Help me craft my exit email

[smogg]

"Hi guys.
Just wanted to confirm that I'll be leaving the band after the next two dates booked.
It's been mostly fun and a pleasure working with you, despite our differences.
I wish you all the best in the future."

Or...

"Guys, I've had enough of the constant bickering, idiotic decisions and sheer lack of professionalism.
I was warned about joining a husband/wife band, and I see now I should've listened.
All I can say is it's a good thing you two married each other, saving two other people out there from living with your BS.
I pity the poor misguided fool who'll have to replace me...and the others after that, as I seriously doubt anyone will put up with your childish nonsense for long.
Don't ever contact me again."



Hope you have better luck in your next project.

I really like response #2. It's honest and succinct. Frakk the bridge.

 

[QORC]

I typically try to avoid conflict in my business and artistic endeavors.

Since you have a 6 week break till the next event, had you considered NOT telling them until after your last two gigs? If they truly are awful people, your idea of ending on a high note could fall flat if they’re vindictive.

Yes that is the plan. I'm telling them the week after the 8/16 show. I don't want weirdness at the last 2 gigs

 

[Gravedigger Dav]

Husband/Wife Team leading a band =

It happens all the time.
If it has gone beyond what you can tolerate, then nothing you can say or do will have any impact on them. They will just label you as a malcontent that abandoned them.
It is best to just tell them it's been a good ride, but it isn't what you want to do anymore.

On the other hand,

A good rage quit at the last gig would be fun.

 

[QORC]

A simple “My life has changed to the point I can no longer commit to this project. My last day/gig will be (pick a date).”

I can't. They be screwed. They have nobody who could just step in this weekend and the next. I will do the shows and do them well. I will let them know probably that Sunday or Monday. Gives them 6 weeks to break the new guy in who clearly has been identified. He will do fine but he's has a bunch to learn

It’s short, clean, true, not personal, and no room for rebuttal other than the amount of time you are willing to help.

As for finishing out with these two “Big Gigs”, if you are traumatized by the personalities of the group to quit, it’s not worth the money to stick around. Do yourself a favor, move on now.

 

[akukulich]

My suggestion is that you avoid explaining the reasons for your decision. The fact that you're doing this by email indicates a certain distance between you and the BL. If that's the case, I don't see that you owe them any explanation. Let them know you're leaving. Let them know when your last date will be. Suggest your replacement. Offer to help the replacement learn the set if that's something you want to do. Offer to sub if ever needed if that's something you want to do. Stick to the facts and avoid the emotion.

 

[QORC]

Yes there is not a warm, fuzzy with the BL. And I live too far away to make a trip just to do it in person. Im 1.5 hours away from them . No rehearsals are scheduled for several weeks after the 8/16 show. So I can't wait til then as it wouldn't be fair. Frankly almost all band contact is by text or Messenger. While I said email, I meant probably by text.

 

[dbsfgyd1]

‘I understand, just pointing out you control your future with this band. If you want to help them out that’s great. You always want to leave on good terms as you may be in a situation down the road where you may be working with some of the other players.

 

[Knavery]

I would think email is OK. It's not a significant other you're breaking up with, so I don't see an issue with it. Just be professional about it. Just say you're in a different head space and and looking for different things, etc. Wish them the best of luck and there ya go. No bridges burned, and you've taken the high road.

 

[bherman]

Lots of good advice here. Whenever I'm facing a situation like this, I always remember the (purported) words of Mark Twain - "Never wrestle with a pig. The pig loves it, and you get covered in s**t". My point - always take the high road.

 

[two fingers]

Man.... a chance to walk away without having to negotiate final gigs AND you already have a replacement in the wings? I’d take the opportunity to keep it microscopically brief and avoid drama.

Yes. The challenge is to see how few syllables you can use to get the point across.

"Thank you for 5 1/2 years of music and friendship. I will be moving on as of (enter date here). Best of luck moving forward."

 

[mrjim123]

Beyond ""it's time for me to move on and I wish you the best of luck", there's not much else that needs to be said, unless you want to get into the negatives, and then you might as well be totally open and honest, in a respectful way, of course.

 

[Fynn]

5.5 years with this band. Mostly good. Some really large venues. But I'm tired of the BS. My tolerance level is low for the nonsense eminating from the husband and wife who run the band. I have some inner anger and I won't go into the details. I simply want to finish the two large gigs that are in the next two weekends and to leave on a high note and with grace. I want something more than the typical "it's time for me to move on and I wish you the best of luck" message. Anyone want to assist me?

Just tell them how you feel. Don't be too insulting, but simply explain to them why you felt that way. Humans can only grow from criticism and if you leave with actual constructive criticism and you've been nice to be around, then they might just take what you have to say to heart. Just don't lie. And if you really can't take it, tell them you won't be playing for them anymore and block them...

 

[mrperkolator]

@QORC I quit a band by stating "I need to step back for reasons that are my own." When pressed, I reaffirmed my commitment to keeping my reasons private. I'm on good terms with them now. you can sandwich that statement with "it's been fun" statements to soften the message. Here's a template:

It's been fun. (positive statement)
I need to focus on some other things. (quit statement)
Playing with yall has been quite an experience. (positive statement)

when questioned, advocate for keeping reasons private. (hold position)

done.

Just like a job, you do not need to tell them why. Some people feel they have to explain themselves, but you really do not have to. Explanations are demanded by people in power. If you quit, then you have no obligations to them, thus no explanation needed. As others have mentioned, it is unlikely that burning bridges is the right course of action.

 

[JRA]

Anyone want to assist me?

"it's time for me to move on and I wish you the best of luck"

 

[Bass Viking]

@QORC I quit a band by stating "I need to step back for reasons that are my own."

Man, that sounds suspicious as hell! That’s practically asking for the third degree.

But seriously, it all depends on who you’re dealing with. Unfortunately it sounds like the OP’s band leader isn’t the most reasonable.

 

[Pings Bass]

Short, professional, and to the point. Emphasis on what ("I'm leaving") and when. Politely finesse the why, or just omit it. If they genuinely want to know why, they can ask. And you can decide at that time how candid you want to be.

Seriously though, I'm waiting for the husband-wife band story that isn't a nightmare. Is this the all-time biggest red flag?

 

[Thumpin6string]

If you can't do it in person, there is a thing called a phone where you can talk to a person who is somewhere else. Emails or texts don't cut it IMHO.

 

[Zak TMD]

5.5 years with this band. Mostly good. Some really large venues. But I'm tired of the BS. My tolerance level is low for the nonsense eminating from the husband and wife who run the band. I have some inner anger and I won't go into the details. I simply want to finish the two large gigs that are in the next two weekends and to leave on a high note and with grace. I want something more than the typical "it's time for me to move on and I wish you the best of luck" message. Anyone want to assist me?

Huh... if it were me, I'd just say I'm moving on and not go into detail. I know you'd like to point out all their BS, heck maybe even try to use it as a learning moment, but all that's going to do really is make them think you are an ahole, especially if they are completely self interested like it sounds. Heck I might even go more simple: "Thanks for the memories, I'm out."

I can only speak for myself, but when things are no longer good in any type of relationship (dating, marriage, work, band, friends, etc.), I don't believe going into detail about why really has any kind of positive outcome, except maybe momentary smug joy. That's just my take tho. Lot's of people love to see the world burn.

 

[202dy]

Face to face.

You do not owe anyone an explanation. Even if they are long time friends.

I've been running businesses my entire life. When I fire someone I do it face to face. That is because I respect them. They had a job to do. They didn't do it up to standards. That may or may not be their fault. Ultimately it is my fault. I hired the wrong guy. Their (my) failure is bad for the organization and it has to be done. If I don't, it will affect everyone else who is counting on their jobs to feed their families and pay their bills.

I've been fired twice. The first time, back in the seventies, the band "broke up" and reformed two weeks later. We remained friends. But we never played together as a group or as individuals.

The second time, ten years ago, I was fired by text message. Shouldn't have taken the job. Was going to quit after the next gig. The bandleader beat me to it. And he gave my bookings to the new guy.

I considered them both to be cowards.

An hour and a half drive isn't too much to pay for five and half years of employment. Even if they are colossal idiots.

Confirm afterwards by email. Get a receipt.

 

[alex1fly]

There's a middle ground between rage quitting and simply saying "thanks, bye" to a group you've been with for years. Granted I've never exited a band super gracefully, but now having been out of bands for a couple of years I can see things a little more clearly. If you can get out of your head and all the emotions you're feeling, I bet you can find a way to do it.

"Hey everyone, I've been thinking about it and I've decided I'm not a good fit for this band anymore. It's been a good run but I'm ready for something different so after these next couple of gigs I'm going to go my own way. Wish everyone the best of luck and let's crush these upcoming shows!" Then just own the uncomfortableness for next two shows and be done with it. To me that's way better than being shady and secretive about it. If they start begging you or whatever you can say "I'll think about it but no promises" and if they start asking what you'd need to stay, ask them to come up with a list of things they'd change (rather than you coming up with the list) - this way it's on not on you to do the thought exercise.