Having a hard time with leaving my band

[buldog5151bass]

Why not speak with the rest of the band and see if they are as sick of it as you? Rather than you quitting, maybe the band fires the BL.

 

[coy garcia]

Been there. No reasoning with someone like that they will only try to blame another bandmate. The less you say the better, in private I would let the other guys know you enjoyed playing with them.

 

[BrotherMister]

Speak to the rest of the gang and get a gauge on how they feel. If everyone’s thinking about splitting because of the BL then why not split together and move forward as a unit?

Just be prepared that you might end up at the helm. People might want to leave and start a new thing but they might not want to be the ones who take control of the group. There is every chance of that being a reality if you are the one going about talking to them about things. I’ve been involved with groups of professionals and it not get off the group because no one wants to step forward and be the leader. So that’s something to consider, but if the current BL can do it then I’m sure you can do as well!

If no one else is bothered that should make moving forward alone a lot easier. You can’t put a price on peace of mind!

 

[jaco944]

Very similar situation for me just prior to Covid. The drummers wife had horned her way into the band I’d been in for many years with some of my best friends. I finally sent the message and walked away it was hard but worth it. You’ll find another band.

 

[M0ses]

So it's definitely time to go, and it'll open me up to new things, but I hate the thought that at my age (52) I might not get to play on those sorts of stages again.

Don't think like that, friend. Do NOT believe the hype surrounding youth in the music industry. You're not trying to sell two millions records internationally, you don't need to look 23. You still have many good playing years left in you, man!

 

[Wesley R]

I would talk it over or at least mention the topic of the BL with the others, and possibly fire the BL or start a new gig with who ever will jump with you.

If that does not work;

 

[bbh]

Find a replacement first. Then you may exit your current gig. You don’t want to get stuck wasting time looking and getting rusty in the process.

 

[Ewo]

I'm like-minded, with a lot of the comments above.

Here's my take on the decision/action tree:

Step 1: decide if you want to stick with this, or exit.

Step 2: if exit, keep gigging with them (better than nothing), and look around for something that suits you better.

Step 3: when something more appealing comes up, give notice.

 

[MikePlaysBass]

I’m surprised the venues put up with it. At some point if it keeps getting worse they will just stop asking you back to play. They’re paying you to do a job. They expect you to be professional and if you want to get wasted, do it on your time and not theirs.

 

[Huw Phillips]

Life is too short to have to deal with this kind of sh12

 

[Montana Matt]

Gigging with drunks is not better than nothing IMHO. Given the choice, I'd take nothing. It's kind of gospel around here but worth mentioning again. The music, the hang, the money. If two of those three are good, it's worth sticking out until something better comes along. If not, I'd leave today.

 

[ToneMonkey]

Ultimately only you can control your effort level, attitude, and whether to quit. It’s one of the hardest things to do... let go of the bird in the hand when there’s no guarantee of another situation. I’d suggest that certain people take full advantage of that, and not in a good way.

 

[Shalto]

+1

When was the last time someone (not a musician anyway) said, "Yea, the drummer and bass player rocked, but that frontman ..."

It might not be fair, but I'd agree. Many (most?) will takeaway that the band was disappointing and drunk rather than recognising that one of the performers was off.

 

[Shalto]

I'm like-minded, with a lot of the comments above.

Here's my take on the decision/action tree:

Step 1: decide if you want to stick with this, or exit.

Step 2: if exit, keep gigging with them (better than nothing), and look around for something that suits you better.

Step 3: when something more appealing comes up, give notice.

Yep, unless it's unbearable you can always start applying for new groups now and leave when you get the gig. It's what most people do when unsatisfied with their day job after all..

 

[Nephilymbass]

Well, I've decided it's time for me to leave the band I've been with for many years. The band leader is an alcoholic who, after slightly more than halfway through a gig, ruins the rest of of it because he's too drunk to remember what song we're playing, let alone what verse we're in or how the song goes. I'm SO tired of that. Plus I'm not philosophically or musically aligned with anyone else in the band, and I'm just tired of putting in tons of rehearsal hours only to see them all get flushed once the BL gets too drunk.

But, I'm having a surprisingly hard time sending the email to quit. We do have great harmony vocals together, and I love the stages we play on--full PA, subs, etc--and I love the feeling of getting kicked in the back by the subwoofers. But, I really hate having the music get ruined by the BL. The rest of us have talked to him SO many times about keeping a lid on his alcohol consumption but it has never stuck--gigs are his private beer party and I feel like I'm just providing party music for him. So it's definitely time to go, and it'll open me up to new things, but I hate the thought that at my age (52) I might not get to play on those sorts of stages again.

Ok, thanks for letting me vent.

Tom

My longtime band had to kick a guy out for his alcohol addiction. We struggled dealing with him and the situation for years. Would have meetings about and sit down with him. Had all kinds of stipulations that no band should ever have to do. “Ok only two drinks before we play and then you can do whatever you want after” “ok no drinking at all until after we’ve played” nothing ever worked. He was truly an addict. To the point of trying to hide drinks from other band members seeing. He even had a girlfriend who would participate in hiding his drinks because she was also an addict and didn’t see the problem. Drinking out in the parking lot or even showing up drunk. But it was always obvious when we were onstage and he would slur his words and be out of breathe. Eventually his addiction led to him ending up behind bars. He couldn’t keep a job because he was sick all the time. He would knock on his moms door at 3am because he didn’t have a place to stay. And by that time he was like 30 years old. Eventually his own mother got a restraining order and he was eventually arrested for trespassing, and none of his car stuff was legal. His license was suspended, tags expired and had no insurance. He missed a gig because he had to spend the weekend in jail and that was the last straw. Good friend of mine since high school. VERY talented vocalist when he was sober. Honestly the amount of god given talent this guy has and how he pissed it away was probably what ate at me the most. And a big part of why I stopped drinking regularly. Anyways he’s out of the scene now. Moved a few hours away and settled down. Kicking him out of the band sucked but if we continued to enable him. And by “we” I me the band and our fans because our fans would often buy him drinks and give him a couch to crash on , I honestly think he would be dead by now. Sometimes you have to make a tough call to do the right thing. So personally If I was in your situation I would talk to the other band members and if rest of the band was not down to move forward without this person I would walk away. Alcohol addiction can be a very bad thing. I know because it’s legal a lot of people don’t take it seriously. I went through it myself for a few years. For me it was a social thing. When I was at my worst I’d get off work and go to a bar like 3 times during the week then I’d drink after gigs on the weekend. Didn’t even care where, it was pretty much based on who had the better drink special I liked that night. For me the worst it got was going to like strip clubs because here the girls pay the club to work so the bars will do crazy drink specials like $1 house cocktails, 25 cent draft beer, and $2 “you call it” eventually I didn’t like what my life had become. Decided to go back to school. Going to school and working at the same time helped me gradually decrease how much I drank, because I was often too tired to go to a bar after a long day of class and work. Then I met my wife through a classmate. My wife is the type that will drink maybe once or twice a year if that. So instead of ending up at sleazy clubs we’d hang out and watch movies. Now I can count the times I get “buzzed” in a year on one hand. I’ll go sometimes months at a time without a single drink. I’ve even gone as far as to have bartender friends at gigs make me drinks that were nonalcoholic just to avoid people giving me any crap.

 

[Paul Weekes]

Well, I've decided it's time for me to leave the band I've been with for many years. The band leader is an alcoholic who, after slightly more than halfway through a gig, ruins the rest of of it because he's too drunk to remember what song we're playing, let alone what verse we're in or how the song goes. I'm SO tired of that. Plus I'm not philosophically or musically aligned with anyone else in the band, and I'm just tired of putting in tons of rehearsal hours only to see them all get flushed once the BL gets too drunk.

But, I'm having a surprisingly hard time sending the email to quit. We do have great harmony vocals together, and I love the stages we play on--full PA, subs, etc--and I love the feeling of getting kicked in the back by the subwoofers. But, I really hate having the music get ruined by the BL. The rest of us have talked to him SO many times about keeping a lid on his alcohol consumption but it has never stuck--gigs are his private beer party and I feel like I'm just providing party music for him. So it's definitely time to go, and it'll open me up to new things, but I hate the thought that at my age (52) I might not get to play on those sorts of stages again.

Ok, thanks for letting me vent.

Tom

Tom, get out and find another gang. You're never too young. However you are experienced enough to know that when dealing with musicians all bets are off unless proven otherwise. Play on...

 

[Dana R Gregory]

If the BL is the problem then why cant you and the other members fire him. If it is his band, the mass quit and form your own band without him. Good luck.

 

[marijn van gils]

After quitting bands,
I have never regretted quitting,
but I have often regretted not quitting earlier...

 

[QORC]

I've never regretted quitting except one time (I quit because his work was too seasonal and I thought I'd find something better, when in reality, I could have done this guy's band AND something else to this day).

my biggest regret? my own behavior in the one important/popular band led to me ultimately being fired. I could have/should have been a little smarter. but I wasn't . life goes on

 

[John Webb]

Does the BL know that his drinking is causing problems?
Do you need this BL for the band to carry on without him?
Are the other band members willing to carry on with out him?
Change is good....change is necessary.
To change the people, sometimes you have to change the people.