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Help me craft my exit email

#61
Some exceptionally generous and professional suggestions in this thread! In my experience a quitting scenario has rarely been this well measured and reasonable! The spectrum typically ranges from “rage quit with threats of physical harm and drum sets being knocked over on the way out” to the opposite extreme of “straight up ghosting”, where a person never says they quit, but rather disappears off the face of the planet and you’re left with nothing but a vague, ambiguous memory, a spector, and you question whether the person ever actually existed at all, or was just a figment if your imagination? Where they actually real? Are you real? Is any of this real?!

Anyways OP it sounds like you’ve got it figured out.. good luck!
 
#62
Done this a ton of times.
Call the BL right now, today, before these two "big" shows and let him have it, but, that your gonna honour the last two shows...its simple. Be brave, and dont pussy foot around, it's the only way.
 
#63
Esteban Garcia said:
Short, professional, and to the point. Emphasis on what ("I'm leaving") and when. Politely finesse the why, or just omit it. If they genuinely want to know why, they can ask. And you can decide at that time how candid you want to be.

Seriously though, I'm waiting for the husband-wife band story that isn't a nightmare. Is this the all-time biggest red flag?
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Not a nightmare but certainly not ideal . Its "their band" and they're made sure we all know it. The husband frankly is totally whipped. Clearly she gets her own way on everything. But yeah this is the third time I've been in this situation and none of them were good. But I did hang in there for 5.5 years..

She is a great singer and front person. But very poor as BL and business person. Far too emotional and childish.

But we had good times and good shows too. I played my part well. Im satisfied even if I'm disappointed in her and sorry I have to go like this
 
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#65
I'd tell them in person, then follow up with written confirmation. Same way I would quit a job. That way you can let your real feelings be known verbally then have the written record be short and sweet, i.e. "This email is to confirm that I will be leaving Band X effective [date]. Best of luck."
 
#66
If there's anything you'll miss about them, you might consider adding that briefly to the email to not burn bridges.

But don't ask in the email if they want you to do the next gig -- I did that with the only band I ever quit under similar circumstances, and I received no reply. Ask that in person.
 
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#68
alex1fly said:
and if they start asking what you'd need to stay, ask them to come up with a list of things they'd change (rather than you coming up with the list) - this way it's on not on you to do the thought exercise.
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If the band leader thinks everything is just hunky dory this approach likely won’t work. It also sounds like there’s another bassist waiting in the wings.
 
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#70
I would be honest about why you're leaving.

"While I've enjoyed the music, I haven't enjoyed the dynamic that X and Y have created as the leaders of the band. I feel as though my opinions were constantly invalidated by the duo (or whatever your major issue with them is), and am no longer able to enjoy playing with you all. I wish you all the best of luck."

I'd feel pretty bad if I left a toxic situation without calling out the bad behavior and knew who my replacement was. I'd reach out to the replacement and just give them a heads-up about the husband/wife dynamic and what to expect, too.

Nobody learns to counter their bad behavior if they don't get called out on it.
 
#71
My favorite exit line which I would use should the occasion rise is "Going in another direction." I've been in bands that used that to get rid of members and have heard others here and elsewhere use that same expression. Its a fork in the road and an honest description for any reason. Good luck!
 
#72
alex1fly said:
There's a middle ground between rage quitting and simply saying "thanks, bye" to a group you've been with for years. Granted I've never exited a band super gracefully, but now having been out of bands for a couple of years I can see things a little more clearly. If you can get out of your head and all the emotions you're feeling, I bet you can find a way to do it.

"Hey everyone, I've been thinking about it and I've decided I'm not a good fit for this band anymore. It's been a good run but I'm ready for something different so after these next couple of gigs I'm going to go my own way. Wish everyone the best of luck and let's crush these upcoming shows!" Then just own the uncomfortableness for next two shows and be done with it. To me that's way better than being shady and secretive about it. If they start begging you or whatever you can say "I'll think about it but no promises" and if they start asking what you'd need to stay, ask them to come up with a list of things they'd change (rather than you coming up with the list) - this way it's on not on you to do the thought exercise.
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Cool, but I'd rather say " The band is no longer a good fit for me." More honest and less ambiguous.
 
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#74
"Thanks for giving me the opportunity to play music with you for the past <however long>. I appreciate the time we spent with this, but I feel as though it's in my best interest to move on. Wishing you all the best of luck with the band as you move forward."

Something like that. It's nobody's business why you feel it's in your best interest to leave.
 
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#75
Wouldn't get bogged down in the mode of doing it via text/phone/face-to-face stuff. This is really generational stuff in that older generations tend to think calling is more polite than text and younger generations tend to think the act of calling someone for anything other than an emergency is very rude.

Whether face to face is a good idea or not I leave to your expertise as you know them.

As to how to quit, the fact you have "anger" raises my danger sense. We are at risk of doing things we regret when angry. It's probably a good idea to keep it short, simple and pre-prepared. There is little chance you will regret a polite/short quitting message. There is a higher chance you will regret saying something out of anger.
 
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#77
Shalto said:
Wouldn't get bogged down in the mode of doing it via text/phone/face-to-face stuff. This is really generational stuff in that older generations tend to think calling is more polite than text and younger generations tend to think the act of calling someone for anything other than an emergency is very rude.
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Jeez really? No wonder societies are hating on each other...To scared to face up and talk to another human being. Try it its nice.
 
#79
LBS-bass said:
It's nobody's business why you feel it's in your best interest to leave.
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Yes, this. IMO it's utterly pointless to get into the why. To get into all the stuff you [generic you] thought was messed up just comes off as wanting to get your digs in as you go out the door. It's extremely unlikely to fix the situation you're leaving, and it's not your job to try to fix it anyway, since you're not going to be involved in it anymore.
 
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#80
So Anyway, make sure you give them a specific date in your email... and that you won't be available after that.
And then thank them for the work they've provided you. If you get a call, just deflect and repeat that you're not available. You don't need to provide a reason.

When I left one band the BL kept pressing me on why I was leaving. I didn't give details on his band management or other things I didn't like. He hired me to play the bass and I doubt if he really would have listened to any advice that I offered.

Good Luck to you.
 

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