Help me craft my exit email

[oldcatfish]

5.5 years with this band. Mostly good. Some really large venues. But I'm tired of the BS. My tolerance level is low for the nonsense eminating from the husband and wife who run the band. I have some inner anger and I won't go into the details. I simply want to finish the two large gigs that are in the next two weekends and to leave on a high note and with grace. I want something more than the typical "it's time for me to move on and I wish you the best of luck" message. Anyone want to assist me?

-I hung onto one band until it was too late. I had a lot of stress going on in my life (some unrelated to the band) and I rage quit…and said some things that I regretted. I later apologized for what I said, but I still feel bad for it getting so personal.

—My point is, I think the other post was right. You might have some subconscious “need” to unload some things on your mind that you might regret later. If I were you, I would just keep it the standard short and sweet “it’s time for me to move on” sort of thing. Anything more and you might regret it.

 

[Al T.]

Do the 3 B's - Be brief, be tactful, and be gone. It saves a lot of grief in the aftertime.

 

[bearhart74]

"Thanks for the ride. My stop is here. C ya."

And most important if they start to ask for why details refrain.

 

[dalkowski]

This is part of what I do for a living (such as it is). I'll co-sign on those who advise a phone call or face-to-face. Kudos to you for wanting to remain gracious -- that's big dividends in the ol' karma bank.

With that in mind, make it about you, not them (even if it really is about them). It's frankly enough to say what you said at the start - you feel the need for something diiferent, hard to leave but you gotta follow your heart, love you guys, always will, but I need to move on, best of luck.

Also as has been said, you're under ZERO obligation to give details of your "why." Let them ponder that, especially when your replacement quits after a month.

 

[kmon]

If you want to do anything beyond the polite message, do it face to face. An email is a terrible medium for heavy communication.

 

[gln1955]

"I want to spend more time with my family"

 

[Jason Hollar]

I typically try to avoid conflict in my business and artistic endeavors.

Since you have a 6 week break till the next event, had you considered NOT telling them until after your last two gigs? If they truly are awful people, your idea of ending on a high note could fall flat if they’re vindictive.

 

[Bass Viking]

More import, expect a phone call and/or text asking for clarification. You aren't getting out that easy. Decide now on how you will respond...

+1. Especially if the band didn’t see it coming. Saying “You don’t need to give a reason” sounds nice in theory but the reality is often far different.

 

[bassicmike]

Are you jumping straight to another band?

If not, “I just don’t have it in me to play in a gigging band anymore” always works.

 

[john_g]

I dont agree that it HAS to be in person, especially if you live pretty far away. They only hear the message and if they are going to be sour about it, it will happen no matter what. Sounds like they know another bass player too, so you dont have to provide a replacement either. I would keep it simple, not mention anything bad and thank them. Its never that easy, even when you are not having fun but unless you are making a living with this band you need to consider yourself.

 

[badinage]

I disagree with the people that get really bogged down in email vs text vs face to face because of "feelings". You're not dis-owning your children.

As a matter of fact, when comes to ANYTHING remotely resembling BUSINESS, it NEEDS to be IN WRITING AND ARCHIVED so no one can misconstrue stuff later. Lawyers are really really expensive especially when you're paying for them out of your own pocket. Things need to be crystal clear.

I suggest:

"Please don't read into this any ill-feelings. For my own peace of mind, it's just time for me to move on."

 

[Bass Viking]

Are you jumping straight to another band?

If not, “I just don’t have it in me to play in a gigging band anymore” always works.

That was my thought too. He could also say he wants to woodshed, focus on a different instrument, do some composing, etc.

 

[lbbc]

Be professional and leave in a positive manner. I have been in bands with people who were "intolerable" only to perform with them years later...and everything was fine.

On another note...not all husband/wife bands are bad. My wife (lead singer) and me (bassist and BL) have been playing with the same members for over 20 years). Everyone has a say regarding gigs, music and direction of the band. Being a band of 4 means there's no "us against them" . Also, being in our 60's means we've seen it all and have no time for BS...we just want to perform to the best of our ability, have great shows, make decent money and enjoy the camaraderie with our band mates!

 

[Goatrope]

This is part of what I do for a living (such as it is). I'll co-sign on those who advise a phone call or face-to-face. Kudos to you for wanting to remain gracious -- that's big dividends in the ol' karma bank.

With that in mind, make it about you, not them (even if it really is about them). It's frankly enough to say what you said at the start - you feel the need for something diiferent, hard to leave but you gotta follow your heart, love you guys, always will, but I need to move on, best of luck.

Also as has been said, you're under ZERO obligation to give details of your "why." Let them ponder that, especially when your replacement quits after a month.

This.

You may want to suggest a replacement.

Some folks assume you’ll be covering any existing gig commitments, so when that’s not the case, be clear.

If you get specific questions, short answers only, no long explanations.

 

[KevInDaBassment]

...when comes to ANYTHING remotely resembling BUSINESS, it NEEDS to be IN WRITING AND ARCHIVED so no one can misconstrue stuff later. Lawyers are really really expensive especially when you're paying for them out of your own pocket. Things need to be crystal clear.

OP, even if it's via text message you need something in writing just as this says. If it's just a call, you could get caught in the "He said, she said" game, which it sounds like they're well-versed in.

Keep it simple and professional. No need to drag the "I feel...", "You did...", and "I'm tired of..." statements into it. While it may sound cathartic at first, you're not going to get the payoff you're looking for by letting loose. For people like them, taking the high road (and giving them nothing to feed off of) is the hardest punch you can land.

YMMV, but I'd also echo the advice of having your story straight in case they call. Don't fall for it and get into the weeds, just have something basic and inarguable like "Want to spend more time with my family", "Need to focus more on my dayjob", or "Taking a break and focusing on other things". I'd say it's no different than quitting a job, as the information and details are none of their business....all they need to know is you're moving on and the decision is final.

 

[tb-player]

I’d tell them after the gig next weekend. Ask them if they’d like you to play the gig the following weekend. If they say yes, hopefully they’ll appreciate you for that one gig… lol. If not, no worries. If they blow up, that door is closed. Either way, let them know you’ll follow it up in an email, just so they have it in writing. After 5+ years of playing together, that feels most natural.

 

[dbsfgyd1]

5.5 years with this band. Mostly good. Some really large venues. But I'm tired of the BS. My tolerance level is low for the nonsense eminating from the husband and wife who run the band. I have some inner anger and I won't go into the details. I simply want to finish the two large gigs that are in the next two weekends and to leave on a high note and with grace. I want something more than the typical "it's time for me to move on and I wish you the best of luck" message. Anyone want to assist me?

A simple “My life has changed to the point I can no longer commit to this project. My last day/gig will be (pick a date).”

It’s short, clean, true, not personal, and no room for rebuttal other than the amount of time you are willing to help.

As for finishing out with these two “Big Gigs”, if you are traumatized by the personalities of the group to quit, it’s not worth the money to stick around. Do yourself a favor, move on now.

 

[Pdaddy1978]

" I'd like to get together to introduce you all to a great opportunity with the Amway corporation!"

 

[Bruiser Stone]

I disagree with the people that get really bogged down in email vs text vs face to face because of "feelings". You're not dis-owning your children.

As a matter of fact, when comes to ANYTHING remotely resembling BUSINESS, it NEEDS to be IN WRITING AND ARCHIVED so no one can misconstrue stuff later. Lawyers are really really expensive especially when you're paying for them out of your own pocket. Things need to be crystal clear.

I suggest:

"Please don't read into this any ill-feelings. For my own peace of mind, it's just time for me to move on."

Email has facilitated for us a spectacular medium for doing just this. A brief additional phone call for the sake of diplomacy is gravy.

 

[garp]

I agree with @tb-player. Tell them in person after the next gig, then ask them if they want you to play the gig prior to the 6-week hiatus. I see no need to follow up via e-mail unless there's some sort of financial implication involved (e.g. you own one-fifth of the PA system and are expecting reimbursement upon your disassociation from the group).

Many years ago, I used precisely this technique to depart. My speech was short and sweet: "It's time for me to move on, but thanks for the great memories." The subsequent last gig became somewhat celebratory.