Enjoy the benefits of a premium membership!
Upgrade Account
-
TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
Join free Log in
Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.
GF is the singer...band death sentence?
- Thread starter CultofJay
- Start date
It can be done. I was in a fairly successful band with a gf for several years. The only drama was caused by the alcoholic drummer and the diva drummer who replaced him-not us. And the other drama-free member-the guitarist-would absolutely agree with this statement.
Everybody knows my story, it broke up my last band.Women can change and you never know why.Music and being in a band is supose to be fun.
Can you imagine how fun it would be standing on stage after your GF has left you for some other guy and he comes to all of your shows with her. No fun.
Just thinking through possibilities --
Most bands don't last forever anyway. Like in That Thing You Do... "Ain't nothing can keep a band together... bands come and go." If the two of you work well together and can draw other musicians, why the hell not? Form a band and go ahead and play. It will last as long as it does and break up when it's run its course, same as any band would.
The real question is whether you and your girlfriend's relationship will survive the experience of the band. Will she promise up front that you can constructively criticize her singing in front of the band, and she'll still be happy to go home with you after? And do you know her well enough to know whether she'd keep such a promise? If the band crashes and burns will your relationship survive? If your relationship starts to come unraveled but the band is going well, will you be able to transition to just being bandmates without dragging the band into your drama?
I think there are a lot of landmines here but, if you're able to be really honest and mature with each other about these kinds of things, I don't see why not to give it a shot.
Most bands don't last forever anyway. Like in That Thing You Do... "Ain't nothing can keep a band together... bands come and go." If the two of you work well together and can draw other musicians, why the hell not? Form a band and go ahead and play. It will last as long as it does and break up when it's run its course, same as any band would.
The real question is whether you and your girlfriend's relationship will survive the experience of the band. Will she promise up front that you can constructively criticize her singing in front of the band, and she'll still be happy to go home with you after? And do you know her well enough to know whether she'd keep such a promise? If the band crashes and burns will your relationship survive? If your relationship starts to come unraveled but the band is going well, will you be able to transition to just being bandmates without dragging the band into your drama?
I think there are a lot of landmines here but, if you're able to be really honest and mature with each other about these kinds of things, I don't see why not to give it a shot.
You should be fine. I've been in a band with my wife for three years and it's been no trouble. I think it would have been more trouble if she wasn't in the band---it's a joint activity, and she has a much better idea now of what being in a band entails, so she's more understanding about my commitment to other projects.
Flaky people who live lives of high drama will find some way to kill a band or otherwise screw up their lives to the detriment of a band they're in. Sometimes it's a relationship with a bandmate, but if not that it would probably be something else.
But I think that two people in a strong and comfortable relationship should be able to handle being in a band together. Sometimes the other band members on the outside of the relationship don't like it, but since you're on the inside, you win!
Hey, never said I was perfect, or always live up to my screen name....turns out, they were right, anyway. She was way too high maintenance for me. Couldn't trust her at all. Dodged that bullet, and married me a good 'un.
The best original band I was ever in had a chick singer who was married to the drummer. Let me tell ya....when it went bad...it went bad fast. The chick singer developed all sorts of "diva" issues and her drummer husband was caught in the middle. He knew her shannigans were causing the band to implode but he couldn't do anything about it. He ended up having to basically choose between us and his wife (which was of course no choice at all) and it basically nuked the friendships. I haven't spoken with him since and thats too bad.
So tread very carefully. In our case, the band worked well for about a year but it can get very uncomfortable very fast once the disagreements start. You could very easily find yourself in a position where you agree with the other bandmates on something but cannot express it because you still wanna get laid later.
BEST advice here IMO. Not saying all situations will end up this way, but it has to be a very high percentage.
Honestly, if you love this girl, don't start a band with her. Do it for your relationship. Bands are like a relationship on their own, things will get hairy at some point...
Maybe write songs together as a duo, maybe record at home on your computer, stuff like that...but I'd advise leaving other musicians/band members out of it 100%...
A couple in my band breaking up nearly killed us before we'd gotten off our feet, rehearsals were bloody awkward for a long time, nearly caused myself and the singer to leave.
My guitarist and lead singer are married. I have no problem with it but I am the leader so that keeps things in check.
Even if you don't think it will create problems between you and your girlfriend (and it really may not), it is still possible that it will create problems for other band mates. And this has nothing to do with any kind of sexual tension (although that could happen too, I guess), but in terms of equilibrium, power, and notions of a truly equal democracy in a band context, however real they might seem) could become issues.
I think I have one of the best, most decent, giggable bands in the area that I happen to be in, but if I look at some of the deficiencies of the band (every band has some), a few of those are rooted in the fact that one member is married to another. This is sometimes a plus, but sometimes a minus.
I would generally recommend against such connectivity, but the heart is resistant to such notions of logic at times.
Not picking on you, specifically, but looking at your response as an example to reinforce, that how well such relationships work in a band is not and should not necessarily defined solely by whether the two individuals in the band can manage their own intrapersonal relations inside a band context, but how THE REST OF THE BAND handles this relationship, as well. Again, I mean nothing against what's going on in your specific band.
Sometimes, it works out great and sometimes not so good to be dating or married to band members.
A couple that worked out well.
Pat Benatar & Neil Geraldo
Rindy & Marv Ross of Quarterflash
Some that did not work out so well.
Fleetwood Mac
Heart
A couple that worked out well.
Pat Benatar & Neil Geraldo
Rindy & Marv Ross of Quarterflash
Some that did not work out so well.
Fleetwood Mac
Heart
My guitarist broke up with our singer (gf of 3 years) about 2 months ago, and nothing has been good since then. I don't think the band will last another month.
I totally agree with you. But with that said, what people do outside of a band can greatly impact it. For example, a heroin habit is going to affect the band, even if the member in question isn't shooting up at rehearsals and gigs. Likewise, I've experienced first hand how outside people, such as significant others, can negatively impact a band, even if they aren't trying to directly impact it.
Again, I wouldn't tell someone whom they could date or what they are allowed to do on their own free time, but some things that people do will affect the project.
Ha! Sounds like the majority of you think this project is dead before it even begins! I get it though. Some of you did make some good points about taking the lead on things and setting ground rules. I think having someone making most of the decisions for the band is always a good thing though. Discussing ways to keep any relationship problems separate from the band is a good point too. We're both mature enough to discuss problems without getting pissy with each other (one of the top reasons I like her) so I think this could work.
Your level of committment to each other will determine how much trouble it is.
If you're one of those people who breakup or get divorced wheneven the mood strikes or whenever you hit a rough patch, then yeah...you'll have trouble.
If you two are the types who will stick together no matter what happens with the world around you, then you'll probably be alright.
I can't speak from experience, though. I'd never be in a band with my wife because she's not a musician.
If you're one of those people who breakup or get divorced wheneven the mood strikes or whenever you hit a rough patch, then yeah...you'll have trouble.
If you two are the types who will stick together no matter what happens with the world around you, then you'll probably be alright.
I can't speak from experience, though. I'd never be in a band with my wife because she's not a musician.
Right after I was hired for my last project (almost three years ago), I mentioned that my wife was an awesome keyboard player. She ended up being the star (along with the male vox) of the band. I quit last January (but continued subbing for them), she quit in July. We started our current project almost a year ago. There's no question, playing together is one of the best things that ever happened for our marriage. And there's no drama (and no kissy-face) between us when we're rehearsing or gigging. We're just two musicians in the band.
That said, the OP isn't married. Dating situations make me a lot more nervous. Without commitment, there's always the risk of an implosion of the band, the relationship, or both.
-jb
That said, the OP isn't married. Dating situations make me a lot more nervous. Without commitment, there's always the risk of an implosion of the band, the relationship, or both.
-jb
Just to contradict the resounding amount of negativity towards this subject, I'll tell you about my more positive experience.
With about 2 weeks to go until my band's first show, our efforts to find a singer had failed miserably, and we had a 3 hour set to fill, made up of about 20-25 covers and about 10 original songs with no lyrics or vocal parts whatsoever. Out of desperation I asked my girlfriend of about 4 years at the time to fill the role, and within the two weeks she had learned all the covers, and written some pretty solid parts for all our original music. It's been about 2 years since then, and the band is doing well, and I see no negative effects to our relationship.
Here's what I think made it possible:
1. We're fairly mature and don't fight over stupid stuff to begin with, so we're not gonna let something like the band come between us. We're both in school and have other priorities in life other than the band, so it's not like a do or die situation. The band is just for fun. I think this is pretty important.
2. I'm not the band leader and I've made it clear to the band leader that I'm not responsible for telling our singer/my gf news about the band or problems he has with her or anything else. I will if it's convenient but I'm not gonna tell her she's doing something wrong and risk ending up in a personal conflict with her - it's just not my role in the band to break news to anyone, and the fact that she's my gf doesn't change that.
3. We rarely talk about the band when it's just the two of us. No particular reason for this, but it seems to have worked out. Our relationship hasn't changed with her joining the band.
If you think your situation could be similar to mine I'd say go for it. You can always leave the band if things get tough, and if you can't get over differences brought on by the band, then maybe you weren't meant to be to begin with
With about 2 weeks to go until my band's first show, our efforts to find a singer had failed miserably, and we had a 3 hour set to fill, made up of about 20-25 covers and about 10 original songs with no lyrics or vocal parts whatsoever. Out of desperation I asked my girlfriend of about 4 years at the time to fill the role, and within the two weeks she had learned all the covers, and written some pretty solid parts for all our original music. It's been about 2 years since then, and the band is doing well, and I see no negative effects to our relationship.
Here's what I think made it possible:
1. We're fairly mature and don't fight over stupid stuff to begin with, so we're not gonna let something like the band come between us. We're both in school and have other priorities in life other than the band, so it's not like a do or die situation. The band is just for fun. I think this is pretty important.
2. I'm not the band leader and I've made it clear to the band leader that I'm not responsible for telling our singer/my gf news about the band or problems he has with her or anything else. I will if it's convenient but I'm not gonna tell her she's doing something wrong and risk ending up in a personal conflict with her - it's just not my role in the band to break news to anyone, and the fact that she's my gf doesn't change that.
3. We rarely talk about the band when it's just the two of us. No particular reason for this, but it seems to have worked out. Our relationship hasn't changed with her joining the band.
If you think your situation could be similar to mine I'd say go for it. You can always leave the band if things get tough, and if you can't get over differences brought on by the band, then maybe you weren't meant to be to begin with
