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Help dealing with bandmate's relatives.

#21
You realize you and the drummer are the harder band mates to replace?
Practice somewhere else a few times. No need to get into a shouting match, just go practice somewhere else and freeze out your guitar friend a few times.

On the long term, don't practice at the guitar "Hawking Father's" place.

He had no right to front you like that.

What I've just given you is called passive aggression, or passive resistance. It works way better than confrontation!
 
#23
I'm going to take a little different tack here - yes what he said was rude and inappropriate - but unless this is repeated behavior maybe he was just having a bad day? Is there any one of us that can say we have never snapped at a friend, family member, acquaintance, co-worker, etc after putting up with massive bs at work all day? And maybe he really does just want to help you guys but is frustrated because he doesn't know how?

And it sounds to me like the guy may have some real cred. You don't have that kind of success in Nashville without a lot of hard work, talent, knowledge, and a certain amount of luck.

If I were you I'd take him aside right away, tell him you're interested in learning all you possibly can and want to be the best player you can be, and ask what advice he can give you. Be humble and earnest, maybe even ask if he'd sit down at the piano and work through some tunes with you. If he's truly a decent hardworking musician I'll bet you he will bend over backwards to help you if he sees you're really interested in learning. And you may possibly gain an ally and mentor for life.

On the other hand if you tell him to piss off you won't learn anything and you may have made an enemy. And remember, you just never know who may be the one to help you in the future.

But please at least try taking him aside alone and talking to him. What have you got to lose? You could have a lot to gain. And let us know how it goes.
 
#24
You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

Have a band meeting away from the guy's house and let the guitarist know that you'll walking if he doesn't tell his dad to stay out the band's rehearsals and such.

His dad is a bully and looking for targets. He waited until the drummer(his son) wasn't around to unload on you. He picks his targets well. If his son was there, the son would probably tell him to get lost.

He thinks that because you rehearse at his "awesome" house and his musical experience that he has leverage over you, i.e, that you won't quit the band because of his awesomeness.

He has probably emotionally/verbally abused his son/wife/etc. for years and to everyone in the family this is "normal" so they just go on day to day emotionally numbed and brainwashed.

I doubt if talking to him will make any difference.

Remember, free speech is a two way street.

You don't have to suffer indignity or be treated as a peon to be taught something. Having someone yell at you, condescend to you or generally convey their message with a less than congenial tone says more about them than you. It also speaks to what their motivation actually is in communicating this way.

2+2=4, always, no matter how it is said.

Good luck.
 
#25
rms2 said:
I'm going to take a little different tack here - yes what he said was rude and inappropriate - but unless this is repeated behavior maybe he was just having a bad day? Is there any one of us that can say we have never snapped at a friend, family member, acquaintance, co-worker, etc after putting up with massive bs at work all day? And maybe he really does just want to help you guys but is frustrated because he doesn't know how?

And it sounds to me like the guy may have some real cred. You don't have that kind of success in Nashville without a lot of hard work, talent, knowledge, and a certain amount of luck.

If I were you I'd take him aside right away, tell him you're interested in learning all you possibly can and want to be the best player you can be, and ask what advice he can give you. Be humble and earnest, maybe even ask if he'd sit down at the piano and work through some tunes with you. If he's truly a decent hardworking musician I'll bet you he will bend over backwards to help you if he sees you're really interested in learning. And you may possibly gain an ally and mentor for life.

On the other hand if you tell him to piss off you won't learn anything and you may have made an enemy. And remember, you just never know who may be the one to help you in the future.

But please at least try taking him aside alone and talking to him. What have you got to lose? You could have a lot to gain. And let us know how it goes.
Click to expand...

+ 1
 
#32
TRichardsbass said:
Interesting sides to this.

The father's criticism is probably spot on, if you take the emotion out of it. Its worthy of listening to and working at improving.

However, if he is going to be an arsewipe bully, he does need to be reminded of his place. I'm not exactly sure how you would do this in his case. If he has all the creds you say then he could be an extremely powerful ally. If he is just some studio shlub (yes, there are some great ones who have played on gold and platinum records but by and large will always be faceless, nameless and in some cases not worth knowing) then he might not be able to do more then get you studio ready.

Funny, I am curious why he said if there was a bass lying around he would have come up with a better line. KEYBOARDISTS USE THEIR LEFT HAND FOR BASS LINES! I will sometimes come up with lines on the keys then move them over to my bass. If this guy can't use his keyboard to come up with them, then I'd wonder how talented he really is. This to me is put up or shut up. He listens, and then criticizes you. He could have just run over to his keyboard and showed you a better line or idea.

Sounds like you are not in a band, you are your friends backing band, at least in his eyes. This is a no win situation.

To deal with him professionally, just keep being polite and thanking him for his advice and playing only the stuff you want to play in the way you want to play it. Only two things can happen. 1-He will get frustrated and stop coming to practice. or 2-He will get frustrated and have your guitarist kick you out of the band. Both are good, as if its number one you win. If its number two, you don't want to be in a band where a dad has power to say if you are in it or not, anyway.
Click to expand...

This +1

Not that I'd let him run the show, but I almost wish we had someone with this sort of BG that told it like it is, let's face it, at 20 you feel like you know everything, and not fair on being rushed on your part but maybe the guitarist had it in mind for you to be more collaborative and maybe have something worked up long before he even mentioned it 20-30 mins out of practice.

Someone else said it, be the better man, he does deserve respect but you don't deserve the verbal abuse, unless he's naturally abrasive and I've found some people are... You might have to adjust to him, his Son obviously has, otherwise he'd have asked dad to leave. If he offers advice give it a shot, if he manages to give you a better idea of a bass line try it....

When the time comes he might have a phone number in his Blackberry that can get you in front of the right people, and a good chance his words carry weight with those people...

I'd keep that in mind.
 
#35
Having a guy who will stand up and tell you when something is bad, that's a valuable resource. Nothing worse that a bunch of "You're greats" when you ain't. Listen & learn. When he says its good enough, it will be, and you can believe him.

Of course, you can never discount the possibility that he's an utter idiot, too.
 
#36
Nagrom said:
Having a guy who will stand up and tell you when something is bad, that's a valuable resource. Nothing worse that a bunch of "You're greats" when you ain't. Listen & learn. When he says its good enough, it will be, and you can believe him.

Of course, you can never discount the possibility that he's an utter idiot, too.
Click to expand...

You should listen to this guy Nagrom Pops is a pro and has been around the block. You said yourself that you did not spend much time on the new bass line. Take the truth...it sucked. So he tells you this and you pack up and go home? Yep, that is the way to get better. The last thing you want to be is the weakest link in a band. This is music, save your ego for the stage. Practice is the time to hone your skills, not get applause. So the guy is abrasive, ignore the tone and take the notes. Not everyone talks sweetly and strokes your head. ESPECIALLY in this business. Pepsi generation....Do some push ups and get back to practicing.
 
#38
I think many of the "Tell dad to GTFO"-type comments are coming from non-homeowners.

We've all heard the saying, "A man's home is his castle" and you know what a castle is, right? Yeah, the home of a king. And we know what a king is, don't we?

Anyone who has worked to acquire a home would understand that you don't tell someone that (or kick them in the nuts) in their own house. And you would realize that comments like those make you look like a juvenile dumbass.

I don't care how he acts in his own home, as long as it's not illegal. If you don't like it, YOU can GTFO. If you don't want to experience it again, don't go back.

I would love to see how some of you with the "GTFO" posts would react if someone you invited into your own home started telling you how to behave. Wait... you don't own a home, do you?
 
#40
hmmm...........tough call
Daddy is an expereinced producer, more than likley with good connections yet talking to you in a disrespectful way. no need for that

of course, the initial thought would be to tell him to go fornicate with his hat
but that would lead to greater conflict (but bet would feel good)

if you want to keep him around, I suggest talking to him
about the incident in a respectful way
that you valus his expereince and are willing to accept any criticism if presented in contructive way.

think you'll find he will be more respectful
 

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