others feel if you really want out. Just tell them asap and not worry about it.

 

[1999 Epi]

I joined a cover band last year and over time I've stopped enjoying my time with the band.

Ask the cover band to play this tune:

& then pack up & go.

 

[Drop1]

Don't over think it.
I don't know how old you are, but this kinda sound like the way a younger person would think. Older people generally won't spend the time even thinking about it.
I know I wouldn't.
I'd call the band leader and tell them matter of factly I'm out in a respectful way and then I'd be out. It really is that easy. If anyone gets upset , understand you are not responsible for other people's feelings or success.
Also, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Doing so often has the opposite effect of what we want. We think we are letting them down easy, but thats not how it works. if fellimgs get hurt, they can twist anything you say. Hurt feeling often = irrational.
Just tell the leader you are out. Plain and simple. No apologizing, no list of reasons why. Give them nothing to argue with.

 

[BassDad1964]

Yeah. Just be honest and say it’s not getting you where you want to be and you aren’t do them any favors phoning it in either. May not be easy but it’s easier than maintaining.

Direct and honest and firm in your conviction is the right way. Sorry.

As is usual for Talkbass, the first response to these kinds of posts/questions are always the best answer.

 

[BassDad1964]

I just quit a great band full of great players that I really loved playing with. However, we didnt draw a crowd and it was just getting worse each gig. I knew the BL was going to take it hard and since we had already discussed as a band how to draw more people and had that quashed by the BL I decided to just tell them that I just want to play rock n roll again while I still can. (we were a country 80's-90's band). Simple explanation without getting personal.

 

[51PRI]

I'm not expecting them to get someone else for that gig, and I'll be in for the rehearsals between now and then. My issue is that they're talking about new open mics or otherwise public sessions after that. At this point, it's getting awkward because I'm offering tight smiles and noncommittal answers when the topic of doing more performing comes up. I need to come clean.

I say wait until after the gig to say anything, but, if you just HAVE to "come clean" before then only talk to the band leader and just simply state that you're leaving after that gig. No need to get into specifics or reasons why.

IMO, you only need to personally deal with the BL. It's not necessary to form the whole band just to tell them you're moving on.....

I agree. When you get a whole band together to tell them you're quitting they will start asking why, and what can we do to keep you, etc. and that's even assuming that nobody gets violent (I've seen that happen). Clean break after the gig and you have all of your gear, and teeth.

 

[Mannyinnewyork]

Whatever you (or anyone else says) say - never burn bridges.