Having a hard time with leaving my band

[sawzalot]

Well, I've decided it's time for me to leave the band I've been with for many years. The band leader is an alcoholic who, after slightly more than halfway through a gig, ruins the rest of of it because he's too drunk to remember what song we're playing, let alone what verse we're in or how the song goes. I'm SO tired of that. Plus I'm not philosophically or musically aligned with anyone else in the band, and I'm just tired of putting in tons of rehearsal hours only to see them all get flushed once the BL gets too drunk.

But, I'm having a surprisingly hard time sending the email to quit. We do have great harmony vocals together, and I love the stages we play on--full PA, subs, etc--and I love the feeling of getting kicked in the back by the subwoofers. But, I really hate having the music get ruined by the BL. The rest of us have talked to him SO many times about keeping a lid on his alcohol consumption but it has never stuck--gigs are his private beer party and I feel like I'm just providing party music for him. So it's definitely time to go, and it'll open me up to new things, but I hate the thought that at my age (52) I might not get to play on those sorts of stages again.

Ok, thanks for letting me vent.

Tom

 

[lfmn16]

You can't fix a drunk. They can only fix themselves.

Who says you can't find another band playing those sorts of stages again? I found a band at 55 that was a former regional act and we opened up for some national acts, played huge stages, put out a CD, I got asked for my autograph at most shows. I had a great run with them, the best musicians I'd every played with. I'd still be with them, but the band broke up due to one of the member's health issues.

Keep looking, there are other bands out there.

 

[Jason Stock]

I walked from a band years ago for a very similar reason. We had great shows, great stages and a lot of talent (it really improved me as a musician) but the LS would get wasted drunk and other bad powdery substances, even walked off stage wrecked in the second set and never returned (we had just enough material that I could sing and the LG could sing to fake a third set) but that was it for me.

In the end, it is your reputation also. People don't remember that the BL sucked, they remember that the band was disappointing. No matter the reason. Sorry you are having to go through this sawzalot and I hope you find a better band with people that want to play and entertain.

 

[MG Wolf]

Active addiction takes LOTS of hostages.

I would recommend clearing space in your life for something better, you never know what's in store.

Good Luck, and I would recommend keeping your departure as positive as possible and about you.

 

[LBS-bass]

You've gotten good advice so far. Are the others also bothered by this? If so, you might be able to work out something new from some of the leftover pieces.

Something else that bugs me is that this band can end up on great stages with someone that wasted every show. Who is hiring bands that do this, and why? It's kind of a slap in the face to all of us who work hard to bring our best to the stage.

 

[TNCreature]

As Roy Orbison sang, "It's Over"

 

[Jazzdogg]

It takes courage to initiate change, but it is worthwhile. Think of it not in terms of what you'll be giving up, but in terms of freeing yourself to live your life in a way that's congruent with your values and beliefs. You can do this!

 

[sean_on_bass]

It's tough, but i tend to do this stuff quick like a bandaid. You are making a very sound decision. Don't overthink it, and just hit send on that email. You will find a better group, and they can find another bass player if they want to.

 

[Killing Floor]

Why don't you fire the band leader? OK, you can't fire them if they are the boss. But you all can have a conversation without the BL and you can propose everyone quitting and moving on together if only the BL is the real issue. Sounds like other than that you might want to stick around?

 

[lfmn16]

In the end, it is your reputation also. People don't remember that the BL sucked, they remember that the band was disappointing.

+1

When was the last time someone (not a musician anyway) said, "Yea, the drummer and bass player rocked, but that frontman ..."

 

[sawzalot]

You've gotten good advice so far. Are the others also bothered by this? If so, you might be able to work out something new from some of the leftover pieces.

Something else that bugs me is that this band can end up on great stages with someone that wasted every show. Who is hiring bands that do this, and why? It's kind of a slap in the face to all of us who work hard to bring our best to the stage.

Yeah, great point. The number of venues we play at has steadily dropped over the last couple of years, sort of in lock step with the level of drunkenness the BL displays. The crowd is always pretty good, but I'm certain the BL's behavior is part of the cause.

 

[Clever Moniker]

I like the idea of seeing what the other band members think and possibly reconvening with a new singer. I can't believe you're the only one who hates what's going on.

Don't be afraid to take the next step - you'll be amazed at how much better you feel with this weight off your shoulders. And you'll be amazed at how much more energy you have without this situation dragging you down.

 

[QORC]

i just quit a band because the singer was not good enough and never seemed to improve and then a drunk guitarist ruined the last show. And all these guys were friends. I just told them, hey, I'm done. This isn't for me. it wasn't that hard. I never explained precisely why but they knew. I did it right after the ruined show. I really like the singer, but he frankly could never learn lyrics. Even with lyrics sheets on the monitor, he was screwing up songs. and he blathered on with the SAME blather between songs. Every time. And too long. I had told him that gosh isn't it time you practiced on your own and learned these tunes?? but he never improved. the drunk guitarist was the last straw.

so don't feel bad. listen to your gut. This isn't for you. you keep soften the blow by telling him that you'll not only help them find your replacement, but you'll cover shows until the replacement is ready

 

[JRA]

I hate the thought that at my age (52) I might not....

rule #1: never give up!

whatever decision you make about this band = you move forward (or try) until you can make something of what you've got...then you make that better --- or as good as it can possibly be. rinse and repeat when necessary. you don't quit thinking about the possibilities until you quit thinking! musicians just do that. they can't help it.

if was me: i'd be playing all of this band's gigs while i scoped out other possibilities (including: 'firing' the BL and reorganizing with the others).

IME/IMO: sending the email before you have a plan for your next move is premature. you're admittedly ambivalent --- think things over and come up with some plans/alternatives for yourself. first! good luck!

 

[dalkowski]

it's definitely time to go, and it'll open me up to new things

Focus on this, plus all of the above.

 

[EatS1stBassist]

Well, I've decided it's time for me to leave the band I've been with for many years. The band leader is an alcoholic who, after slightly more than halfway through a gig, ruins the rest of of it because he's too drunk to remember what song we're playing, let alone what verse we're in or how the song goes. I'm SO tired of that. Plus I'm not philosophically or musically aligned with anyone else in the band, and I'm just tired of putting in tons of rehearsal hours only to see them all get flushed once the BL gets too drunk.

But, I'm having a surprisingly hard time sending the email to quit. We do have great harmony vocals together, and I love the stages we play on--full PA, subs, etc--and I love the feeling of getting kicked in the back by the subwoofers. But, I really hate having the music get ruined by the BL. The rest of us have talked to him SO many times about keeping a lid on his alcohol consumption but it has never stuck--gigs are his private beer party and I feel like I'm just providing party music for him. So it's definitely time to go, and it'll open me up to new things, but I hate the thought that at my age (52) I might not get to play on those sorts of stages again.

Ok, thanks for letting me vent.

Tom

Your band is only as good as your worst musician.

 

[DirtDog]

Active addiction takes LOTS of hostages.

I would recommend clearing space in your life for something better, you never know what's in store.

Good Luck, and I would recommend keeping your departure as positive as possible and about you.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

 

[TheReceder]

1... You play bass.
2... You're obviously not an idiot.
3... You can sing.


If you let people know you're available... someone will find you.

 

[mrcbass]

I just broke ties with a band. They made the call but I was on the verge of quitting. I spent a month worrying over this because 1)I liked the security of being in a band and hadn't really explored options yet and 2) didn't want to let them down.

I played a sub gig with them last weekend and once I approached the situation from a different perspective, I recognized exactly why I was wanting to quit and told the BL that I would probably not be interested in subbing any more.

It felt very good to close the chapter.

I know it's hard, but just do it.

 

[Slough Feg Bass]

Why not just start singing songs without the BL ? like when he gets drunk just have him play tambourine on the side or something, and then you and the others do songs without him ?