Thanks everyone. Really helpful. To the select few people who think they are tough sh1t. I wanted people's opinions on what they thought was right. If you don't like what you read, click the back button and keep scrolling. No one is impressed that you thought you was cool.
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Help "letting go" a band member
- Thread starter JimboSlice423
- Start date
Well I do NOT really understand what the "REAL" problem is.
Drummer Sucks
Drummer Cant keep time
Drummer Can't tune his skins
Drummer don't show up
Drummer claims everyone else needs more practice
Is the solution not OBVIOUS ?
If NOT
WHAT is the REAL problem.
The issue is that this is my first band. I have never fired anyone. Our band is like family. Try telling your mom that she sucks at being a mom so you are replacing her. A band need to be like family, or else it's like work. What's the point in being in a band if its work. We love what we do, and we love doing it. So I was just trying to find a way from people who may have delt with this before, on how to handle the situation. I completely understand that it needs to be done, just trying to get some opinions how.
Your answer is above. You don't have to be married to your bandmates to make great music.
Honesty My good Man, Honesty.
I recognize that he is your "friend"
but I submit that a REAL friend would NOT have treated you with apparent disdain, disregard, and disrespect.
NOT my idea of a friend.
Be Honest with the guy.
I know I am NOT the most ingratiating,empathetic, politically correct person around.
However anyone that knows me will confirm that
1. I would do anything for anybody,anytime.
2. I will tell you like it is, no B.S.,no coddling.
3. I will NOT lie to you.
And I will not push my opinions or thoughts on you, hence if you don't want MY answer, don't ask the question.
BUT
If you disrespect ME, I would not urinate on you if you were on fire.
In my opinion, you are incorrect about the people in the band being like family.
A band is a JOB.
Then, so is ANY relationship.
Based on your statements I would strongly doubt the validity of this cats Friendship.
Obviously HE does NOT value your friendship.
I would tell him the straight truth, sack him, and wouldn't lose a bit of sleep over FAUX Friends feelings being hurt.
HE has hurt your feelings FIRST.
It is apparent.
Now do what you want.
But remember.
YOU asked.
I recognize that he is your "friend"
but I submit that a REAL friend would NOT have treated you with apparent disdain, disregard, and disrespect.
NOT my idea of a friend.
Be Honest with the guy.
I know I am NOT the most ingratiating,empathetic, politically correct person around.
However anyone that knows me will confirm that
1. I would do anything for anybody,anytime.
2. I will tell you like it is, no B.S.,no coddling.
3. I will NOT lie to you.
And I will not push my opinions or thoughts on you, hence if you don't want MY answer, don't ask the question.
BUT
If you disrespect ME, I would not urinate on you if you were on fire.
In my opinion, you are incorrect about the people in the band being like family.
A band is a JOB.
Then, so is ANY relationship.
Based on your statements I would strongly doubt the validity of this cats Friendship.
Obviously HE does NOT value your friendship.
I would tell him the straight truth, sack him, and wouldn't lose a bit of sleep over FAUX Friends feelings being hurt.
HE has hurt your feelings FIRST.
It is apparent.
Now do what you want.
But remember.
YOU asked.
Jimbo, you want a new drummer to play with and you don't want to fire your friend.
Make a 2nd band with your guitarist. Find a drummer and a keys player for that, or something to explore a somewhat different sound. Then just let your current band wither on the vine. Drummer's already skipping rehearsals. That band doesn't have much time left anyway.
No need to fire the drummer or do shiesty moves like you and the guitarist quitting and starting a 'new' band. Just start a 2nd band and let nature take its course.
Make a 2nd band with your guitarist. Find a drummer and a keys player for that, or something to explore a somewhat different sound. Then just let your current band wither on the vine. Drummer's already skipping rehearsals. That band doesn't have much time left anyway.
No need to fire the drummer or do shiesty moves like you and the guitarist quitting and starting a 'new' band. Just start a 2nd band and let nature take its course.
I see many musical disappointments in your future.......
Attachments
Just be honest and tell him what's up. Do it as nicely and firmly as possible. Doesn't sound like a very good friend after all that's been said. But, if he is, he'll understand the break and hell get over it. If this is your first band, I understand you're in a hard spot. Hard spots call for hard decisions sometimes. Do what you gotta do. If you don't, the band will suffer greatly given the circumstances and it won't go anywhere. Unless you want to keep him as the drummer that's not good and the band wont go anywhere for the sake of you being to fearful of what this so called friend will do if you fire him. Clearly you have choices. It just depends on which one you choose that makes your future with this band slow and possibly full of failure, or the possibility of a "new" band that has members who can all play and make practice and have a shot at doing something productive and fun. I understand your philosophy of the band being a family. Others may disagree, but as stated above, it is a lot of hard work and dedication too. If all the members aren't on the same page with that then it's mostly a waste of time in most cases. Depends on how serious you and the other members are about the project/band.
Look, to all of you 'hard' guys- you miss the point. Its not a serious band. Its three buddies hanging out. Not worth friendships over. If the OP is serious about music, he'll find like minded souls. These guys just aren't it.
But the seriousness is the actual problem. According to the OP, he and the guitar player are serious cats and the drummer isn't. This is likely the core of the problem: 2 dudes who perceive that they're ready for the next level, and one dude who for whatever reason isn't meeting the expectations of the others.
The simple solution is for this band to sit down and have a chat with one another, drummer included, and assess their objectives. Most bands can't do that, serious or not serious, because that requires honesty and most people in most walks of life can't be straight with each other. Proper friendships are born of proper honesty and nothing less. If the OP reckons he can't see the value in this then he should go ahead and just fire the dude because he's not actually friends with him.
Sure. But my take is that none of them are really serious. They're not.
On the other hand, I could be wrong.
On the other hand, I could be wrong.
Just strike up a conversation with him about it. He may have already decided it wasn't for him. If he says he wants to keep pursuing the project then it's time to give it to him straight but as a friend. Life's too short to "spin your wheels". I recently joined a band that was already gigging and needed a Bass player. It's a whole lot easier than banging your head against the wall with a band that's going nowhere. Starting a band takes equal commitment from all members and a fairly equal amount of talent.
My advice was that where there is no honesty, there is no real friendship. That's not band advice. That's life advice.
Family? Friends? I don't want family and friends who will lie to me. Do not lie to me. It is always wrong. You're worried about hurting my feelings? Let me worry about my feelings, thank you. I'm an adult.
The OP is about lying. We don't lie to each other, and then pretend we are somehow "friends." You don't have to be cruel about it, but you do have to be honest.
It's really not optional.
Thank you guys so much. We are just going to be honest with him and tell him. You guys have been a lot of help. I appreciate it.
Just remember:
If you do the RIGHT thing, and it goes BADLY, then chalk it up to learning about life. And also remember, sometimes things go very badly, and then end up turning out OK. Especially with real friends. I have friends in this life that, at one time or another, we weren't even speaking, and over the years ended up becoming like brothers and sisters to me.
Play for the long game.
